Just Life...

Kapelle is so good to me. He's paid a bit extra on his rent at his flat so I can spend the next two weeks here with him. It not only gives us more time together but means I get away from living with kids! I love the Fluffies to pieces but living with children of any sort can wear on someone who isn't a parent themselves. I need some quiet space to replenish my sanity.

I keep getting worries and doubts as to whether I can actually suceed at being his submissive. I've been his before, but only on a part time basis. We were both in other relationships and didn't even live in the same city at the time. But he believes in me, so there must be something he sees that I don't.

Tanto will be back in the country in a week. I hope to be able to get together with him before we both have to go back to work on the 12. There's a lot we have to talk about and sort out.

A few of my closer friends have expressed dislike over my choice of using livejournal for my blogging. So I'm thinking about other alternatives, since I'm not actually using the community aspect of livejournal at all. I simply don't have time to be reading a friend's page. And I'm not even taking part in online converstaions in other places that I'm 'active' on so it's not going to happen here.

Kapelle bought me a fun Christmas present - Yummy! I think I was a little too vigorous with it when I tried it out though. I'm a bit tender and owie at the moment. But it'll be ok soon enough as it's not bad.

Nothing too exciting this time, but I do need to be getting into the habit of writing more often. I know for a fact it will be part of Kapelle's program with me, even though he hasn't given me details yet. I just know him well enough to make an educated guess.

Epiphany

While Tanto and I are hovering in limbo, my relationship with Kapelle is finally making its way out of the nether world.

Last weekend we had talked about when it would be a good time to become his submissive again. And we agreed that I still needed to keep my promise to myself, which was no serious commitments until 2009. So, that made it an easy answer really. On January first I'll be asking him to accept me as his submissive.

But he didn't leave it at that. He challenged me on Thursday:

Your ex may have topped you at times but he didn't really dominate you. I've still got a lot to learn about being a top, but I will dominate you. You need to think about the difference. About how that will effect you, what you will no longer be able to get away with, what will no longer be acceptible behavior. And whether that is really what you want.

So, he gave me an assingment to do that night. I had to write down all the questions I had as to what he was really meaning about all the change, write down all the questions, silly or not, about where in my head things were unclear regarding what it meant to be his submissive. And we would talk them through this weekend.

We talked last night. I was having trouble really understanding because I felt he was being very vague about what the changes would be. What would be demanded of me. He cleared some of this up. I know it's unrealistic to expect him to tell me everything but I needed something more concrete than what he had already given me.

My biggest question was what would be changing. What exactly did he mean by that quote I just put in? What was not acceptable behavior, what won't I be able to get away with?

Since I've been single I've had to put up defences for myself. I couldn't let people in and the way I handled it was to become very demanding. If I couldn't actually be in control it left me feeling vulnerable and scared. So my way of dealing with this was to take the control. I was way out of line with a lot of things these past few months, if I had been someone's submissive. Very bratty (in a bad way) and very toppy. Very toppy isn't a problem, except when you're doing it to your top. I hate admitting it, but I was honestly topping form the bottom quite a lot. And he was fully aware of it. I was only partially aware of it.

And I hate these changes. I dislike what I've become out of necessity. I'm certainly not submissive in very many ways right now. That honestly hurts. But I've been ignoring it because I haven't had any other way to deal with my reality.

Becoming Kapelle's submissive means letting all of that go. Instead of allowing him my body to use (how I liked it) I have to give him more. I have to give him everything, body, mind, heart and soul. And allow him to mould me, allow him into all of me, to take me back to being a person I'm proud of being. To being a submissive I'm proud to be.

Last night was very emotional for me. I actually remembered what it could mean to actually submit to someone. This was given back to me by Kapelle telling me what my first weeks will be like with him. He'll start training me. And the first block of training will be all about service and submission. Peeling away those hard layers I've built up to protect myself, to get back to what is important. Pleasing him and serving him. That doesn't sound so extreme. Except for what I won't be doing during that time. There will be no pain play at all. As a masochist that is hard for me to accept. I also will not be masturbating, which in general is completely the opposite of how Kapelle trains girls. Which does say a lot.

And Kapelle needed me to realise that it is very serious. That it's not to be taken lightly. That it won't be an easy journey. It's going to be very difficult and I'm sure I'm going to slip up along the way. But he's going to be there with me every step of the way to pick me back up if I need it.

I still can't quite believe this is happening. Looking back, I haven't actually been a submissive the way I always envisioned it being. It seems that in Kapelle I have found something I have been looking a very long time for. Somone who is willing to mould me, change me, do what he really does want with me. But that's because he loves the foundation of me, the core personality that is me. He's just going to tweak it to his liking.

I feel like he's giving me myself back. He's giving me the opportunity to be who I really want to be. And the greatest way I can repay him for that, to thank him for that, is to do my absolute best in what he's planning for me.

I am missing Tanto something fierce. He left for South Africa (his home country) a week and a half ago. Only a week and a half ago!

Before he left he asked me to think about what he means to me and what I'd like from him. Any musing thoughts count, and I've been writing quite a bit about him in my personal spaces.

By just how much I am missing him tells me that I do love him. I miss talking about even just the mundane things of life. I wonder what he's doing and where he is. I've thought about him at times when he should not have been on my mind, such as just minutes before the end of season Christmas concert. We've managed to text back and forth a few times, but not nearly as much as we had when he was here. And I miss it. I miss him.

But there's so much conflict in me. I know he's not completely happy with his fiance. I know he's amazed at how open he's been with me, how much he's trusted me so quickly. It's something he's never had with anyone else before. That binds us together in a way that can not be recreated. I'm fairly certain he does not want me out of his life, and I certainly don't want to lose him.

But just how can we continue down this road? I'll freely admit to already being "the other woman" because I have a part of his heart and his fiance wants complete devotion. We are having an emotional affair, at least to her eyes if she knew. One friend has said since we already have that, it's nonsensical to keep ourselves from being physical. Another friend says guilt and consequence should not be on my conscience if I help him cheat physically since it's his relationship, his life, not mine.

Where do I reconsile all of this? I have thought about allowing us to become sexual. And my previous black and white, young and naive rules of life seem to be changing. There is no going back from this. I am helping him cheat already. And I don't want to give up what we have already. That means my previous statements of, "I'll never help someone cheat on their partner," have gone right out the window, even if it was unwittingly.

So. I've broken that barrier. I've crossed that line. Do I want to continue down that road?

I'm coming up against those black and white views a lot. "Being physical" does not have to mean full sexual intercourse. The first thing I want to do when I see him is kiss him. Something we haven't allowed ourselves to do. Could we just stop at that? Or will it eventually all lead right down to doing everything together?

The energy between us, the connection, is so intense when we are physically together it's like a weight bearing down on us. There is lust, oh yes, but it's deeper than that as well. And I think the dam will simply burst if we let even just a trickle through.

Am I ok with that? Am I willing to completely be "the other woman" in so many ways? To have him hiding me from his partner because she won't approve? To have only the time he can manage to steal away from her in secret to be with him?

He has his own choices to make in this. But I have to make mine as well. And so far....so far I haven't come to any conclusions. I've simply come up with more and more questions.

But I still have another two weeks with out him.

The Surprise Limit

Knives have been on my hard limits list for a very long time. It's always been there, actually. Right from the start.

I used to take knives/razors/choose a sharp edge to my own skin as a release when I was a young teenager. It lasted a few years and I have lots of scars to show for it. So when I was learning about BDSM I automatically went, "No sharp things near me!" and breaking the skin in general became a hard limit. Knives and sharp things were never an actual phobia; I just rather enjoyed my skin to be wholly intact and wanted to keep it that way.

About 8-10 months ago, sharp things started showing up in my fantasies. I didn't try to push it away. It meant that I was starting to get over that part of my past in a way that I hadn't before. It felt like I was starting to accept that it had, in fact, simply been part of my past and that was ok. Just part of the journey. After all, I do keep saying that I don't regret any choices I've made in life as they've all led me to where I am now. That might not be quite so black and white as I try to make it out to be, but I think I was finally letting this part of me go.

So, the scene is set. I decide knives are something I would like to try - someday. (In the vein of breaking the skin, I also decided I wanted to try needles since I like piercing so much. But that's for another post.) Someday to me meant just that - in the undetermined future out there I'll at some point find someone who's experienced to do it with. But I wasn't at the point of taking any further steps to making it reality and didn't intend on it.

That all kinda went out the window when I became Midori's demo bottom for the genital play workshop at this year's Southern Exposure. We were starting to negotiate on Friday morning for the humiliation play workshop and she asked what she couldn't do. So I said no sharp things. We kept talking for a bit when she took an abrupt halt.

She paused for a moment and said, "You're my genital play bottom as well aren't you?" I reply that yes, I am.
"So does no sharp things apply to the genital workshop too?"
I must have looked quite unsure of myself. I drew out the one word question, "...Why?"
"Because I really like knife fucking.." And it was said in such a way as to make me feel like she really did enjoy it and just that little hint of predatory tone that often gets to me in the right way.

Oh...I think at that point I must have had the Deer in the Headlights look. She assured me I didn't have to give her an answer right away but to think about it. We went on talking more about the humiliation scene and getting on with other preparations for the weekend.

I had a lot of thinking to do for Midori. And actually, the knife was one of the easier ones to get through. She wanted to do it during the presentation. I weighed the facts:

I was sure I could trust her and her experience.
Knives had been becoming more acceptable to me, although I never thought of knife fucking but edge play.
She wanted to share this during the workshop, and I'm all for sharing and learning :-)
The weekend was already set to have several firsts for me, so why not another?

That night near the end of dinner Midori came to check on me, ask how I was doing. I replied to her that I was ok, and that the knife would be ok as well. She seemed please with that answer. *smirk*

The genital play workshop was first thing on Saturday morning. It was truly a great time. There were about 65 people attending and what Midori showed was simply how to think outside the box and turn things into fun play. Most of her implements of 'torture' were purchased from the $2 shop! (lol) She did hold up and show the knife near the beginning of class and a few people chuckled. I was already a little high on the rush and I commented quite loudly, "You think she's kidding? She's not!"

There was a lot of silliness - fishing with a toy fishing pole sticking out of my cunt, Midori blowing bubbles while I was "holding" the bottle, my male counterpart serving coffee from his balls. I also had a heap of wasabi powder put on me and activated by a water pistol. Holy ouch Batman. (I loved it anyway..)

But the change of atmosphere when Midori was preparing with the knife was incredible. A few people shuffled around to see better, then she told them no more moving. She needed concentration. There was not a single sound in the whole room. The anticipation from the attendants, Midori and myself was palpable in the air.

A new pair of gloves on, she opened the sterilised packet that held the buck knife. I was on the massage table, lying on my back with my knees up and legs spread (like I had been most of the workshop). I put my hands behind my knees, mostly just to give me something solid to hold onto and to keep myself from moving as much as possible. I closed my eyes and just tried to breathe.

I honestly had no idea what she was doing. I never even considering knife fucking before and knew nothing about it, which I don't like doing. Normally I read up on any type of play before I engage in it, talk to people who know about it. But that wasn't really possible this time. I should have asked her to explain at least a little but the weekend was very fast paced and I didn't think of it.

She had her fingers on either side of the blade and I felt her slowly pushing into me. I was trying to remind myself to breathe and to not move. After a few moments she exhaled heavily and I could feel the concentration and energy simply flow from her.

I can't actually remember anything else; I was so spaced out. It was simply that big of an incredible rush.

I took some time before I got down off the table and I had so many people asking me questions. But I couldn't really answer any of them. Even now, I'm not sure if I could answer them all. I just don't feel like I have the words to describe it adequately.

It was a tremendous experience though. My limits got pressed and as a result I've got a whole new range of experiences to try that I was uncertain about trying before. I got to share something that isn't (openly) done/talked about terribly much in New Zealand with a large group of people. I learned a lot about myself and just how far I can actually go, just how much I hold myself back. I wouldn't have traded all that for the world. I was scared out of my wits but it brought me so much and I'm so grateful I got the opportunity.