Is It Time?

Today, Tanto gets married. There is certainly a sense of loss within me. Part of it is because I want to be there with him and share this important day. Another part is the reason why I can't be and the fact he will never share his whole life with me.

This is not a forever relationship. I know that. I personally don't feel any relationship can be considered "forever" and that people who enter into relationships expecting that will be disappointed. Maybe a little cynical of me, but hey. It's what my experiences have taught me. A view of "this relationship is going to be lasting," I feel, is better than saying forever.

So I know what I have with Tanto will end. When? I don't know. But I do know that I have had enough of being single and don't want to be it any longer. I understand why people say a person has to be on their own before they can really be fully present in a relationship. I've had time, almost a year now, and it has taught me a lot. One thing it has taught me is that I will not be happy being on my own.

I've had some awesome times in the past year. I have learned a lot. Met some of the best people I know. Experienced a whole slew of new things. But have I been happy? Not really. With out someone to dedicate myself to I always feel slightly lost. With out purpose.

This past year has shown me that the submissive part of myself will not go away. It is a large part of my personality. It might hide quite well, be buried under walls built to protect myself, and be difficult to bring out but it is there and it's not going anywhere.

So I find myself wishing. Wishing Tanto could be what I need, wishing I could find what I need. Thinking that maybe I should start looking for a serious relationship of my own. Someone to be a "primary" with, despite those labels being below par. But for the most part, I've realised the chances of finding what I want and need in NZ are pretty slim. I just feel it's too small.

I need to stay in NZ for quite a few years yet though. I have debt to get rid of and have study options here in NZ. But beyond that, I will need to be heading back to the States.

So what do I do about wanting a relationship? Most people are looking for "forever" relationships. I find people tend to not want to invest in something unless it can be guaranteed to last. How do I go about finding something I know will only last a handful of years when others don't see things that way? What do I do about my wants and needs? Casual play is fun but I do need something more.

I'm also afraid to put myself out there. Afraid I will be shown I'm not actually desirable or wanted or something to be prized. Scared that my issues (yes, I admit I have quite a few) are actually too much to overcome and I'm no longer able to submit to someone properly. Worried that I will not be able to find what I'm looking for.

I have learned a bit more about what I am looking for though. I'll need to start putting that down in words instead of just flashes in my head. Can't get it if I can't qualify it, right?