The Topping On the Cake

I found myself topping on the weekend again. It wasn't a full "scene" like I had with Verva (although I would hardly call what we did a scene anyway) but simply helping a dominant play with his girl.

Again, it came in the form of playing with rope. Someone had requested that I bind my hair like I had for the last fetish party, so I did. And this dominant asked if I'd show him sometime. I grabbed some of my rope and showed him immediately. He then went on to talk to me about some other rope fun he'd had in mind but wouldn't do in a completely private scene with just the two of them due to safety. A little later the female of the couple came up to me, asking if I would be willing to help her Master out with a scene. I said yes, as I like the couple and hey - chance to have fun!

He asked me to put a chest harness on her out of rope. I'm not terribly good with it yet, but I do a passable job. So I put a basic harness on her and then he took over, trussing her up in a very yummy position. I sat nearby, simply watching, getting terribly aroused watching him play with her. He had taken a small cane out and when I finally decided to take myself away to play with myself he said my name and handed the cane to me! (They had seen my play with Verva at the aforementioned fetish night.) Being me, I couldn't say no! I took the proffered cane and had some fun of my own, being very careful as I didn't know the pretty lady. But I think she enjoyed my contribution, especially since she didn't take the harness off until it was time to go home! :)

It simply gets me to wondering. How have I come from never thinking I'd be able to be dominant or top to doing it so often? Ok, "so often" is probably an understatement at this point. But I can see myself doing it regularly. I've grown in leaps and bounds in the past year regarding my sexuality. Why does it surprise me so that I've come to enjoy topping?

I suppose I'm fighting the notion that I'm somehow becoming less submissive because of it. I'm certainly not; the need and desire is still there. My personality hasn't changed. I just seem to have learned a new way to please people. And that's where the joy comes out of it for me, not the being in control part.

A few years ago I learned the term "service Top" from a class Midori taught at the first Southern Exposure. I think that's about where I fit in the spectrum of play when it comes to topping. I'm not doing it for the feeling of control (being dominant) but I'm also not doing it simply because I like the act of caning or hurting someone (the topping part). The simplest form of service Top can be someone who does a specific act as directed by someone else for their own pleasure. So, if a dominant particularly likes, say, flogging, s/he may instruct their submissive to do it to them. The submissive would still be following orders, still serving his/her dominant but doing it in an unconventional way.

I come at it from a more free-form way, knowing what a person likes and giving it to them. Verva certainly didn't tell me to tie her to a chair and cane her. I knew, generally, what she liked and just felt compelled to play with her. (In fact, I had no idea what I was doing that night. It was all improvised.) It came from a place of wanting to please her, give her what she liked and wanted. I fed on her energy, her pleasure. The rush was not a feeling of having power or control over her. It was not a feeling of enjoyment from giving her pain. And similarly this weekend, putting on the harness was a joy of being able to enhance someone else's scene, help those people enjoy their time more than they might have on their own. The motivation comes wholly from wanting to do something for the other person or people. To add to what they already create or to create something for someone else.

Maybe I'm just trying to put a spin on things to satisfy my own insecurities about my submission right now? I'm not sure. I've heard some dominant and tops say they do what they do for their partner before. Who knows. At least for now, I can't really accept that I'm enjoying topping for the sake of myself.