Wax HNT

The candles have been burning. A single flame on each, warming and melting wax destined for my skin.



Drip, drip it heats my skin, a strong sting before the wax begins to cool. It rolls down my breasts in little rivulets, dripping down onto my thighs.



The delicious drops cover my skin, a thin coat of wax trapping the heat against my now pink and tender skin.

Oh, I love wax play.

Trusting to Dance

Trust is a delicate dance. As the tempo is set in and bodies entwine, sprialling and swooping across the floor, the danger of someone missing a beat or catching the wrong hand grows.

As relationships develop, as more time is spent together and feelings develop, our innermost selves being shared when normally shielded, the chance to misstep and become hurt rises.

I've taken the tumble to broken trust several times. So does everyone in a lifetime of relationships, be they romantic, familial or friendly. I almost always trust too much too quickly and get burned. But most times I recognise my fault in the breaking of trust and persevere with the person or people, for at least one other chance. Because I know trusting so fast has its pitfalls and they lay within me.

What on earth am I rambling on about?

Amabile and Piacere have been a constant support in my life over the past few months. Early on, my own faults led to some ... interesting times. While I'm ok with what happened, at least now, the initial trust remains harder to build back up. Slowly, each and every time I see them, I want to give more of myself. They have certainly given a lot to me, sharing things that clearly aren't for many ears and inviting me into their home time and again.

Yet I am so fearful. Simply where my life is at the moment leads me to be over cautious. There is no reason for me to fear these two though; their family has accepted me and opened to me. (Hell, even the 16 year  old son was impressed by my computer geeky abilities this weekend...lol)

All I need to do is ask. Ask for what? I have a few specifics in my mind but generally, I'm not sure.

I want to pick back up and continue the dance with Amabile and Piacere. I just have to figure out how.

Sunset HNT

It was the cooling hour, just when the rounded
Red sun sinks down behind the azure hill,
Which then seems as if the whole earth is bounded,
Circling all nature, hush'd, and dim, and still,
With the far mountain-crescent half surrounded
On one side, and the deep sea calm and chill
Upon the other, and the rosy sky
With one star sparkling through it like an eye.
~Lord Byron

Many thanks to Dee for taking pictures for me.

Home Grown

I usually listen to the radio on the way to and from work. (Blame it on losing my iPod cable.) When I hear a song I like, I normally take note of the title and musician, as it displays on my cell phone. Yesterday I heard "Bury Me" by Nathan King on ZM.

I'll be damned if I can find it anywhere on the net. Not even lyrics. The only place I've found it is on his webpage (which obviously won't give me a video, mp3, etc) and in the backpages of ZM's "now playing" list, telling me to buy it on iTunes. Apparently the song is really recent, as in last month.

This is the only trouble with home grown music I've found. (I love that phrase. "Home Grown" It sums up New Zealand perfectly in my eyes.) I just want to share an awesome song I love and can't find it anywhere. Same thing happened to me last year with "My Delirium" by LadyHawke when it came out.

But it always is a pleasant surprise to find out the awesome song I heard is by a NZ artist. I just have to wait to share the tunes.

Hot Water and Honey

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride, hence my disappearance. Moving on short notice, emotional upheavals, coping with various and ranged issues. Life, basically.

One topic that comes back to my mind over and over again the past month or so is being single.

Some people I know are so okay with being single that I envy them. It's a place they are comfortable and are willing to wait for something that's right. I can't seem to find that comfortable place.

Right now it's a consistent empty feeling, like something is terribly missing. I see friends, families, couples, partners all loving one another and enjoying being together. And I ache inside. I ache for that feeling of closeness, of intimacy.

Humans are not meant to be solitary creatures. I am not meant to be one. While I can be relatively happy (and have been) without a partner life isn't quite right without one (or two, or three...). But that is no reason to rush into a relationship with just anyone. It's simply so hard falling asleep every night by myself. I miss having someone to go to when I'm down, someone to share everything with when I'm bouncy and babbling.

Yet I know I'm not in a place to be meeting new people in the hopes of having a relationship. I don't even know how to do that. Never really have done it before. And add into that my specific interests, it becomes even harder to find someone. I'm not entirely certain if I want a 24/7 D/s relationship anymore, but it's certainly something I want to explore. I also know that bdsm is something I do not want to live without. I'll not even pretend to know if I need it; I simply know it is something that I want consistently in my life. Does NZ have what I'm looking for at all? I honestly don't know and it makes me wonder about where my life is leading.

"But what about Tanto?" I know some people are thinking. He is and always will be, complicated. We rarely see each other now, living on opposite sides of Auckland. We stay in touch most days but I have lost something for him. I've accepted that his life does not openly include me, and cannot unless he leaves his wife. Which, I have also accepted, will not happen soon if it happens at all. Some days I miss him with a fervor that makes my heart feel raw. Other days it settles to a dull ache. And others still there is nothing left but fondness for what we have shared and a hope I can find it again. If only those days numbered higher.

While I ponder and pine, I sound like some sultry phone sex worker as I regain my voice. Somehow managed to lose it completely by Sunday morning but am now croaking my way through work. Time for more hot water and honey...

Playing Dress Up HNT

I love playing dress up. Every chance I get I'll have fun and play with my looks for the day. It's even more fun when friends are about the same size as you, and you get to swap clothes! (Thanks to Oonai for fun dress ups!)




I am really looking forward to Auckland's Fetish Ball in November. It'll be time for a major dress up then! I've been planning for a while now, and I hope I'll pull off an awesome outfit.

NOT Impressed!

I have profiles up on some dating sites. Sometimes I make a really good friend through them. (Hi Eilen! *waves*) Rarely do I end up playing with someone from the dating sites. But still, I attempt to be friendly and approachable and keep an open mind.

Lately I've been getting quite a bit more mail than usual. Maybe spring is making people more horny? Send some my way then Mother Nature! Heh.

But the amount of asshats sending me email seems to have risen drastically as well. I'm used to most of it, but one idea has been quite prevalent that really, really irks me.


"So, just how sub are you?"


ARGH!

I have received so many of these or similar, one unsuspecting guy got a mouthful from me. He asked me if I was really a sub or just like to play dirty, and why should he bother to take the time to talk to me.

This is a form of control. It is manipulation and not subtle either. By saying these things, you are putting the person you are speaking to on a lower level then you. They are not good enough for you unless they can prove it. Which is the worst way to start off a mutually fulfilling relationship, even if it is only for play.

Now, if my profile said something to the effect that I wanted to be treated like dirt, sure. But on most of my profiles it simply says I'm a submissive looking for people with a dominant personality who have experience with BDSM. So such messages are not called for.

My reply:

"More like it's you who has to prove to me that you're worth it. I get a dozen emails a day. And I don't appreciate men who think they can control me before they even know me."

That was only last night, so I don't know if he's replied back or not.

Anyway. Here are some dating site tips for BDSMers from me:

• No one liners! Engaging the person's intellectual side can go a long way in trying to get them to actually, you know, reply!
• Have a decent profile up. If your profile says nothing about BDSM and you haven't mentioned it in your message? I, for one, won't even bother.
• Don't immediately try to take your 'role' in the message. This is for both sides. Showing your dominance or submission to someone on a first message will generally get you nowhere, unless the person you are messaging is a wanker.
• Don't call names. Messaging a cute sub? Don't call her or him slut, worm, girl, boy, etc. And don't refer to yourself as Sir, Master, Mistress, or any form thereof. This refers back to the previous point. You are immediately trying to assume a dominant posture by belittling them in some way. Those names may very well be cherished pet names in a relationship, but on first contact it's simply asshole territory. And don't call someone Master or Mistress at first either! Many people have heavy connotations associated with those words and using it like it's common usage? Not very impressive.
  
• Be specific about what kinks you like. I've recently been speaking with someone who cannot give me any idea what he wants to do. "What activities do you think you like?" And all the response I get is, "I'm not sure. Just wanna see what I'm capable of I suppose." If you can't show that you might have some compatible interests, it will very likely get nowhere fast.
• Don't list your accomplishments/experience. This is exactly the opposite of the previous. Showing off all the experience you have is not very flattering. Keep your history simple unless you get asked specific questions. A shopping list of people you've played with, clubs you've played at, organisations you belong to, etc etc don't say anything about who YOU are, except that you have your head firmly lodged up your own ass.
• DNT BE A LSR AND TLK LKE THS. So. Totally. Ignoring. You.

Have I missed something you think should be there? Comment!



(I will attempt to put up an HNT tonight when I get home from work. Forgot to pick a picture last night.)