That Too Commonly Used 4 Letter Word...

Láska.
Meilė.
Upendo.
Dashuria.
Armastus.
Liefhebben.
Elska.
Liebe.

Amour.
Amore.
Amor.

We all probably recognise these last few, but all the above words translate roughly into the same complex concept we are all familiar with: Love.

What is love? Why do we love? How do we come to choose who we love, whether consciously or unconsciously? Why is love so complicated? Why do some of us love only one, yet others can love many?

The questions are endless and the answers just as confusing as love itself.

This weekend many, many people will be expressing their love for one another. Valentine's Day is a lover's holiday, commercial or no. Celebrate with all your heart, enjoy the time with those close to your heart, and don't forget that February 14th is not the only time you can do this. Love is present all year round. Just make Valentine's an extra special day of love.

I have no partner this Valentine's. I am not sad about this for there is still much love in my life. My friends and family, both here in NZ and overseas, remind me almost daily that there is no shortage of love.

But don't forget about one very special person this Valentines: yourself.

~~~~~

I will love myself just as much as I love others.

I will love myself as a whole, faults and all.

I will love myself body, mind and spirit, for without all of the parts I am not me.

I will love myself. Sweet, sassy, sexy me!

Kiana's Players

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players"

William Shakespeare
As you Like It:
Act II, Scene VII

We all have important people in our lives. The players on our own personal stage, the characters in our stories, the music makers of our song.

Here are a few of the people who contribute to my stage, my story, my song.


Amabile & Piacere:
A local couple who lie within the fringes of the local BDSM community. I met them in April 2009 at a local fetish night and they quickly allowed me into their life. They continue to be a source of support, love, happiness and security for me. And I simply hope that I am the same for them.

Dee:
I've known Dee since before she began sex blogging. I'm proud to say I was her introduction into the local BDSM scene. We've had our fair share of fun playtime together, but the best of friends is what our relationship has always been based on, and I count myself incredibly lucky to be part of her life.

Sereno:
Also known as Hylas on Dee's blog, an almost immediate friendship ensued between Sereno and I once I got "the tour" of his place. He is a rubber fetishist, along with a few other things, but a common love of rubber is what set us off to begin with. Since we met in late 2008, our friendship has grown and I appreciate my time with him and the new adventures he manages to convince me to try.

Verva:
Verva and I met in February, 2009 at a fetish night. At first sight there was a connection, and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other! We do a better job at it now, as we have settled into a great friendship. But there's always hope for more..

Eilen:
Eilen has become a great friend that was unexpectedly found through a personals site. She was looking for others to play with at the time on the urging of a partner of hers, yet we have never gone there together. I've watched her learn and grow and have shared in her life as much as time permits. I will always hope for more time with her, if her schedule ever settles down!

Tanto:
A married, one time paramour of mine. The desire, the love and affection we have for each other has not diminished, yet we try not to have a sexual relationship together. But we do still share more of ourselves with each other than we do with many other people, so he continues to be a large part of my everyday life.

Kapelle:
A previous dominant partner of mine. We had an unfortunate fallout and are rarely in touch these days.

Casual Friday

I'm sitting at work in my dress jeans and my ballet flats, enjoying the casual Friday. My work load is a little slow today and my mind wanders. Where to? It's Casual Friday, but I'm thinking about casual sex.

At one time, I was enjoying casual sex quite a bit. Casual play as well. It felt liberating; I was freely able to take pleasure in as many ways as I desired. I was always as careful as I could be while doing so but still getting my kicks out of it. Only see a guy once? No biggie. In fact, the first night I met Verva we played casually and yet a friendship has grown from that night and we see each other regularly, just without the casual sex part. (Will it stay that way? Who knows.)

But in the past 6 months or so, I've stopped that pretty much in full. For one - I'm not able to predict how BDSM play will effect me at this point. And I'm not really willing to get into anything when I don't know how I will react. It's not fair on the other person if I decide not long into an encounter that I no longer want to continue. Or worse, I will not want to continue but feel unable to bring myself to stop and simply go along. (It has happened in the past and I've no one to blame but myself.) To me though, it's more important that I do not know how a casual rendezvous would effect me emotionally. At one time, as I said, it made me feel good. Now, I don't think that would be the case. I believe it would leave me with a bad taste in my mouth, and that's not fun either literally or figuratively.

Regular, plain ole casual sex? At this point it doesn't do anything for me anymore. It's detached, emotionless. And I can certainly get myself off better than some stranger who doesn't know anything about me. It's always a game of chance as well - it may be a great time with an awesome person or a lackluster performance that may not even have been worth the time. I just feel my energy would be better spent elsewhere.

I'll still have fun with my friends if the opportunity arises and I'm in the right mood and mind frame. Even that recently has not been quite right. I think it's safe for me to say right now that I'm simply uninterested. Sure, I hold some lust for a couple people and I'll see how it pans out. But the love in my life from my close friends is more valuable and meaningful now. The physical isn't as vital.

Red Black HNT

Had you been there tonight
You might know how it feels
To be struck to the bone
In a moment of breathless delight!
Had you been there tonight
You might also have known
How the world may be changed
In just one burst of light!
And what was right seems wrong
And what was wrong seems right!

Red...

I feel my soul on fire!

Black...

My world if she's not there!

Red...

The color of desire!

Black...

The color of despair!

The Spark

For those waiting with bated breath (coughs) my date went alright. He is a very nice guy, level headed, intelligent. We have a lot in common. But what is missing is a spark, a connection. A close friend got it right on the money when he said “forced.” Yes – it felt forced being around this guy.

I know what that connection feels like now. It happened with Tanto, it happened with Amabile and Piacere, it even happens with people who I am just friends with like Verva and Eilen. (Man, I really need a page explaining who these people are, huh?)

When I have a connection with someone, I almost immediately want to spend more time with them. I want them in my life in any way I can have them. I actively communicate, even if it’s just a few texts in the week or an email. And usually, these people become my inner circle, the people I care for the most, trust the most, depend on the most. (Also, the people who take all those pretty pretty pictures of me for HNTs. :-P)

So the question then comes to me; do I wait for someone who gives me that immediate connection or do I try to find something that works without it? Really? I think that answer is easy.