Only just now have I realised that my last post, The Secret HNT, was my one hundredth post.
Alas, no celebration from me. I actually came onto my blog tonight to rant about the stress in my life and how it's affecting me. But then I noticed the post count and thought I would at least acknowledge it.
So...Happy 100 Posts to me!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Thursday, July 2, 2009
The Secret
Surrounded.
By darkness.
By walls, closing in.
By a thicket, thorns menacingly sharp.
By bars, a cage that is not welcome.
Reaching out.
Blindly feeling.
Stopped short.
Pricked and bleeding.
Achingly close to the key.
Is there no escape?
No relief?
To the suffocating.
To the bindings.
To the wearing away of one's soul.
A door.
A clearing.
A key.
It's all I need to find
to make my path to freedom.
But only to be able to find it,
to lay my hands on the secret.
For now,
I must endure the solitude
the darkness
the fear
Until that secret may be found.
The secret that will set me free.
By darkness.
By walls, closing in.
By a thicket, thorns menacingly sharp.
By bars, a cage that is not welcome.
Reaching out.
Blindly feeling.
Stopped short.
Pricked and bleeding.
Achingly close to the key.
Is there no escape?
No relief?
To the suffocating.
To the bindings.
To the wearing away of one's soul.
A door.
A clearing.
A key.
It's all I need to find
to make my path to freedom.
But only to be able to find it,
to lay my hands on the secret.
For now,
I must endure the solitude
the darkness
the fear
Until that secret may be found.
The secret that will set me free.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
The Little One
Through the years I have known people interested in the Daddy / little girl dynamic and have watched friends discover this part to themselves. (Strangely, I do not think I know a single Mommy or boy.) I didn't think I would ever understand it.
Verva and I had a chat some time ago, touching on it. And I realised that there is a part of me who would fall into this role incredibly easily.
I'm sure it wouldn't surprise many of my friends. After all, I have a penchant for all things Disney (my brother works in Disneyworld people, surprise surirpse), am obsessed with fairies, and I need security and stability in order to feel ok with the world. Throw one monkey wrench in the works, change one aspect of my life without my control or conscious decision and I immediately feel threatened and like the sky is going to fall.
There are times when I simply want someone to hold me. Someone to pet my head, stroke my hair and simply be with me. In those moments, the arms around me make the world seem ok. The problems aren't quite so bad, nothing is insurmountable and I'm safe. Safe from the demons, safe from problems, safe from the world.
Is that what it feels like to be a little girl? Maybe someday I'll find out.
Verva and I had a chat some time ago, touching on it. And I realised that there is a part of me who would fall into this role incredibly easily.
I'm sure it wouldn't surprise many of my friends. After all, I have a penchant for all things Disney (my brother works in Disneyworld people, surprise surirpse), am obsessed with fairies, and I need security and stability in order to feel ok with the world. Throw one monkey wrench in the works, change one aspect of my life without my control or conscious decision and I immediately feel threatened and like the sky is going to fall.
There are times when I simply want someone to hold me. Someone to pet my head, stroke my hair and simply be with me. In those moments, the arms around me make the world seem ok. The problems aren't quite so bad, nothing is insurmountable and I'm safe. Safe from the demons, safe from problems, safe from the world.
Is that what it feels like to be a little girl? Maybe someday I'll find out.
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Yay for Weekends!
Just a few highlights from my weekend, before I start anew with another week:
I wish for more time...more time to be with the people I love. There are so many of them and simply not enough time to be with them all.
- I love the smile one shares with someone when they've played. Even if no sexual contact has been made, sharing the intimacy of play with someone, new or familiar, is always fun.
- Lots of friends, snuggles and laughs along with sharing of kinkiness. (even if that movie was truly dreadful, Kapelle :-P)
- Lots of time with Tanto. I've been silent about him lately, mostly because there's far too much I am not willing to share with the world. But I appreciate all the time and love he gives me.
- Yoga!! It's been so long since I went to a yoga class and really want to fit it into my budget to do regularly.
- Finding a pill container that sets my week up for me - I have far too many pills to take every morning now to do it without preparation lol
I wish for more time...more time to be with the people I love. There are so many of them and simply not enough time to be with them all.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Just Get Lost!
Well, I don't really have words today. So...just perve at the picture, k? There's enough cleavage to get lost for a least a few minutes...
HHNT!
(This week's pic is brought to you by Dee, when we were all getting ready for the February Fetish night.)
(This week's pic is brought to you by Dee, when we were all getting ready for the February Fetish night.)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
More on The Dinner
Back to Amabile and Piacere's formal dinner.
Overall - those of us who were playing the slave role did really well. Eilen and I fell right into the hospitality aspect of it, serving the food and such. She's hosted lots of parties but I've never done it before. She told me a few days later that I did a superb job in that aspect since I'd never hosted before :)
It was really quite an experience. I knew exactly what was expected of me for the most part and I had a focus. Because of that I was able to really take it on and do reasonably well. Once a course was out, set out the plates for the next and begin plating. Start cleaning up as we go. Watching for when it was an appropriate time to take away plates. (Selfishly, I made sure I was the one to serve both Piacere and Amabile at the beginning of each course.)
Several times the places had to be changed due to people not being able to come, or others deciding to come at the last moment. Since I had arranged all the table settings and placed people to their seats, there was a serious challenge to changing things around. But it worked out really well in the end.
I spoke directly to Dominants several times though, and never quite remembered to always speak in the third person. And it was very difficult to stand in the background while conversation was happening and not contribute. That seemed a bit odd as normally I'm quite timid about speaking up in large groups. Maybe it was simply the fact that I couldn't speak up was what made me want to...lol.
There was one interaction that stands out for me from that night. I was waiting downstairs at the front door for some late comers while everyone was still socialising and having pre-dinner drinks upstairs, and it was being considered to start dinner before the late folks showed up. Piacere came down to check on me and give me an update. I was standing in the relaxed, open position he had told us to use with my hands at the small of my back, palms facing out and open. (It really does leave one feeling slightly vulnerable.) There was a little bit of conversation, then something about the guest seating came up regarding one of the people running late.
"This slave would go and fix the place setting but she needs to stay at the door to greet the folks who haven't shown up yet," was what I said, or something near to it. And he replied, "Yes, she does," in a tone of voice that was at once caring and intimate yet authoritative and firm.
I'm not sure what it was that caused that particular interaction to have such an impact on me. Successfully speaking in the third person to someone who's introduced me to things I've wondered about for a while? Him speaking directly to me using the third person? The quiet, removed atmosphere where it took place? It must be a combination of things. But it made me feel so humble, quiet, reserved. Yet at the same time, when he went back up the stairs I smiled to myself. Feeling a sense of pride and value and a different kind of belonging that I hadn't experienced before. It simply felt good.
I think I need to be doing some more research about the Leather world.
Overall - those of us who were playing the slave role did really well. Eilen and I fell right into the hospitality aspect of it, serving the food and such. She's hosted lots of parties but I've never done it before. She told me a few days later that I did a superb job in that aspect since I'd never hosted before :)
It was really quite an experience. I knew exactly what was expected of me for the most part and I had a focus. Because of that I was able to really take it on and do reasonably well. Once a course was out, set out the plates for the next and begin plating. Start cleaning up as we go. Watching for when it was an appropriate time to take away plates. (Selfishly, I made sure I was the one to serve both Piacere and Amabile at the beginning of each course.)
Several times the places had to be changed due to people not being able to come, or others deciding to come at the last moment. Since I had arranged all the table settings and placed people to their seats, there was a serious challenge to changing things around. But it worked out really well in the end.
I spoke directly to Dominants several times though, and never quite remembered to always speak in the third person. And it was very difficult to stand in the background while conversation was happening and not contribute. That seemed a bit odd as normally I'm quite timid about speaking up in large groups. Maybe it was simply the fact that I couldn't speak up was what made me want to...lol.
There was one interaction that stands out for me from that night. I was waiting downstairs at the front door for some late comers while everyone was still socialising and having pre-dinner drinks upstairs, and it was being considered to start dinner before the late folks showed up. Piacere came down to check on me and give me an update. I was standing in the relaxed, open position he had told us to use with my hands at the small of my back, palms facing out and open. (It really does leave one feeling slightly vulnerable.) There was a little bit of conversation, then something about the guest seating came up regarding one of the people running late.
"This slave would go and fix the place setting but she needs to stay at the door to greet the folks who haven't shown up yet," was what I said, or something near to it. And he replied, "Yes, she does," in a tone of voice that was at once caring and intimate yet authoritative and firm.
I'm not sure what it was that caused that particular interaction to have such an impact on me. Successfully speaking in the third person to someone who's introduced me to things I've wondered about for a while? Him speaking directly to me using the third person? The quiet, removed atmosphere where it took place? It must be a combination of things. But it made me feel so humble, quiet, reserved. Yet at the same time, when he went back up the stairs I smiled to myself. Feeling a sense of pride and value and a different kind of belonging that I hadn't experienced before. It simply felt good.
I think I need to be doing some more research about the Leather world.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
The Dreaded TMJ
Yup. I'll finally admit it. I have problems with my temporomandibular joint. Say that three times fast!
The right side of my jaw has 'popped' / 'cracked' since I was about twelve. It was just a weird thing my body did (and suitably freaked lots of people out..hehe) until recently. About six weeks ago I'd say, it actually became a problem. I couldn't open my mouth completely. There was pain if I tried to eat an apple without cutting it up. Damnit...
Off to the doctor I went (also for some other reasons) and she said it. TMJ. The dreaded three-letter-acronym for cock-suckers everywhere. *sighs*
I've found some exercises that seem to work pretty well. (Found here if you have the need to know.) I'm trying to do them on the bus everyday, so twice a day. I still can't open my mouth all the way with out putting pressure on the joint but there's less pain and stiffness and it is opening more than before. Of course, it would help if I could remember to take the stupid anti-inflammatories my doctor gave me! It also feels really strange to move/open my mouth with out all that clicking. I kinda miss it actually...lol
It's difficult not to play with my jaw to the point of pain too. I'm one of those people who will poke at a wound just to feel the owies. But pain for this is a bad thing and will only exasperate the problem more.
Good thing I don't really have any sexual partners at the moment! I'd miss not being able to perform oral :-(
The right side of my jaw has 'popped' / 'cracked' since I was about twelve. It was just a weird thing my body did (and suitably freaked lots of people out..hehe) until recently. About six weeks ago I'd say, it actually became a problem. I couldn't open my mouth completely. There was pain if I tried to eat an apple without cutting it up. Damnit...
Off to the doctor I went (also for some other reasons) and she said it. TMJ. The dreaded three-letter-acronym for cock-suckers everywhere. *sighs*
I've found some exercises that seem to work pretty well. (Found here if you have the need to know.) I'm trying to do them on the bus everyday, so twice a day. I still can't open my mouth all the way with out putting pressure on the joint but there's less pain and stiffness and it is opening more than before. Of course, it would help if I could remember to take the stupid anti-inflammatories my doctor gave me! It also feels really strange to move/open my mouth with out all that clicking. I kinda miss it actually...lol
It's difficult not to play with my jaw to the point of pain too. I'm one of those people who will poke at a wound just to feel the owies. But pain for this is a bad thing and will only exasperate the problem more.
Good thing I don't really have any sexual partners at the moment! I'd miss not being able to perform oral :-(
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