Butterfly

She remembers when she first got her wings

And how she opened up that day
she learned to sing
Then the colors came, erased the
black and white
And her whole world changed
when she realized





She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world
So much hope inside such a lovely girl
You should see her fly, it's almost magical
It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful.

~She's a Butterfly, Martina McBride



An enormous thanks to Dee's Adonis for my very first scratchie, and to him and Dee for my pretty pictures.

Reasons and Introspection

I'm feeling quite a bit better now. I think my emo-ness on Monday afternoon was a combination of missing Tanto and coming down from some pretty awesome play on the weekend. (Pics coming later today!)

Tanto and I have managed to connect at least once a day now. Our phone bills will be paying for it at the end of the month, that's for sure. But the contact is needed. I'm trying not to think about the situation too much because ultimately I am not happy with it. And I will never be, because it goes against my want to live an open and honest life. But weighing that against what has developed between us and what that brings me (and him) is too enormous to decipher.

I do need to think about the situation though. Actually, I was told to be thinking about it while he is away. It came in the form of seeing him as a "reason" person in my life and to figure out what that reason could be. When Tanto first gave me this task I immediately wanted to tell him no. Because if he is only a reason person in my life it means there is a finite end to him being in my life, which I did not want to think about. But he has asked me to do it and I will.

How on earth can I figure that out though? Normally one does not discern that sort of thing until a significant amount of time has gone by and is looking back in hindsight. I'm not at that place. So I've come to see it as working out what he's taught me so far. What has changed in me since coming to know him. How he has impacted me, my personality, my beliefs and my life.

There are a couple things that standout instantly. (And probably are the most interesting for anyone reading..heh.) Tanto has actually taught me quite a bit about sex. Astonishing, if you knew both him and me.

I have enjoyed 'vanilla' sex with him. Never before in my life had I enjoyed it enough to want to do it again with that person. I'm sure most of this has to do with the love we have for each other. I have loved and do love other people I have sex with, but the connection Tanto and I have is something I truly cannot put into words. Even with my husband in the early days it was not the same. (But no two relationships are ever the same. Because no two people are the same.) There is a reciprocation that I have not felt before. I do not doubt the love other people have for me but for the first time it feels as if the devotion I give to those I love so deeply is being returned. That sounds crazy, considering the circumstances. But Tanto is poly in his heart and can love more than one at a time. And I can feel it. So that's why I think 'vanilla' sex has worked with him.

He's also shown me that you don't need all sorts of toys to play with bdsm. I've always known that but no one had shown me physically just how true it really is. The only things fetish-y he's had at his disposal was my collar and leash. And yet he came up with so many ways to include bdsm. Using my tight t-shirt to pin my arms above my head, his belt around my throat, clothes pegs, biting. But mainly his previous martial arts training has been incredible - knowing where on the body he can punch with out much risk of serious damage, knowing how he can move my limbs to immobilise me with just his body. I still have some bruising from the deep impact of his fist on my ass, almost 2 weeks later. Unbelievable, for me.

Hm. Not nearly as interesting as I thought. Oh well - writing for me is how I figure these things out. You'll just have to put up with me :-P

Lonliness

Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there.
~ Joss Whedon

I dislike feeling alone. Physically, I may not be alone. But alone in heart...that's a different thing.

Tanto is gone. He flew out on Saturday afternoon. Luckily, Kapelle had planned one of his workshops for Saturday so a lot of friends were here. It kept me occupied and from thinking too much about Tanto. And on Sunday, Kapelle had someone here and invited me to spend time with them.

Time is what I fear right now. Time combined with a lack of something to do. Because then I will start thinking. Thinking about Tanto, the things we have, the things we can't have, the way things will change, what can actually work, what won't work, the possibility of actually ruining his life by simply loving him. My brain just keeps going and going. And my heart aches.

Tanto sent me a quick email while he had a layover in Singapore. One line stands out:

"Never felt so alone as when I turned off my phone to you."

I almost cried when he told me he was turning off his phone. The tears were there, wanting to come but I wouldn't allow them. (Sadly, it is ingrained in me from childhood that crying is bad.) It felt like a connection was being severed. Any communication I have with him in the next two weeks will be sporadic at best. And I have felt so entirely alone today. Normally, we chat via txt in the morning, email during the day, txt after work and before I go to bed. We are in almost constant contact. So today I felt the gaping hole left by his absense.

I hate to sound so lovey-dovey and pathetic. I have a life outside of Tanto. But he simply makes things that little bit brighter. Someone to share my whole life with, even down to the most mundane things.

I need to get a grip. Life is certainly not going to be peachy keen when he is back in NZ. I'm not sure if it will be worse, having him so near but inaccessible. If this loss of contact completely will seem like a walk in the park compared to having communication and sharing but (almost) no possibility of physical contact.

*sighs* It's only two weeks, right?

My Rope!

For the most recent fetish night, I needed to come up with an outfit. (Something I need to do for every party, but this one felt kinda special.) Kapelle held his first workshop only a few weeks prior, which was all about rope. One of our friends who attended found some awesome cotton rope at Payless Plastics and I took some off of his hands, paying him back later in the week. It was a very natural color, not bleached to a bright white. This would not do for the fairy girl, liking lots of color. (I purposefully try not to wear black to munches or events *grin*) So I set out to dye my newly acquired rope.

I found this YouTube clip of the Two Knotty Boys showing how to dye your own rope. I used that as a basis for my little project.

So, here's my rope:

(Click on any picture for a larger version)

I went out to find some dye, and came home with these Dylon powder dyes, from a local emporium, suitable for hot salt water setting:

This is where the fun began. I put a pot of water on the stove, enough to allow the length of rope I was dying to be completely submerged. The specific dye I used suggested in its instrustions to dissolve the dye in 500 mL of water before adding to the pot, so I did. (Be very careful what the dye touches. I'd never used it before and didn't realise it would literally stain anything it touched!) Now, I'm all set to start!

The already dyed water went into the main pot. I added two heaping tablespoons of table salt to the water now, as opposed to what TKB say, as I was using my dye packet instructions. A good stir, and I then could feed the rope into the pot gradually.

The water needed to simmer slightly and stirring the rope every 5 minutes is needed. This is so the rope does not manage to stick itself to the bottom of the pot, burning itself. Yummy colors!!

After 20 minutes (so after the fourth stir) the element got turned off and I let the rope sit for a final 5 minutes. Then the water gets poured out and the "difficult" part is over!

That's the rope sitting in my sink! A lovely dark red, but a lot of the dye actually rinses out. Popping on some gloves, the rope got rinsed under cold water.


This is actually quite a tedious part, as you need to rinse until the water runs clear. There's a lot of dye that comes out! I stood there for a good 10 minutes rinsing, squeezing every part of the rope out to remove all the excess dye. From here, it's quite simple!

I just tossed the rope in the washing machine (with no detergent, but you can use it) and ran it on a cool cycle, double rinse and no spin. We have a front loader, so if you have an agitator you really need to put it in an old pillowcase to keep it from getting wrapped around it. You can put it in a pillowcase anyway, which will keep it from tangling in itself.

When that was done, I popped it in the dryer because I'm impatient. You can tie it up to dry, or just put it in low or no heat in the dryer. Once it's done, voila! Pretty colors of rope!

My outfit for the fetish night. All of the rope tying was done by me. After putting so much effort into my rope, I realised that I do not like sharing it. Kapelle had asked me and I balked at the very thought! I'm normally quite good at sharing my toys. But not my rope! It feels like something too personal to share. I'll gladly use it on other people (as Verva learned that night) but not for other people to use it on other people. Call me selfish ;)

Claiming

A blissful moment - sitting at his feet while watching a movie, his hand holding the chain leash attached to the leather collar around my neck. It feels calm, peaceful, right.

The chain is suddenly pulled taut and the pressure continues, forcing my head to tilt back to look up at him. I see the glint in his eye, the beast inside him wanting to come out to play.

I'm pushed to the floor in one swift motion, the chain sliding through his fingers keeping the tension. He lands astride my waist and leans down to kiss me fiercely. My arms are wrenched above my head and he slowly twines the chain about my wrists as he growls in my ear. The cold chain chilling my skin. His teeth bite into the cartilage, making me squeak and squeal. The chain bites into my wrists, pinching sharply and making me wince. The handle of the leash gets tucked in somehow, keeping the chain in place as he grabs a large fistful of hair.

And then he pulls. But he's not just pulling hair - he's pulling me. I scramble as best I can but he still is doing most of the movement, my body being led by his grip. Using his strength to manhandle me into whatever position he chooses.

There is no denying this excites me. Being at his will and his whim whenever he so chooses. My breathing is short, moans escaping from deep within. And when he mounts me to mark his claim I am more than ready for him.

Tokens

A connection that was unexpected.
A relationship blossoming.

Love and desire mingled to create an unbreakable link.
The fire of passion always bubbling below the surface,
waiting to boil over.

A single touch releases the heart to endless joy.

A touch that will seldom be.

But the connection is strong.
The two joined, creating something more.

Simple reminders,
raising memories of ecstasy.
Tokens from the heart,
to symbolise his ownership.
Reinforcing my place in his heart,
my place at his feet.

A Bittersweet Evening

Normally on Tuesday nights I go to orchestra rehearsal. With school holidays on, and the fact it's a youth orchestra, there aren't any rehearsals at the moment. Tanto invited me to come around to his place for the night.

I've been having a bit of a difficult time emotionally lately. I know, I know, I've put myself into that position. But there's a lot more going on than what I blog about here as well. That's life. Tanto could feel this and simply allowed me to hide away for a bit. We started making dinner but I was feeling very insecure and he parked me on the couch with my book. We chatted as we ate, then I watched an episode of Futurama as he did some of his own things on the computer. After the episode I went in and sat at his feet for a bit. Just needing to be near him and he allowed it. By that time it was already 8:30 and close to my bedtime. He sent me off to shower and get ready for bed.

All night he had been asking me what was happening in my head. I simply couldn't say it. Knowing myself, I told him I'd likely be able to talk about it once we got into bed. Cuddled up warm in bed next to someone with the lights out is where I feel safest to talk about the things that hurt me the most. And once we were settled I was able to.

My head on his chest, one arm tucked up under his shoulder, the other on his thigh, our legs entwined, we talked in hushed voices. About how much we mean to each other. Admissions to the depth of our relationship that neither of us dared hope for or expect. Tears came to my eyes when he said he would miss me, how much pain I could hear in his voice. Because I will be losing him in the way we've had these past few weeks.

It truly felt like a goodbye.

He spoke of the things I've done for him. How I've accepted him, deepest darkest secrets and all, to finally have someone on the outside say those parts of him were ok. It wasn't so much the words that moved me. He's spoken some of them before. But the pure unadulterated gratitude I heard in his voice and the realisation on my part of just how much this meant to him, how deeply it moved him. How it has helped him accept and love himself more for my simple acceptance of who he is in totality.

I spoke to him of how he's changed me. How I had never submitted my spirit to someone out of pure want and desire instead of need. Of how he's shown me that love has so many more forms than I've seen before. That the world is not so black and white as I'd like it to be. Of how my walls have tumbled before him like sand through an outstretched hand and given me myself back.

After such an outpouring of emotion, we fell silent. There simply were no more words. But such strong feelings and connections create another state of need. I began to let my hands roam, lightly touching his skin the way he likes. Scratching his scalp, caressing his cheek. I never wanted to stop touching him. Kissing his chest, my hand took long strokes up and down his side, from thigh to arm. An electric touch to my fingers, making him twitch and shiver in pleasure. A sharp intake of breath when my hand passed his groin. A moan as I took his cock into my hand, wrapping my fingers around the shaft and just holding gently. I could feel the pulse of his blood in my fingers. Slowly I ran my hand up and down, reaching up to kiss him, his tongue seeking out mine. I kissed under his chin, along his collarbone. Languidly I traced a line with my lips, kissing down his chest. My tongue probed his belly button as I teased my way down.

With his cock pressed strongly against his stomach, I didn't have far to go. I licked the tip, savoring the warm softness. After a few strokes of my tongue I took the head in my mouth, accompanied by Tanto moaning and arching his back. I allowed my hands to start caressing again, sometimes firm and sometimes faint. With the length of him enveloped by my warmth, I slowly pressed on a little further, his head easing into my throat. His hips pushed further, up and down only slightly as he was lost in the pleasure.

I rose up to the head of the bed to kiss him again. More hushed whispers are shared, declarations of love and desire. Despite it being my bedtime, our night of what felt like desperate final love making had only begun. The warmest of fulfilling feelings combined with the sorrow of what will be lost. That night we would enjoy what we had.

Determining Value

I hesitate to use the word "control" as the bdsm world knows it when it comes to the new found step in the relationship between Tanto and me. He hasn't actually taken a hand in much, yet, and my life continues on as normal with barely any change in daily routines.

My thoughts on that are backed up by the very definition of control, from dictionary.com, as being "to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command." The term possess seems to fit my idea better: "To have as belonging to one; have as property." Just because you own something doesn't mean you always use it for its intended purpose, right? Tanto has the ability to do all the normal D/s things with me but he simply does not feel the want at the moment. I'm fine with that - this is very much a fluid dynamic that is complicated and will take time to hash out, as well as the fact that I need to stay somehow independent of him due to circumstances.

But I am his possession. It just feels like the right word to put to it.

The other weekend, as a reward for carrying out the tasks he set me successfully, he wanted me to play with myself for him. We lay in bed, his hands on my skin while my hands were busy down below. Even with my bullet vibrator and favorite glass dildo, it simply wasn't working. I would get close then it would slip away from me. I'm not very comfortable masturbating with others watching so in some way it made a bit of sense. But he had asked me to do this for him and I really wanted to give it to him. He told me to stop, that it was ok but I begged to try again. I was overcome with the need to do as he wished, give him this part of me that very few get to see. So I tried again and it still just didn't work.

Once I finally accepted it wasn't happening and tossed my toys aside I curled up on the edge of the bed facing away from him. I don't take failure well at the best of time, and when I fail at something as a submissive I take it very badly. My demons come out to wreak havoc; the parts of me that still believe I'm worthless and can't do anything right. Those thoughts came screaming into my head in a rush. If I couldn't do something so routine as orgasm from masturbating for him, what good could I possibly be? How could he possibly want to own someone who can't complete simple tasks? My body wracked with thundering sobs I could hear him calling my name, trying to drag me back to reality.

He was telling me to turn back to him. To not run away, not allow myself to pull back from him. He repeated himself over and over. Do not run from me, come here. Do not run. After a few moments (which at the time felt like a lifetime) I gained enough control of that particular demon to roll back toward him and he wrapped him arms around me. He continued to speak to me as I slowly calmed down. I breathed deeply at his command, slowing the speed of my breath and my mind. Then he ordered me to look at him.

Tanto had been using forced eye contact already with me. This time was different. Once I managed to raise my eyes to him he spoke softly but with strong conviction.

"Your value is mine to determine. I own your demons. They are mine to control. I determine your value."

Something in me simply ... clicked. Very rarely can someone take control of this part of me and almost immediately the thoughts stopped. Something solidified inside. No longer would I be able to second guess my own worth; those demons would obey. I do know how valuable I am and what a strong person I am in many ways. But those demons always manage to chip slowly away at myself, giving credence to the voices of my past who spoke those words. If someone else, the someone I belong to is the one who determines my worth and value, those demons have very little sway.

A few more times in the past week they have come up. At little times, as they always do. Somehow Tanto is able to ascertain it's happening and gives me a reminder. That as his possession, he decides if I have failed and he sets the benchmark. Not me. I can see through his eyes just how much I am and how much I can be. I just need to learn to see it with all of myself as well.

It's a slippery slope to ride. I have to be able to hold myself up on my own, have to keep my own personal sense of worth and value without his input. Someday he won't be there to determine these things. Hopefully, that someday will only happen when I/we are ready for it to happen. But for now, I feel strengthened, supported and in some strange way, more myself with Tanto in the role he's taken in my life.

Time Ticks Down

When I finally asked and found out Tanto is leaving the country next weekend, I decided I simply had to spend this weekend with him. He had no objections, although he did want me to attend the local munch because it is something I almost always do. But the way things are right now and how they will be are drastically different. Mainly, there will be no other chances to have whole weekends with Tanto. And I'm a selfish girl at times. I wanted to take all the opportunity life has given me to have time with him.

So I whisked myself down the road after work on Friday to be in his presence. I know that this time has been somewhat purely out of fantasy. There was little real life involved; us both doing some chores on Saturday afternoon but the majority of the time was spent just being with each other and doing what pleased us at the time. Whether that was cuddling, chatting, teasing or sexy fun stuff. (And there was lots of the last.)

There were more moments of him reiforcing his possession of me. This is the part I think will be the hardest once he is back in New Zealand. We will not have much in person time for that connection to be reestablished and strengthened. And that connection is the lifeblood of what this relationship has become I think. I do not want to lose it.

I wonder how it will work.
I wonder if I can handle it.
I wonder whether he can manage the various relationship changes, both with me and his partner.
I wonder how this love can be so deep.
I wonder if the love will endure.

It's another time I need to give in. I need to accept. Simply allow things to happen as they do and not to stress, worry and wile away hours pondering on things I can neither predict nor change.

Tanto granted two requests I had made. I had been falling asleep literally holding my cell phone, as it has been my only connection to him (yay for Vodafone Best Mates). We went shopping on Saturday and he bought me a stuffed toy to sleep with. Somehow I ended up with an elephant, who still needs to be named. (I did take off the ugly plaid bow at his neck!) He also indulged my need of a physical reminder of his possession - a simple silver necklace he purchased today without me. He had to guess as to the sizing but it turned out to fit perfectly. There was no pomp or circumstance to him putting it on. I simply turned, lifted my hair and he clasped it on. I turned back to him and we embraced with a sweet and loving kiss.

I have a lot to think and wonder about, writing it all out at his request. I hope to get to see him again before he leaves, if only for one more hug.

An Unexpected Twist...

I haven't written about Tanto for some time. Mainly that is because I had finally let my mind rest. I stopped over-thinking things, stopped analysing and tried to simply accept. Accept that something would happen, in its own time and its own way. And that I could not deny my heart what it had come to desire - Tanto simply being in my life.

Our relationship finally became physical a few weeks ago. That, I expected. Where else could it go? The chemistry and spark we create when together, either alone or not, is extraordinary. He showed me things in just a few hours together that I hadn't experienced before in my life.

What happened this past weekend, I had never dreamed of.

We have talked in the past about the fact I'm submissive - duh, it's such a huge part of me it's hard not to talk about. I would occasionally manage to drain my passion for it out to him, allowing my frustrations go. And for some time he had actually been holding back a need of his own. To simply take me over, control me completely, possess me as I desired. A few times he had spoken very briefly of it to me but I passed it off as more of an impulse at specific moments of weakness in me that brought it out in him.

Seems it wasn't just impulse. Because somehow, in some strange way, he's taken possession. I've submitted to him. And he has control.

*shakes head* It's all so confusing. He's not quite a dominant. He's more of a guide, a protector than simply a person wanting control. He's never done something quite like this before and I hesitate to make suggestions, because he has taken that control. There's been almost no negotiation. No rules. No checklist gone over. It's a shift in perception and perspective.

There were so many amazing moments this past weekend. His partner has gone to their home country and we had unlimited time together. I wore my collar for a large part of the weekend. He gave me some small tasks. Sitting at his feet, his hand holding my leash. Feeling whole. But he made certain, several times, to reinforce the fact that he has me and all of my being is under his control.

The words are just not here. It felt like a dream and I was dreading Tuesday morning and the trek back to real life. But I was oddly calm and peaceful. Things that normally would have bothered me didn't. It's like something has shifted into place. There is very little change in my day to day life because of this happening but such a huge and strange transformation within me.

And I'm giving him something as well. He's been allowed to let his dark side out a bit and being given free reign to do as he wishes in a way he's never experienced before. Already he's shown incredible restraint in his own desires, putting what may be best for me above what he would like (often what we would both like). Allowing me to continue doing things he does not naturally wish to allow because if I didn't do them, I simply wouldn't be me.

Restraint on both of our parts will be important. He has his partner, soon to be his wife, to be with. She will come first. We will not have much time together. I will need to be careful with the balance between my independent life and how my submission to him impacts me. There will need to be some distance, because he can not be my primary. And I do realise this will basically end up hurting me greatly someday. But I can enjoy it for what it is, allow this thing of beauty to happen and deal with the pain later or live life in a void as I have been, my heart not fulfilled at all and hurting for the lack. No matter what I do, I hurt in some way. I'd rather have good things to remember and experience another love that has come into my life than deny myself the chance.

We are taking things as they come. One day at a time, one issue or point of negotiation as it presents itself. But one thing will not change anytime soon. Tanto now owns me.

Switcheroo

Friday night was the first "play party" held at the local swinger's club Spartys. As well as being advertised for the local bdsm scene, the owners of the club sent out invites to the patrons they knew would enjoy and some other outlets and resources they have. It ended up being quite a good mix of people from various sub cultures of Auckland.

A few of us went to someone's house to get ready. We were all there quite early and had time to just chat and hang out before we really needed to start getting ready. The host made a very yummy pasta dish for dinner. I had already done the showering and shaving and such, so just had to get dressed. But 'dressed' included quite a bit of ropework. Tying the rope into my hair was not difficult but tiring for my arms! Figuring out how to finish off the gauntlets on my arms was the only hard part there. The corset I was making gave me the most trouble, as it included two knots. I learned how to make the knot fairly well - when the rope wasn't on me! After several unsuccessful attempts I finally got it and all my rope was set. Of course, my skirt was not exactly public friendly so that had to wait to be put on. A t-shirt went over the bra and rope, the party skirt tucked into a bag and a plain skirt on my body, we were all ready just in time for the taxi to show up.

I think we gave the driver a bit of a fright. Poor man - a woman in a wedding dress, a man all in black plus a black trench coat, a woman in all leather plus fuck me boots, and a girl with rope all over piling into his cab. And to add to it, we chatted about gay boys and the local gay club / store, laughed about this and that. We weren't purposefully trying to shock him but our conversation and energy were certainly focused on the night to come.

We arrived just after the doors were open for the night. I quickly dashed into the bathroom to put my skirt on, adjust the ribbons on my legs. So there I was, ready for the party to begin with my ass peeking out the back of my skirt, breasts barely contained in the half cup bra, rope adorning my body but not constricting. All I got was glowing compliments :) Everyone had put in some kind of effort for their dress and there were lots of yummy people to look at.

Verva was there, looking incredibly delicious in a black slinky body stocking of a sort, along with her new shackles and collar that pronounced her "pet" of the male owner of the club. Just looking at her I could feel that seductive and sensual tug...I simply wanted to play with her. She was well off into her own world though, having spent the afternoon with her Master.

I greeted the folks I knew, chatted a bit. I enjoyed helping my friend in the wedding dress ("Doll" for the night) come while another flogged her bare ass. She looked delightfully debauched with the wedding dress hitched up around her thighs; I want to do a photo shoot with her in that dress. And as usual I continued to circulate, watching some play here, adding a little bit there with the people I knew well, and kept coming back to Verva and her Master.

This time she turned and kissed me, nibbling on my shoulder as well. I allowed my hands to roam (once I had received permission to touch). She is just too yummy not to touch! She got sent away to give a few people a tour of the club as they arrived and I took the opportunity to ask if I could play with her. Again I was freely given permission, and asked specifically if there was anything I couldn't do. Nothing in particular, and my mind started working more.

When she came back, I grabbed my toy bag and brought her over to the dance area. (Not much dancing to be had that night!) I pulled over a circular stool that had a back on it, which was what first prompted my Toppy self to churning through the options. Luckily I had brought some more spare rope that night! With Verva's shackled hands behind her, I tied them to the chair back. Then her feet, clad in leather boots, got spread and tied to the legs of the stool. She had the thought enough to tell me her safe word and I thanked her for being so good to remind me. Being inexperienced with Topping, I hadn't thought any farther than that! I apologised to Verva; I was going to need to leave her to get some things. I reassured her she was safe and would be ok, then went as quickly as I could to get what I needed.

Her Master had shown me a few of her new found favorite toys earlier. I borrowed the short cane and a friend's blindfold. While trying to keep the cane from her sight, I came around behind her to place the blindfold on. I ran my hands over her. Never before had I had someone at my will. I honestly was quite bewildered and not sure of what to do.

It seemed I had chosen well. The cane ran along her body, over breasts and down to her thighs. I tapped lightly, my other hand spread across her chest, holding her against my chest. I whispered to her, kissing and playing. I spun from being behind her to the front, alternating several times. She needed to tell me to go harder; I was being careful not to go too far too quickly for either of us. So harder I went with the cane on her inner thighs. Her cries and moans were music to my ears, so erotic and mesmerising. I teased her nipples under the fabric of her top. She taunted me slightly, wondering if I could figure out how to allow them loose. I came around to her front then, glimpsing along her body. I had already spied how the outfit was put together...how could my eyes not stray to every part of her, looking so enticing? I easily found that the top was connected to her panties like stockings to a garter belt. With an evil smile she couldn't see I told her, "But I'm a girl too," just as the first clip popped free. She giggled and I raised her top above her breasts, now nothing in the way of me playing.

I nibbled, tapped, licked, pinched. I could feel her energy building all the while. After a few taps of the cane near her nipple she was right on the edge. Snaking one hand into her hair, trying for a nice firm grip, I pulled her head back and nibbled on her neck as my other hand rubbed through her panties between her spread legs. She came to a luscious climax as I pressed my body into hers, experiencing a kind of climax of my own as she was lost to her desire and lust.

I removed the blindfold and quickly untied her. I don't really remember what happened then. I assume her Master must have taken her, as I remember putting my things away but nothing else of her being with me at that time.

But that was my first Topping experience. I can see so many things I did "wrong" but she enjoyed and I enjoyed so it must have been pretty successful. I got several compliments on what a hot scene it was. I think that mostly has to do with the sexual energy Verva and I create when we're together and less about how or what I did. I imagine I will enjoy being switchy on occasion though and hope to get better at it. :)

Lots more was to happen at the party that night, but it will have to wait for another post...or maybe two.

Cheer Up, Emo Kid!

My horoscope for today, from the NZ Herald :

The full Moon in Libra reminds you what a beautiful adventure you are
on. It is full of riches. The miracle of being alive dawns on you again
- in a flash of humility and simplicity. Fire up your heart - and get
on with life and love.

Normally I don't put much thought into horoscopes; they're fun to think about and nothing to take seriously. If anything, they simply make you stop for a moment and think about things a little differently. That's what it did for me today.

I've been so bogged down by negativity lately. The weeks go by in a blur of boredom, monotony, and repetition. My weekends are glorious - filled with friends, relaxation, and when I'm lucky, awesome sex *grin* So when the work week comes back to me it hits hard, reminding me that my life is not in the place I want it to be.

I've been working on getting it going somewhere. Looking for a new job, attending workshops at a very reputable recruitment agency to get dearly needed advice on job searching and realistically what I need to expect and do, since I have so little real life experience. I have been trying to put my foot in the waters of helping in the local scene, and am seriously considering some other personal endeavours (damn you, music theory!). My life is not with out drive or focus; I'm just in a holding pattern right now as Kapelle says.

It's not an easy place to be.

And regarding love? Ha...that's laughable. I've ended up deeply in love with a man who is not genuinely available, loving another man who is not ready to be in a relationship (as I'm not, to be realistic), and having my submissive side stuffed away waiting and aching to come out again. Sure - play and sex is fun. But in the long term I really do need more.

It's also not easy seeing so many of my friends happy in their relationships or embarking on their learning. I've been in those places and miss them. I feel the jealousy rear up and know it is irrational. After a few moments it usually softens into envy. Wanting what they have but not wanting them to lose it simply because I don't have it myself.

Along with a timely horoscope, TQ sent me a link to this song this morning as well, which was waiting in my inbox when I got to work this morning:

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

This is a very special song to me; it came out around the time that my friends in the chat room had helped me along to really figure myself out. (I also made it a very special thank you gift to TQ after BondCon.) And it's very helpful to be reminded of that today. No matter what the situation, no matter what the hardships or the missing pieces, I am still the beautiful person they all knew and the beautiful person my friends see today. I've grown and changed but the essence of me is still the same.

So cheer up, emo kid. *smirks*

This is a Test of the...

...Emergency Blogger System...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I might be a bit quiet for a while folks.

I've been trying to write these past few days and it's just not coming through.

I'm stressed, confused, lost and hurting. Life is going rather well, but a few consistent problems are slowly picking at me and breaking down my foundation.

Hopefully regular programming will resume shortly.

Your Turn To Answer

I have a question for you, my dear readers (how ever few there are!) Please reply, even if it's just anonymously.

~~~~~~~


What is the most intimate thing you feel two people (or more) can do together?


~~~~~~~

Me?

For some reason, it's something most people take for granted until they lose it.

Sleeping in the same bed together, all night long. Waking up next to someone you love, turning over and cuddling them as you snooze. Not quite conscious touches, evocative of the deep tenderness and fervor for each other.

It took me sometime to be able to sleep restfully all alone in a bed after being in a relationship for almost 5 years. Tonight, I will have a chance to sleep the night through with someone who means a lot to me. I hope it will be as I desire, and not simply fitful and uncomfortable. And above all else, I hope I don't end up sleeping on the couch, no matter how comfortable it might be!

Preparation

In the middle of this week I realised that the fetish party being hosted at Club Sparty's is next Friday!! I had barely done any preparation for the party before today. Dressing up is required and I don't have a lot of fetish wear. Most of the time I put together an outfit for specific events.

Most of my day was running around getting fabric, making a pattern, obtaining a sewing machine from a relative, getting really frustrated with said sewing and having to alter the pattern since I fucked it up. Note to self: DON'T SEW ANYMORE!!!!

I also had to play around with some rope so I know what the hell I'm doing.

Overall, I think I will look good. As good as I imagined, probably not. But I doubt I will hear any complaints on the night..heh.

Passion

His hand lightly trails along my skin. Fingertips barely even touching; the fine hairs raise up to meet his deft fingers. Up my arm, past the elbow, tracing the elegant curve of my shoulder. To my collarbone his light touch reaches, my neck instinctively tilting to the side to allow him access.

He lays his palm there, soft and featherlight. His thumb strokes my cheek ever so gently and I raise my eyes to meet his.

Such love, such adoration. I can see his feelings as he keeps my gaze. This is not pure lust. This is something more. Although I do see the slight green tint in the edges of his iris; we are not devoid of lust in this intimate moment.

Limbs entangled, bodies entwined. The scent of him encompasses me and I writhe slightly against him. I am totally lost in him.

He slides his hand swiftly down my back, raising a shiver. My body is at his whim. In no way am I bound physically. It is simply his presence and desire that controls every passing moment and every inch of my skin.

Into my ear he whispers, his breath hot. I do as he bids and turn to face away from him. He pulls me close, weaving one arm under my neck, his hand resting on my breast. His other hand glides over my thigh, up my hip and along my tummy to grasp my other breast with arms crossed over my chest. Still, gentle, loving, an electric touch that ignites my skin.

He inches his hips closer into mine. I can feel the firm presence of his masculinity between my cheeks as he presses against me. Skin against skin, a warmth unable to be recreated. A connection that is undeniable.

I feel the slight scratchiness of his stubble as he lays his head on my cheek. We can't seem to find enough ways to be in contact. Here in this moment, bodies pressed together, we simply can not be close enough. I run my foot along his calf, gently lifting to interlace our legs together.

Our breathing finds a unison. My hands rest against his, stroking fingers. I lift one of his hands to my mouth, laying a kiss on each fingertip. A current of energy is charging between us, our bodies slowly and slightly stirring with the potency of our desire for each other. Hips rocking almost imperceptibly.

His hardness is unyielding and a hand makes an adjustment, the thickness of him slipping between my legs. Our hips still rocking, only slightly more now, the movement slowly parting my lips to reveal a glistening wetness. We both gasp, our breath becoming short and staggered.

The undulation of our hips slowly slides us to our ultimate connection, the one last way our bodies can join.

I lay a hand the smooth arch of his hip, fingers pressing gently into the supple flesh, the need rising. His breath is hot against me and I can feel the need in him as well. We mirror one another, need and desire and love climbing to an unreachable peak.

Finally our union becomes whole, his rigid shaft penetrating my folds, driving deep into my core. I cry out in this moment of our coupling and feel the groan come unwilling from his vocal cords.

Our bodies pause. We lie still in each other's arms for a span of moments, savouring this perfect harmony between us. Embracing, joining, connecting in all ways possible. Our desire, love, lust and hunger at last coming to fulfillment.

We pause to cherish this moment before the desire demands more, before our primal selves take us to a different kind of passion.

Rebellion

Despite being an unashamed slut, I'm pretty straight-laced. My sexual life is really the only way I stray from "the norm" of society. Yes, it's a huge value to be different on but it's my way.

In the past year I've become a rather responsible adult. Holding down a job, doing the moving thing, paying my bills and my debts, keeping commitments when I would rather be doing other things. I've not had to do things quite so consistently in the past. I was dependent on another person for a lot of it. Now I'm independent and doing it all myself.

It is hard. It is tiring. Draining. I honestly don't know how I can simply keep going. But I do.

Part of me hates doing it. A part of me wishes I didn't have to. The conscientious part of me knows I will continue to do as needed until the end of the world or I collapse from simple exhaustion. Whichever comes first. I'm sure some of my friends would expect Armageddon to come down upon our heads before I'd give up.

But it still leads to rebellion.

Rebellion is different than stress relief. Sex is a stress relief to me. Playing my trumpet and biking are too. I do not do nearly enough of any of them!

I want to boycot adulthood. I think my love of fairies does this in a preserved way. There will always be that light side to me.

But I want dark mutiny now. The stress is too much, has been for some time. I enjoy my weekends and when I get back to work it quickly and cleanly sucks the life out of me.

My piercing was a rebellion. It happened very spur of the moment, which is against my very nature. But I had planned on doing it for a long time, so was still safe. Today, the same parlour that did my piercing is having free tattoos and I have been tempted. It sounds as though the designs they're doing might go well with one of the tattoos that hasn't been seen on this blog. Though there is still a part of me that shakes its head at the very idea. If they were willing to do more work on my current art for free, sure. Something I haven't created or come up with myself? Not so sure. I probably won't simply for the fact I might regret it in future. The prudent part of me tends to win out.

The warring in the inside is boiling up though. I want to do something drastic. Extreme. Don't plan it, just do it. Completely out of my ways and against my nature.

But I'm sure I'm too cautious to allow that to really happen.