That Too Commonly Used 4 Letter Word...

Láska.
Meilė.
Upendo.
Dashuria.
Armastus.
Liefhebben.
Elska.
Liebe.

Amour.
Amore.
Amor.

We all probably recognise these last few, but all the above words translate roughly into the same complex concept we are all familiar with: Love.

What is love? Why do we love? How do we come to choose who we love, whether consciously or unconsciously? Why is love so complicated? Why do some of us love only one, yet others can love many?

The questions are endless and the answers just as confusing as love itself.

This weekend many, many people will be expressing their love for one another. Valentine's Day is a lover's holiday, commercial or no. Celebrate with all your heart, enjoy the time with those close to your heart, and don't forget that February 14th is not the only time you can do this. Love is present all year round. Just make Valentine's an extra special day of love.

I have no partner this Valentine's. I am not sad about this for there is still much love in my life. My friends and family, both here in NZ and overseas, remind me almost daily that there is no shortage of love.

But don't forget about one very special person this Valentines: yourself.

~~~~~

I will love myself just as much as I love others.

I will love myself as a whole, faults and all.

I will love myself body, mind and spirit, for without all of the parts I am not me.

I will love myself. Sweet, sassy, sexy me!

Kiana's Players

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players"

William Shakespeare
As you Like It:
Act II, Scene VII

We all have important people in our lives. The players on our own personal stage, the characters in our stories, the music makers of our song.

Here are a few of the people who contribute to my stage, my story, my song.


Amabile & Piacere:
A local couple who lie within the fringes of the local BDSM community. I met them in April 2009 at a local fetish night and they quickly allowed me into their life. They continue to be a source of support, love, happiness and security for me. And I simply hope that I am the same for them.

Dee:
I've known Dee since before she began sex blogging. I'm proud to say I was her introduction into the local BDSM scene. We've had our fair share of fun playtime together, but the best of friends is what our relationship has always been based on, and I count myself incredibly lucky to be part of her life.

Sereno:
Also known as Hylas on Dee's blog, an almost immediate friendship ensued between Sereno and I once I got "the tour" of his place. He is a rubber fetishist, along with a few other things, but a common love of rubber is what set us off to begin with. Since we met in late 2008, our friendship has grown and I appreciate my time with him and the new adventures he manages to convince me to try.

Verva:
Verva and I met in February, 2009 at a fetish night. At first sight there was a connection, and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other! We do a better job at it now, as we have settled into a great friendship. But there's always hope for more..

Eilen:
Eilen has become a great friend that was unexpectedly found through a personals site. She was looking for others to play with at the time on the urging of a partner of hers, yet we have never gone there together. I've watched her learn and grow and have shared in her life as much as time permits. I will always hope for more time with her, if her schedule ever settles down!

Tanto:
A married, one time paramour of mine. The desire, the love and affection we have for each other has not diminished, yet we try not to have a sexual relationship together. But we do still share more of ourselves with each other than we do with many other people, so he continues to be a large part of my everyday life.

Kapelle:
A previous dominant partner of mine. We had an unfortunate fallout and are rarely in touch these days.

Casual Friday

I'm sitting at work in my dress jeans and my ballet flats, enjoying the casual Friday. My work load is a little slow today and my mind wanders. Where to? It's Casual Friday, but I'm thinking about casual sex.

At one time, I was enjoying casual sex quite a bit. Casual play as well. It felt liberating; I was freely able to take pleasure in as many ways as I desired. I was always as careful as I could be while doing so but still getting my kicks out of it. Only see a guy once? No biggie. In fact, the first night I met Verva we played casually and yet a friendship has grown from that night and we see each other regularly, just without the casual sex part. (Will it stay that way? Who knows.)

But in the past 6 months or so, I've stopped that pretty much in full. For one - I'm not able to predict how BDSM play will effect me at this point. And I'm not really willing to get into anything when I don't know how I will react. It's not fair on the other person if I decide not long into an encounter that I no longer want to continue. Or worse, I will not want to continue but feel unable to bring myself to stop and simply go along. (It has happened in the past and I've no one to blame but myself.) To me though, it's more important that I do not know how a casual rendezvous would effect me emotionally. At one time, as I said, it made me feel good. Now, I don't think that would be the case. I believe it would leave me with a bad taste in my mouth, and that's not fun either literally or figuratively.

Regular, plain ole casual sex? At this point it doesn't do anything for me anymore. It's detached, emotionless. And I can certainly get myself off better than some stranger who doesn't know anything about me. It's always a game of chance as well - it may be a great time with an awesome person or a lackluster performance that may not even have been worth the time. I just feel my energy would be better spent elsewhere.

I'll still have fun with my friends if the opportunity arises and I'm in the right mood and mind frame. Even that recently has not been quite right. I think it's safe for me to say right now that I'm simply uninterested. Sure, I hold some lust for a couple people and I'll see how it pans out. But the love in my life from my close friends is more valuable and meaningful now. The physical isn't as vital.

Red Black HNT

Had you been there tonight
You might know how it feels
To be struck to the bone
In a moment of breathless delight!
Had you been there tonight
You might also have known
How the world may be changed
In just one burst of light!
And what was right seems wrong
And what was wrong seems right!

Red...

I feel my soul on fire!

Black...

My world if she's not there!

Red...

The color of desire!

Black...

The color of despair!

The Spark

For those waiting with bated breath (coughs) my date went alright. He is a very nice guy, level headed, intelligent. We have a lot in common. But what is missing is a spark, a connection. A close friend got it right on the money when he said “forced.” Yes – it felt forced being around this guy.

I know what that connection feels like now. It happened with Tanto, it happened with Amabile and Piacere, it even happens with people who I am just friends with like Verva and Eilen. (Man, I really need a page explaining who these people are, huh?)

When I have a connection with someone, I almost immediately want to spend more time with them. I want them in my life in any way I can have them. I actively communicate, even if it’s just a few texts in the week or an email. And usually, these people become my inner circle, the people I care for the most, trust the most, depend on the most. (Also, the people who take all those pretty pretty pictures of me for HNTs. :-P)

So the question then comes to me; do I wait for someone who gives me that immediate connection or do I try to find something that works without it? Really? I think that answer is easy.

Uncharted Territory

This Thursday, I shall be embarking upon a new adventure. Going to places unknown to me. Navigating through the dirty, dark street that is....

DATING.

(Insert gasps, shocks and ooooohs here.)

Yup. I have a date. I have never been on a proper date. You know, the whole I-like-him, wanna know more about him, spend time with him energy is going on. Flutterbys in the tummy, for sure.

We had a typical first coffee date before my trip to the States (oops...I had a three week holiday with my family! There, now you know.) and we hit it off really well. Even after I politely declined his offer to play, we talked for a further 2ish hours and he walked me home. (We live within walking distance of each other.) He was sad to find out I was going away so soon, and has been slowly chasing me ever since.

Chasing me. Well...ok. He sent me a couple messages on Facebook while I was on holiday, and sent me a text not very long after I got back from holiday. But it made me feel a bit special, that he'd take the time to catch up with me like that. My whole first week back I was busy already though, catching up with other friends and my "New Zealand" family. He texted me a few more times that week, just catching up. And I did the same - gotta try to reciprocate. And by Friday night I knew, as my schedule tends to do, I wouldn't get to see him if I didn't make the time, write it down in my calendar and commit to it.

So on Friday night I started texting him. Asked him if he was busy for Saturday night. He was, a family affair. Alright then - what about next week? After Tuesday he says, and allows me to choose the night. Thursday it is.

Um...so what do I do on a date? I'm pretty sure he would have texted me today, but alas! I left my cell phone at home this morning. (D'oh!) I don't even know what we're doing.

It's funny. A few months ago I was lamenting the lack of guys my age into what I'm into. And what happens? Here pops up a cute Dom guy that, so far, seems to fit quite well. I just hope I don't fuck up the whole "dating" thing...

Look! A Quiz!

Quite some time ago, Curvaceous Dee posted about a quiz she took on BDSM inclinations.

I've been on holiday as well on a hiatus from most stuff sex-related, but the quiz really got me thinking. Here are my own results:

Exhibitionist / Voyeur 100%
Submissive 89%
Experimental 89%
Masochist 86%
Degradation Lover 86%
Bondage 79%
Switch 46%
Sadist 39%
Vanilla 18%
Dominant 4%

At first I was surprised. But after a few moments it made sense. And to most of the people I've talked about this with, they seem to think it's on track as well. I enjoy watching other people play, full stop. I love seeing what people wear, how they do things, the unique bits that make them them. I am most certainly a people watcher. But I also enjoy showing off. Almost every munch will see me in short skirts and lots of cleavage. I enjoy being shown attention and dress up as often as I can (in real life and at BDSM functions!). And I have thoroughly enjoyed every single group sex situation I've been in. So I guess that fits.

Submissive - well duh that one fits at the top! *smirks*

I don't really agree with "experimental" being on the list at all. This would go back to the questions about being open sexually, sharing your desires with your partner, etc. That is simply how I wish the world would work as normal. No one should be ashamed of their sexuality (unless it gets them off, I suppose) and being open with your partner is the best way to keep the relationship alive in every way. But hey, it's just a quiz.

I find it interesting that there is a drop off after "bondage". The drop is drastic - 33 percentile points between bondage and switch. But again, it seems pretty accurate.

And being vanilla over being dominant? Hell yes! I would rather be vanilla than have to be dominant in my relationships.

Pretty good for a quiz, methinks. And yay for it getting me to post again.