One, Two, Buckle My Shoe!

Tomorrow I have an appointment at the Sexual Health Clinic . (Anyone in the Auckland area - free and confidential screenings, with four different clinics Auckland wide. Their hours can be a bit annoying, but it's a great service.)

I do these twice a year, regularly now. A year ago I didn't have the need as I was quite a bit less sexually active. Now it's simply stupid not to do it.

But I do dread going. Not because I'm terribly worried that I've caught something; that's not why I go. I do take reasonable precautions to protect myself but it's not always enough. So it's a "just in case" sort of thing, peace of mind that I am still without problems. The safety measures I take cannot guarantee nothing will be transmitted, so safe is better than sorry.

The reason I don't like going terribly much is because I am actually afraid of being judged. Being stereotyped. Being looked down upon for enjoying my sexuality. Realistically, it's very rare that would happen. Who works at a sexual health clinic and not be open minded? It'd be a difficult role to fill if you couldn't be unbiased. But it is undeniable that women who have even a handful of sexual partners in the world today can be tarred with a very negative brush. Therefore it leaves me a little gun shy, as it were.

Actually, the last time I went the clinician started asking me all sorts of questions about the gang bangs when I finally told her about it. I had only attended a couple of them at that point and had a reasonable guesstimate of how many partners I'd had. So she asked why I was so unsure, what had changed in my life that put my sexual partner numbers up and I told her. She was surprised certainly, but intellectually interested in the concept.

This time, there's no way I can estimate how many partners there have been. I've attended at least 5 gang bangs since the last testing and I've gotten much braver since those first few. I cannot even tell you how many men I'd had sex with at the last event alone. There have been times where I've never seen their faces. I very rarely remember names and most of the time I don't even get names. Some of the *ahem* more potent of the men come back three or four times in one night. It's impossible to count on a single night, even more preposterous to try to remember from event to event who may have had sex with me at previous ones and is not technically a "new" partner.

So how the hell do I actually answer that number question?? It's one of the first things they ask. Last time, I tried to get away with the "I don't honestly know" and I think she viewed it as me being shy or embarrassed. That wasn't it in the slightest. Even back then I didn't have a definitive number for them.

I think this time I will just have to be straightforward. When they ask that ominous question, I'll just have to reply honestly. Let's see how the clinician reacts when one of the first things out of my mouth is, "I participate in gangs bangs and do not honestly know how many new sexual partners I have had in the past six months."

It sure will be interesting.