Black & White

Probably the biggest thing that having Tanto in my life has taught me is that things are never as black and white as I'd like them to be. It is a lesson I learn again and again, and think it will be one that I will be go through many more times in my life.

I enjoy firm boundaries. Lines drawn in concrete rather than sand. Actions are either right or wrong with no in between. The world is black and white with no gray area. I know my views on the world are still quite naive, innocent and purist. I still am surprised when I learn that other people believe differently than I do. (Not that I feel their beliefs are wrong; I just forget that other people don't see the world in my way.)

Before I knew Tanto I believed anyone who could cheat on their partner was inherently a bad person. But I've learned with him that love can sometimes be part of the reason the cheating happens. He does not tell his partner that he can love others, does love others because he does not think she will be able to handle it. That she would be devastated. And he doesn't want to hurt her. They have a good life together. In a strange way, it's out of love that he does not share this part of him. He is a wonderful man, deserving of all that good things that come to him. I feel he is a confused and somewhat lost soul, but still good at heart. And I don't think I'm a bad person for being involved with him, when just 6 months ago I would have said anyone involved in cheating was bad.

In a more general sense - a man finds other women to have sex with because his wife does not fulfill him (or the other way around) but in every other way their life is wonderful and he loves her. They may have a family or not, but aside from this one part of their lives they fit perfectly. (Let's pretend it's possible, ok?) The choice would be to potentially ruin their lives together and separate their family by communicating in order to fulfill this one need, ignore the need and eventually drive the relationship to ruin because of building resentment with the lack of needs being met, or fulfill it in secret? I can see now how cheating could become the most desirable option for those who conform to the overall of society's values.

I am astounded at how much acceptance cheating gets in the everyday world. Not one person that has found out about Tanto and me has blinked. It's accepted as part of life for most. (I have not talked to Dee about it yet. I am scared for she is my best friend and I know she does not condone what is happening.)

And yet, I still feel cheating is wrong. Even though I am, at this very moment, helping someone do it. I told myself I would never be in this position. I would not be party to such a betrayal of trust. Honesty means more to me. But then, I've never been in that situation so how can I judge?

I suppose I am just seeing a different side to it. Can one really ignore one's heart? I haven't been able to. Despite how much it goes against my beliefs, I simply can not pull myself away from it.

So, I've learned that I can not tar a person on the single fact that they cheat or have cheated. In some instances, it is because a person is bad. Because they just don't care enough. But sometimes it can come from a loving place. Misguided and confused, but still a place of love.

I do think I will always push for openness and honesty. (Believe me, I have pushed Tanto about this quite hard. But he has not budged.) To bring up problems and try to resolve them together. To not hide things of such importance from those around. It's just how I wish my life to be. But some people can not take the step to live that way themselves. And I have to be ok with that.