Kinky Kiana

That Too Commonly Used 4 Letter Word...

2010-02-11T17:25:00.007+13:00

Láska.
Meilė.
Upendo.
Dashuria.
Armastus.
Liefhebben.
Elska.
Liebe.

Amour.
Amore.
Amor.

We all probably recognise these last few, but all the above words translate roughly into the same complex concept we are all familiar with: Love.

What is love? Why do we love? How do we come to choose who we love, whether consciously or unconsciously? Why is love so complicated? Why do some of us love only one, yet others can love many?

The questions are endless and the answers just as confusing as love itself.

This weekend many, many people will be expressing their love for one another. Valentine's Day is a lover's holiday, commercial or no. Celebrate with all your heart, enjoy the time with those close to your heart, and don't forget that February 14th is not the only time you can do this. Love is present all year round. Just make Valentine's an extra special day of love.

I have no partner this Valentine's. I am not sad about this for there is still much love in my life. My friends and family, both here in NZ and overseas, remind me almost daily that there is no shortage of love.

But don't forget about one very special person this Valentines: yourself.

~~~~~

I will love myself just as much as I love others.

I will love myself as a whole, faults and all.

I will love myself body, mind and spirit, for without all of the parts I am not me.

I will love myself. Sweet, sassy, sexy me!

Kiana's Players

2010-02-09T20:37:00.006+13:00

"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players"

William Shakespeare
As you Like It:
Act II, Scene VII

We all have important people in our lives. The players on our own personal stage, the characters in our stories, the music makers of our song.

Here are a few of the people who contribute to my stage, my story, my song.

Amabile & Piacere:
A local couple who lie within the fringes of the local BDSM community. I met them in April 2009 at a local fetish night and they quickly allowed me into their life. They continue to be a source of support, love, happiness and security for me. And I simply hope that I am the same for them.

Dee:
I've known Dee since before she began sex blogging. I'm proud to say I was her introduction into the local BDSM scene. We've had our fair share of fun playtime together, but the best of friends is what our relationship has always been based on, and I count myself incredibly lucky to be part of her life.

Sereno:
Also known as Hylas on Dee's blog, an almost immediate friendship ensued between Sereno and I once I got "the tour" of his place. He is a rubber fetishist, along with a few other things, but a common love of rubber is what set us off to begin with. Since we met in late 2008, our friendship has grown and I appreciate my time with him and the new adventures he manages to convince me to try.

Verva:
Verva and I met in February, 2009 at a fetish night. At first sight there was a connection, and we couldn't keep our hands off of each other! We do a better job at it now, as we have settled into a great friendship. But there's always hope for more..

Eilen:
Eilen has become a great friend that was unexpectedly found through a personals site. She was looking for others to play with at the time on the urging of a partner of hers, yet we have never gone there together. I've watched her learn and grow and have shared in her life as much as time permits. I will always hope for more time with her, if her schedule ever settles down!

Tanto:
A married, one time paramour of mine. The desire, the love and affection we have for each other has not diminished, yet we try not to have a sexual relationship together. But we do still share more of ourselves with each other than we do with many other people, so he continues to be a large part of my everyday life.

Kapelle:
A previous dominant partner of mine. We had an unfortunate fallout and are rarely in touch these days.

Casual Friday

2010-02-05T12:21:00.001+13:00

I'm sitting at work in my dress jeans and my ballet flats, enjoying the casual Friday. My work load is a little slow today and my mind wanders. Where to? It's Casual Friday, but I'm thinking about casual sex.

At one time, I was enjoying casual sex quite a bit. Casual play as well. It felt liberating; I was freely able to take pleasure in as many ways as I desired. I was always as careful as I could be while doing so but still getting my kicks out of it. Only see a guy once? No biggie. In fact, the first night I met Verva we played casually and yet a friendship has grown from that night and we see each other regularly, just without the casual sex part. (Will it stay that way? Who knows.)

But in the past 6 months or so, I've stopped that pretty much in full. For one - I'm not able to predict how BDSM play will effect me at this point. And I'm not really willing to get into anything when I don't know how I will react. It's not fair on the other person if I decide not long into an encounter that I no longer want to continue. Or worse, I will not want to continue but feel unable to bring myself to stop and simply go along. (It has happened in the past and I've no one to blame but myself.) To me though, it's more important that I do not know how a casual rendezvous would effect me emotionally. At one time, as I said, it made me feel good. Now, I don't think that would be the case. I believe it would leave me with a bad taste in my mouth, and that's not fun either literally or figuratively.

Regular, plain ole casual sex? At this point it doesn't do anything for me anymore. It's detached, emotionless. And I can certainly get myself off better than some stranger who doesn't know anything about me. It's always a game of chance as well - it may be a great time with an awesome person or a lackluster performance that may not even have been worth the time. I just feel my energy would be better spent elsewhere.

I'll still have fun with my friends if the opportunity arises and I'm in the right mood and mind frame. Even that recently has not been quite right. I think it's safe for me to say right now that I'm simply uninterested. Sure, I hold some lust for a couple people and I'll see how it pans out. But the love in my life from my close friends is more valuable and meaningful now. The physical isn't as vital.

Red Black HNT

2010-02-04T21:18:00.003+13:00

Had you been there tonight
You might know how it feels
To be struck to the bone
In a moment of breathless delight!
Had you been there tonight
You might also have known
How the world may be changed
In just one burst of light!
And what was right seems wrong
And what was wrong seems right!

Red...

I feel my soul on fire!

Black...

My world if she's not there!

Red...

The color of desire!

Black...

The color of despair!

The Spark

2010-02-01T20:03:00.006+13:00

For those waiting with bated breath (coughs) my date went alright. He is a very nice guy, level headed, intelligent. We have a lot in common. But what is missing is a spark, a connection. A close friend got it right on the money when he said “forced.” Yes – it felt forced being around this guy.

I know what that connection feels like now. It happened with Tanto, it happened with Amabile and Piacere, it even happens with people who I am just friends with like Verva and Eilen. (Man, I really need a page explaining who these people are, huh?)

When I have a connection with someone, I almost immediately want to spend more time with them. I want them in my life in any way I can have them. I actively communicate, even if it’s just a few texts in the week or an email. And usually, these people become my inner circle, the people I care for the most, trust the most, depend on the most. (Also, the people who take all those pretty pretty pictures of me for HNTs. :-P)

So the question then comes to me; do I wait for someone who gives me that immediate connection or do I try to find something that works without it? Really? I think that answer is easy.

Uncharted Territory

2010-01-26T14:58:00.001+13:00

This Thursday, I shall be embarking upon a new adventure. Going to places unknown to me. Navigating through the dirty, dark street that is....

DATING.

(Insert gasps, shocks and ooooohs here.)

Yup. I have a date. I have never been on a proper date. You know, the whole I-like-him, wanna know more about him, spend time with him energy is going on. Flutterbys in the tummy, for sure.

We had a typical first coffee date before my trip to the States (oops...I had a three week holiday with my family! There, now you know.) and we hit it off really well. Even after I politely declined his offer to play, we talked for a further 2ish hours and he walked me home. (We live within walking distance of each other.) He was sad to find out I was going away so soon, and has been slowly chasing me ever since.

Chasing me. Well...ok. He sent me a couple messages on Facebook while I was on holiday, and sent me a text not very long after I got back from holiday. But it made me feel a bit special, that he'd take the time to catch up with me like that. My whole first week back I was busy already though, catching up with other friends and my "New Zealand" family. He texted me a few more times that week, just catching up. And I did the same - gotta try to reciprocate. And by Friday night I knew, as my schedule tends to do, I wouldn't get to see him if I didn't make the time, write it down in my calendar and commit to it.

So on Friday night I started texting him. Asked him if he was busy for Saturday night. He was, a family affair. Alright then - what about next week? After Tuesday he says, and allows me to choose the night. Thursday it is.

Um...so what do I do on a date? I'm pretty sure he would have texted me today, but alas! I left my cell phone at home this morning. (D'oh!) I don't even know what we're doing.

It's funny. A few months ago I was lamenting the lack of guys my age into what I'm into. And what happens? Here pops up a cute Dom guy that, so far, seems to fit quite well. I just hope I don't fuck up the whole "dating" thing...

Look! A Quiz!

2010-01-19T19:28:00.005+13:00

Quite some time ago, Curvaceous Dee posted about a quiz she took on BDSM inclinations.

I've been on holiday as well on a hiatus from most stuff sex-related, but the quiz really got me thinking. Here are my own results:

Exhibitionist / Voyeur 100%
Submissive 89%
Experimental 89%
Masochist 86%
Degradation Lover 86%
Bondage 79%
Switch 46%
Sadist 39%
Vanilla 18%
Dominant 4%

At first I was surprised. But after a few moments it made sense. And to most of the people I've talked about this with, they seem to think it's on track as well. I enjoy watching other people play, full stop. I love seeing what people wear, how they do things, the unique bits that make them them. I am most certainly a people watcher. But I also enjoy showing off. Almost every munch will see me in short skirts and lots of cleavage. I enjoy being shown attention and dress up as often as I can (in real life and at BDSM functions!). And I have thoroughly enjoyed every single group sex situation I've been in. So I guess that fits.

Submissive - well duh that one fits at the top! *smirks*

I don't really agree with "experimental" being on the list at all. This would go back to the questions about being open sexually, sharing your desires with your partner, etc. That is simply how I wish the world would work as normal. No one should be ashamed of their sexuality (unless it gets them off, I suppose) and being open with your partner is the best way to keep the relationship alive in every way. But hey, it's just a quiz.

I find it interesting that there is a drop off after "bondage". The drop is drastic - 33 percentile points between bondage and switch. But again, it seems pretty accurate.

And being vanilla over being dominant? Hell yes! I would rather be vanilla than have to be dominant in my relationships.

Pretty good for a quiz, methinks. And yay for it getting me to post again.

2009-12-08T19:11:00.001+13:00

Yup, so I've pretty much disappeared. I don't think that will change any soon.

But I seriously wanted more chances to win my choices of prizes on Fetlife with their Sit on Santa's Lap giveaway.

Shameless plugging, from a girl who wants more toys!

Wax HNT

2009-10-15T20:32:00.004+13:00

The candles have been burning. A single flame on each, warming and melting wax destined for my skin.

Drip, drip it heats my skin, a strong sting before the wax begins to cool. It rolls down my breasts in little rivulets, dripping down onto my thighs.

The delicious drops cover my skin, a thin coat of wax trapping the heat against my now pink and tender skin.

Oh, I love wax play.

Trusting to Dance

2009-10-12T12:18:00.001+13:00

Trust is a delicate dance. As the tempo is set in and bodies entwine, sprialling and swooping across the floor, the danger of someone missing a beat or catching the wrong hand grows.

As relationships develop, as more time is spent together and feelings develop, our innermost selves being shared when normally shielded, the chance to misstep and become hurt rises.

I've taken the tumble to broken trust several times. So does everyone in a lifetime of relationships, be they romantic, familial or friendly. I almost always trust too much too quickly and get burned. But most times I recognise my fault in the breaking of trust and persevere with the person or people, for at least one other chance. Because I know trusting so fast has its pitfalls and they lay within me.

What on earth am I rambling on about?

Amabile and Piacere have been a constant support in my life over the past few months. Early on, my own faults led to some ... interesting times. While I'm ok with what happened, at least now, the initial trust remains harder to build back up. Slowly, each and every time I see them, I want to give more of myself. They have certainly given a lot to me, sharing things that clearly aren't for many ears and inviting me into their home time and again.

Yet I am so fearful. Simply where my life is at the moment leads me to be over cautious. There is no reason for me to fear these two though; their family has accepted me and opened to me. (Hell, even the 16 year old son was impressed by my computer geeky abilities this weekend...lol)

All I need to do is ask. Ask for what? I have a few specifics in my mind but generally, I'm not sure.

I want to pick back up and continue the dance with Amabile and Piacere. I just have to figure out how.

Sunset HNT

2009-10-08T08:18:00.005+13:00

It was the cooling hour, just when the rounded
Red sun sinks down behind the azure hill,
Which then seems as if the whole earth is bounded,
Circling all nature, hush'd, and dim, and still,
With the far mountain-crescent half surrounded
On one side, and the deep sea calm and chill
Upon the other, and the rosy sky
With one star sparkling through it like an eye.
~Lord Byron

Many thanks to Dee for taking pictures for me.

Home Grown

2009-10-07T16:13:00.001+13:00

I usually listen to the radio on the way to and from work. (Blame it on losing my iPod cable.) When I hear a song I like, I normally take note of the title and musician, as it displays on my cell phone. Yesterday I heard "Bury Me" by Nathan King on ZM.

I'll be damned if I can find it anywhere on the net. Not even lyrics. The only place I've found it is on his webpage (which obviously won't give me a video, mp3, etc) and in the backpages of ZM's "now playing" list, telling me to buy it on iTunes. Apparently the song is really recent, as in last month.

This is the only trouble with home grown music I've found. (I love that phrase. "Home Grown" It sums up New Zealand perfectly in my eyes.) I just want to share an awesome song I love and can't find it anywhere. Same thing happened to me last year with "My Delirium" by LadyHawke when it came out.

But it always is a pleasant surprise to find out the awesome song I heard is by a NZ artist. I just have to wait to share the tunes.

Hot Water and Honey

2009-10-06T12:37:00.001+13:00

The past few weeks have been a roller coaster ride, hence my disappearance. Moving on short notice, emotional upheavals, coping with various and ranged issues. Life, basically.

One topic that comes back to my mind over and over again the past month or so is being single.

Some people I know are so okay with being single that I envy them. It's a place they are comfortable and are willing to wait for something that's right. I can't seem to find that comfortable place.

Right now it's a consistent empty feeling, like something is terribly missing. I see friends, families, couples, partners all loving one another and enjoying being together. And I ache inside. I ache for that feeling of closeness, of intimacy.

Humans are not meant to be solitary creatures. I am not meant to be one. While I can be relatively happy (and have been) without a partner life isn't quite right without one (or two, or three...). But that is no reason to rush into a relationship with just anyone. It's simply so hard falling asleep every night by myself. I miss having someone to go to when I'm down, someone to share everything with when I'm bouncy and babbling.

Yet I know I'm not in a place to be meeting new people in the hopes of having a relationship. I don't even know how to do that. Never really have done it before. And add into that my specific interests, it becomes even harder to find someone. I'm not entirely certain if I want a 24/7 D/s relationship anymore, but it's certainly something I want to explore. I also know that bdsm is something I do not want to live without. I'll not even pretend to know if I need it; I simply know it is something that I want consistently in my life. Does NZ have what I'm looking for at all? I honestly don't know and it makes me wonder about where my life is leading.

"But what about Tanto?" I know some people are thinking. He is and always will be, complicated. We rarely see each other now, living on opposite sides of Auckland. We stay in touch most days but I have lost something for him. I've accepted that his life does not openly include me, and cannot unless he leaves his wife. Which, I have also accepted, will not happen soon if it happens at all. Some days I miss him with a fervor that makes my heart feel raw. Other days it settles to a dull ache. And others still there is nothing left but fondness for what we have shared and a hope I can find it again. If only those days numbered higher.

While I ponder and pine, I sound like some sultry phone sex worker as I regain my voice. Somehow managed to lose it completely by Sunday morning but am now croaking my way through work. Time for more hot water and honey...

Playing Dress Up HNT

2009-09-17T19:37:00.003+12:00

I love playing dress up. Every chance I get I'll have fun and play with my looks for the day. It's even more fun when friends are about the same size as you, and you get to swap clothes! (Thanks to Oonai for fun dress ups!)

I am really looking forward to Auckland's Fetish Ball in November. It'll be time for a major dress up then! I've been planning for a while now, and I hope I'll pull off an awesome outfit.

NOT Impressed!

2009-09-17T12:21:00.001+12:00

I have profiles up on some dating sites. Sometimes I make a really good friend through them. (Hi Eilen! *waves*) Rarely do I end up playing with someone from the dating sites. But still, I attempt to be friendly and approachable and keep an open mind.

Lately I've been getting quite a bit more mail than usual. Maybe spring is making people more horny? Send some my way then Mother Nature! Heh.

But the amount of asshats sending me email seems to have risen drastically as well. I'm used to most of it, but one idea has been quite prevalent that really, really irks me.

"So, just how sub are you?"

ARGH!

I have received so many of these or similar, one unsuspecting guy got a mouthful from me. He asked me if I was really a sub or just like to play dirty, and why should he bother to take the time to talk to me.

This is a form of control. It is manipulation and not subtle either. By saying these things, you are putting the person you are speaking to on a lower level then you. They are not good enough for you unless they can prove it. Which is the worst way to start off a mutually fulfilling relationship, even if it is only for play.

Now, if my profile said something to the effect that I wanted to be treated like dirt, sure. But on most of my profiles it simply says I'm a submissive looking for people with a dominant personality who have experience with BDSM. So such messages are not called for.

My reply:

"More like it's you who has to prove to me that you're worth it. I get a dozen emails a day. And I don't appreciate men who think they can control me before they even know me."

That was only last night, so I don't know if he's replied back or not.

Anyway. Here are some dating site tips for BDSMers from me:

No one liners! Engaging the person's intellectual side can go a long way in trying to get them to actually, you know, reply!
Have a decent profile up. If your profile says nothing about BDSM and you haven't mentioned it in your message? I, for one, won't even bother.
Don't immediately try to take your 'role' in the message. This is for both sides. Showing your dominance or submission to someone on a first message will generally get you nowhere, unless the person you are messaging is a wanker.
Don't call names. Messaging a cute sub? Don't call her or him slut, worm, girl, boy, etc. And don't refer to yourself as Sir, Master, Mistress, or any form thereof. This refers back to the previous point. You are immediately trying to assume a dominant posture by belittling them in some way. Those names may very well be cherished pet names in a relationship, but on first contact it's simply asshole territory. And don't call someone Master or Mistress at first either! Many people have heavy connotations associated with those words and using it like it's common usage? Not very impressive.
Be specific about what kinks you like. I've recently been speaking with someone who cannot give me any idea what he wants to do. "What activities do you think you like?" And all the response I get is, "I'm not sure. Just wanna see what I'm capable of I suppose." If you can't show that you might have some compatible interests, it will very likely get nowhere fast.
Don't list your accomplishments/experience. This is exactly the opposite of the previous. Showing off all the experience you have is not very flattering. Keep your history simple unless you get asked specific questions. A shopping list of people you've played with, clubs you've played at, organisations you belong to, etc etc don't say anything about who YOU are, except that you have your head firmly lodged up your own ass.
DNT BE A LSR AND TLK LKE THS. So. Totally. Ignoring. You.

Have I missed something you think should be there? Comment!

(I will attempt to put up an HNT tonight when I get home from work. Forgot to pick a picture last night.)

Pimpin' It!

2009-09-15T12:06:00.005+12:00

There has been some exciting things happening in Auckland lately. I count myself both lucky and honoured to have been involved in such a change in the bdsm and fetish scene here in Auckland.

A few days ago it was officially announced:

northernBonds!

northernBONDS is a small group dedicated to specifically fostering BDSM and more generally, Risk Aware Consensual Kink in the Auckland Region.

Established in June 2009, the group comprises twelve members who share a common interest in the BDSM Fetish scene in New Zealand . The members, many of whom are well known in the scene, have varied histories ranging from novice to experienced and are united in their passion for all things to do with BDSM. The group works on a not for profit basis with proceeds being used to support a programme of play events, education and information workshops.

Our vision is to create and maintain a flourishing BDSM community in Auckland which is recognised positively within the BDSM & the Fetish communities worldwide.

The aims of northernBonds are to:

Encourage awareness and interest in BDSM in New Zealand
Provide regular opportunities to meet and play in a safe environment;
Make friendships with like minded people and foster BDSM in New Zealand
Provide a forum for the sharing of information, resources and ideas
Provide opportunities for skills training;
Encourage awareness and interest in BDSM in New Zealand

For three months this talented group of people have been working their butts off to get it all off the ground. Just as with any group of individuals with passion there have been disagreements, misscommunications, and difference of opinions. But every single individual has been able to, on occasion, put their own vision and opinion aside in order for the shared vision to become reality. That, I think, is the biggest hurdle of any when trying to form a group like this.

And now? We have our website, we have made announcements. And we are gearing up to our first event! "The Clink: a Dungeon Themed Play Party" What makes this different? It is a public play party! We are advertising on Fetlife, on many NZ groups, and will be promoting at our munches, the upcoming Erotica Expo, and many more.

A lot of people have been lucky enough to make the right friends in the past years and receive invitations to private events held mostly at private homes. It's only through the grapevine in the past 5 years or so in Auckland that you'd get to have access to equipment that is not your own and the chance to mingle with others of like mind in a play environment. (And how many of us have the income and skills to make dungeon furniture? Not many, and NZ doesn't have shops you can buy this sort of gear from like other, larger countries.) So there have been many, many more people than not who haven't had access to this kind of event before. We hope to change this and give the people of Auckland something that has been sorely missing for many years.

Most people in large cities around the world take for granted their public fetish and bdsm venues and events. It's a norm of their life. It's all right at their fingertips. And now, hopefully Auckland will be able to play catch up.

NorthernBonds has more than just this one event on the cards. There are more plans afoot and minions on the march. And the support we have already seen has been awesome. We have all the tools, we have the passion, we have the drive. Every single one of us is geared up and ready to go. So bring on The Clink!

Shopping HNT

2009-09-10T11:00:00.001+12:00

It's not very often that I get to go out shopping. This past weekend, I was able to do so with some folks visiting from Christchurch. We hit the outlet shops. And while I don't have a lot of spare cash, I did indulge myself a little. I justified my purchase with the fact that I needed a new one anyway! And said justification was sanctioned by the male in the group, so it all sounds good to me!

Round, robust flesh
I can feel your fingers tracing
over the pretty paisley patterns.
Teasing, tempting, tormenting
in your gentleness.
My bosom rises and falls
faster and faster,
your expert touch guiding me.

Higher and higher your dexterous fingers climb.
Soft skin yielding beneath.
Your body slithers above me
Hands at my neck
Lips only inches from mine.
Please, let me have what I crave.
Please...

2009-09-05T12:14:00.000+12:00

A mundane day at work, transformed for just a few moments.

My workmate walks out of the office, on the way to a job. How many times he has done this I wouldn't be able to count. But today, I notice his leather jacket.

I'm transported back to memories, thoughts and images of the leather I have loved in my life....

~~~~~~~~

My first pair of leather cuffs, given to me by a dear friend. Padded, encircling my wrists night after night to ease me to sleep. Worn soft from use.

A belt ripping loose of belt loops, the *smack* sound it makes as he doubles it over, preparing to stripe my ass.

My ex husband's old combat boots, lovingly restored and shined like new for an overseas party. The smell of the polish, the texture of the old rag.

My face intimately close to those boots, my nostrils invaded by the smell of leather, as I kiss them in subjugation. The smoothness on my soft lips.

Wearing the old leather jacket, surrounding my skin and all of my senses.

The collar, warn and tattered, encircling my neck for another play time.

~~~~~~~~

All these and more flash through my mind in mere moments. A welcome distraction from the tedium of the work day. And a longing settles deep inside, a want for the smell of leather to envelope me, the feel against my skin, soft yet strong under my fingers.Desire that will have to wait...

Sharp Star HNT

2009-09-03T11:26:00.003+12:00

The sharp point pierces my skin.
Feel it dragging through, slicing its path.
With a pop it re-emerges from beneath a thin layer of pale skin.

Over and over again.
The metal punctures my flesh.

Each time a needle enters or exits my head swims just a little more.

The design complete, Piacere plays.
Pressing on my tender, reddened skin.
I writhe in pain and pleasure.
Feel the rush of sensation, endorphins, adrenaline.

The orgasm overcomes me
My whole body alive and straining to burst forth,
The pleasure too much for mortal flesh.

Piacere stops the torment, only to begin removing the delicate points.

And again my skin calls out
just moments before invaded, now withdrawing.

Quiet, calm, sated.
My own blood seems foreign, but soon enough is cleaned up.
I'll sleep well tonight...

Changes and Longing

2009-08-28T10:27:00.001+12:00

And a nameless longing filled her breast,
A wish, that she hardly dared to own,
For something better than she had known.

~ John Greenleaf Whittier

I have not spoken much of Tanto lately. This is for several reasons. One is that he's a very private person and it felt a little like sharing his secrets to be writing about him. Another is because I know many of my friends do not like what I've been doing and I have not wanted to rub it in their faces. So I've done something that isn't very common for me, and not very easy. Kept quiet about something so important to me and my life.

He has become a major pillar in my life. We talk constantly and would see each other as often as possible. This week, that changed. Tuesday night I had to tell him I couldn't see him anymore. I was not cutting him off completely; I don't think I'd be able to handle that. But I simply could no longer handle seeing him physically. The constant anxiety about when we'd next meet, the worry about his partner finding out. The disappointment of expecting to see him then it not happening. All just finally too much for me to cope with.

Obviously, Tanto didn't take it well. I know it must have hurt him so much. Which only makes me want to see him, to try to make him feel better. Pathetic, huh?

We seem to be back to our normal chatter after a couple of rough days. We had an agonising glimpse of each other yesterday; my bus passing him waiting at the bus station. Normally, he would have hopped onto my bus and I would have driven him home. But not after what I did on Tuesday. I couldn't stop smiling as I saw him but then had to force myself not to cry as the bus pulled away, knowing I'm the one who's caused such heartache.

It's a double edged sword. I feel more calm from not having all the anxiety that seeing him brings up. My mind has settled a bit in the past couple of days. But I'm also longing to see him, to touch him, to be held by him. I miss even the possibility of being in his presence. My heart yearns for him, because when he is near things somehow seem just a little bit better. Life is a little bit brighter and the world doesn't seem so big and scary.

But I just have to deal with things as they are now. After all, I'm the one who initiated this change. It's hard for him and for me. I'm more confident now than I was a few days ago that we can still maintain our connection even with the change. But that doesn't make it any easier.

Pretty Baby

2009-08-26T11:07:00.004+12:00

Pretty Baby – Vanessa Carlton Music Code

You light me up and then I fall for you
You lay me down and then I call for you
Stumbling on reasons that are far and few
I’d let it all come down and then some for you

Pretty baby don’t you leave me
I have been saving smiles for you
Pretty baby why can’t you see
You’re the one that I belong to

I’ll be the embrace that keeps you warm
For you’re the sun that breaks the storm
I’ll be alright and I’ll sleep sound
As long as you keep comin’ around, oh pretty baby

And I know things can’t last forever
But there are lessons that you’ll never learn
Oh just the scent of you it makes me hurt
So how’s it you that makes me better

Why can’t you hold me and never let go
When you touch me it is me that you own
Pretty baby oh the place that you hold in my heart
Would you break it apart again… oh pretty baby

Pretty baby don’t you leave me
I have been saving smiles for you
Pretty baby why can’t you see
You’re the one that I belong to...

~Pretty Baby, Vanessa Carlton

The Carpark

2009-08-25T11:42:00.001+12:00

The concert finished some time ago, but we've been dawdling around the entrance to the venue chatting with friends. Most of the concert goers are long gone, the courtyard almost deserted. Our friends finally say goodbye and head off to their car, and we go the other way in search of our own.

The night is clear and chilly, my bare legs finally warming up with the brisk walk that takes us to the carpark building a few blocks away. His hand has been at the small of my back, my arm around his middle underneath his leather jacket. As we approach the elevator he pulls away, grabbing my arm and steering me instead toward the stairwell. "But we're parked on the 6th floor!" I protest; he mumbles that the exercise will just help to warm me up.

His hand once again finds the small of my back, this time pressing me forward to mount the stairs before him. Slightly puzzled, I follow his lead and begin ascending, a bit wobbly on my high heels after having them on all night. Then I find his hands on my hips, steadying me from behind. I know my short ruffled skirt must be giving him a nice view of my ass cheeks, the classic black thong hiding the more intimate areas. One hand slides beneath the fluttering fabric of the skirt and simply lies there. We reach a landing, but his hand doesn't move causing my skirt to ride up. Anyone who would happen to be at the carpark at 2 a.m. would be having a free look. I hesitate and glance back, but he just barks a low command, "Continue."

So I continue climbing the stairs. With this flight his other hand joins my ass and he squeezes roughly. But he does not speak a word, simply conveying with his presence that he is to be obeyed and to not question him. Anxiousness settles into my stomach, as I see there are still cars parked on the various levels. Only a few, but it only takes one person to be discovered and I know my man is not going to stop with his hands on my ass.

At the next landing he guides me silently, straight into the bare concrete wall ahead of us. My face is pressed to the cold gray stone and I peak back at him. I see the hunger in his eyes as his hands roam freely over my scantily clad form. Over my breasts, causing my nipples to come to attention. Back under my skirt and his thumbs hook into the thong, slowly pulling it down. I open my legs just a touch to allow him to slide the thin fabric down my legs. One leg is lifted, then the other but he says just one word, "No." The heel clicks on the ground as I place my foot back down and he tucks the fabric through the back strap of the heel. He quickly spins me around and pushes me forward to the next set of stairs.

I hesitate for just a moment and receive a slap to my upper thigh for it. I squeal at the surprise of it and quickly get into step, one foot after the other. Feeling the thong flap against my ankle I recognise the warm tingling in my cunt. Allowing him to humiliate me, the possibility of being spotted, his hands once again roaming along my legs and ass all combine to arouse me quickly and easily. A finger finds its way into my slit for just a moment and he speaks, only to humiliate me further. "My what a slut you are. So wet at being used." I hear a zip and some clothing rustling and my stomach, among other things, buzz in anticipation.

We're only at the third landing when he pushes me into the corner next to the pay machine and forces me to my knees. The rough uncovered floor scratches my knees and a hand on the back of my head brings my mouth down upon his erect cock. As he left me there, bobbing my head up and down, he calmly takes the parking ticket from his wallet and pays at the machine. I hear him growl quietly deep in his throat and I bury my face right into his crotch, the hair tickling my nose, the tip of his cock jamming back into my own throat.

He grabs a handful of hair and yanks me to my feet, propelling me forward toward the next set of stairs. "Go," he commands. I scamper up the stairs only to be told to slow down half way up. Tottering on my heels and completely disoriented by his use of me and my own desire I try to breathe and calm down. As soon as I manage some semblance of control I feel a hand wandering again. This time, two fingers are roughly pushed into my cunt and simply stay there. I whimper at the invasion, desperate for more. At the next landing, his hand does not move. I am forced to bend forward slightly as he comes level with me on the landing. His other hand grabs my hair and pulls my torso towards him, straining my back to arch and pushing my breasts out. Quietly he whispers into my ear, his breath hot, "Up the rest of the flights, slut. When I get to the car I want to see you against the boot of the car, legs spread, hands behind your back. And be quick about it."

In one abrupt movement, he shoves me forward, both hands removing themselves from my body. I don't dare look back but dash up the stairs as fast as I can. My hand slips the door handle on the first try heading out of the stairwell, from the sweat on my palms or simply trying to be too quick I'll never know. Once I get the door open I scurry to our car, thanking my lucky stars that we're the only car on this level this late. I press my pelvis to the trunk of the car, spread my legs and place my hands at the small of my back. Inadvertently I'm leaning over at the waist, trying to catch my breath. Suddenly the picture comes to me: I am in a deserted carpark, my panties around my ankle, legs spread and surely cunt on display under my short skirt. Now my breathing is not short from the haste of my sprint but from anticipation, adrenaline, desire.

I listen carefully but hear nothing. For what feels like an eternity there is nothing but the quiet hum of the flourescent lights and my own heavy breathing. Then the door opens. I hear the car beep, making me jump slightly but it's the alarm being turned off. I hear his footsteps coming closer and the unmistakable sound of his hand on his cock. He steps up behind me without a word, and I quickly take a peak. But that only gets my hair entrapped in his fist again, forcing my torso onto the cold metal of the car. His rock hard cock rams into me in one smooth motion and his other hands holds my wrists roughly, pressing them into my back. Almost immediately I'm ready to orgasm and whisper under my breath, "please, please.." but either he doesn't hear or simply ignores my pleas. The pace quickens, I feel his balls slapping against me and the urgency of his fucking peaks as he grunts loudly. As he spurts inside me he pulls back harder on my hair but I cannot move for his other hand holding me down. His grunting slowing, he lets me go but does not step back. I feel him shuffle slightly but his cock stays buried in my cunt. Suddenly he steps back and he shoves something into my cunt. The realisation is quick; he's just stuffed my cunt with the thong I've been trailing up the stairs.

I stay locked in place as I hear him tidy up, then zip up his pants. The jingle of keys being taken from his pocket, he calmly walks to the driver side door. He turns to look at me calmly, still half bent over the boot of the car, my hands clasped behind my back in the confused and delirious afterglow of being used in such a way.

"Well, come on love, what are you waiting for? Hop in."

Sexting HNT

2009-08-20T10:28:00.001+12:00

You've been teasing me all day long. Text messages and emails, suggestive in nature but not explicit. Throughout my rough day, you've kept me frenzied inside, hormones raging, cunt wet.

Work is over now, and it's time for you to be teased...

I'm on the bus, feeling rather sexy. How can I tease? Mmm..never thought I'd do this. Some sexting, albeit mild.

There's people all around, in front and behind me. Do I dare to reveal more?

There we go...shall I slide it up just a little bit farther?

I want more. The thrill of the possible exposure, knowing you're in a large group of people, undoubtedly being distracted by my pictures and words fuels me. How much farther will I go to tease and torment you?

I think that's about as daring as I can get, at least on the bus.

I hope you need some quality time with yourself to relieve the condition I've surely caused by my interesting bus ride. I'm certainly able to tease right back, and now you know.

Finding Middle Ground

2009-08-18T11:09:00.001+12:00

“Keep a mid course between two extremes.”
~ Ovid

If you hadn't guessed already, love has been on my mind a lot lately.

As I find myself stuck on Tanto (yes, we still talk and see each other as often as possible) I find my want to play with others lessening. Now, there are other factors contributing to my being less willing to play. Such as the nasty episode I recently wrote about, as well as some play a few months back where I bottomed and things kinda went awry. I'm less willing to trust with my body as I've been in the past and feel more fragile, feeling the need to protect more than give. But I'm always feeling the desire for Tanto, even if we do not act on it anymore.

It just makes me wonder. Specifically with Tanto being a major factor. Have I embraced the poly lifestyle for reasons other than actually being poly? When it started, it originally was simply an open relationship between my husband and I because I had needs he was no longer fulfilling. The first sexual relationship I found myself in turned into more than simply sexual. It was a poly arrangement. But what if it was simply a last ditch effort to "fix" what was broken in my marriage? (I know that's how lots of relationships end, with it becoming open in an attempt to stay together. That was not the intention, but who knows if it was the ultimate result.) I did love my husband and this other man at the same time. I had relationships with both. But what about my friend's influences as well? Most of my friends are poly. Have I embraced that label because it is what is around me most of the time? I wonder, daydream, that Tanto and I could have a proper relationship. And wonder if the pull I feel towards him would change at all. If this desire and need to be near him or with him in some way would diminish. NRE, after all, does go away sometime. Is it possible that after that my want to play and love and share with others would return? I simply don't know.

I just find myself lately less willing to take play opportunities when they present themselves. Even at the "workshops" Kapelle holds, I sit more on the sidelines than participating like I used to. This past weekend it was sharing our knowledge on sensual and erotic massage. And even with this, where it was simply touching, I was not very willing to be on the receiving end. When everyone comes over to play with rope, I'm often the one tying instead of being tied up. I didn't go to the recent fetish night, partly because I knew I would not be in a playful mood. Would not be very willing to engage.

I guess finding it hard now to be without a partner. One off plays can be incredibly enjoyable physically. But I crave the intimacy, trust, passion, emotional connection that comes from being in a relationship with the person.

I know I'm quite blocked off at the moment though, even from making new friends. Scared to trust, afraid of being hurt. All this must sound familiar to you guys, seems to be all I can write about lately. Maybe I'm just starting to come out of the shock of initially being single. Maybe I was a bit more willing to engage, trust, play because I had such a lack of it while I was in my marriage. That's pretty typical, especially for a girl who never really dated or played before getting married. And maybe I'm just settling in a bit more now, finding the middle between the two extremes.

The Mind's Punishment

2009-08-14T11:40:00.002+12:00

Let the punishment be proportionate to the offense.

Marcus Tulius Cicero

During July, I was out sick for a good 2 weeks. Late in the week before, I had visited a doctor for a girl problem I was having. I received a prescription for a creme to apply. Dutifully, I used it as directed, applying it to the affected areas.

This creme was supposed to cause some irritation. But after one application on the Sunday night my body was flaring up. It wasn't intolerable, so I put on the second application as I was supposed to on Tuesday. In the middle of that night I had to get up to shower off the creme; my genitals were on fire in a bad way.

I didn't go to work the next day. I could barely move without my cunt feeling as if it was being ripped off. It burned constantly and I couldn't close my legs. I was too afraid to look or feel. I decided I had to go back to see the doctor the next day. There isn't much sleep to be had that night, as I have to lay on my back with my legs spread to keep from being in too much pain. I simply doze in and out of wakefulness for hours.

A friend took the day off to care for me on Thursday, but the clinic couldn't see me until the following morning.

Nurse: "You do undertand this cream is supposed to cause some irritation?"
Me: "This is more than irritation. My genitals are basically swollen shut and even walking is painful."
Nurse: "I'm afraid there isn't an appointment until tomorrow morning at the north clinic. All you can really do is take sea salt baths and keep it clean and dry. There will probably be little the doctor can even do beyond that."

I cry from the feeling of helplessness and the pain. I can't imagine going another day in this agony before I get any relief, no less imagining it to continue indefinitely. But my friend helps me into the bath and it instantly feels slightly better. I spend ten minutes with the hot water and salt soothing my most private, sensitive parts from the blisters and swelling that has become my groin. It is painful to stand up, to step out of the bath. Even more painful to dry the area. There is another almost sleepless night and over the next week there are going to be many loads of towels washed.

The doctor declares I have Herpes Simplex that Friday morning. I am gobsmacked. Not only is it difficult to contract using condoms (which I always use) the incubation period does not fit my recent sexual history. But I take the anti-virals she gives me, barely manage to handle the pain caused by the swab to do a culture, and am mercifully given a prescription for Tramadol to help with the pain and a numbing cream to allow urination without thinking I'll faint from the burning pain it causes.

I go home, inform my workplace I'll be out for some time. I lie in bed on the verge of tears. How can this be happening? I'm so careful when I play. Why is it so bad? The doctor said this is one of the worst cases of initial herpes episodes she has seen. Why me? Why?

I feel as if this is punishment for enjoying sex, for enjoying my sexuality. Even for weeks before this happened, I was unwilling to play for various reasons, including the initial girl problem making the desire go away. My body is betraying me. What was once the central point of intense pleasure is now the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I don't ever want to think about sex again. It's wrong, it only causes pain. Whatever higher power there is is telling me how I live is wrong, I should not enjoy it so much. Punishment. Punishment for being myself.

I can't even bring myself to read the publication the doctor gave me on Herpes. I simply don't believe it. There are too many inconsistencies between its typical infection and what is happening to me. I spend the week mostly in bed, not daring to move much. The numbing cream doesn't help totally but the Tramadol is effective in not only dulling the pain but allowing me to actually sleep. The week passes in a haze of pain, salt baths, towel washes and pills. During my baths I check on the progress very, very carefully but beyond that there is no touching my body. I feel as the blisters shrink in size, the swelling going down, and, oh look! My vaginal opening is accessible again. I have another appointment the following Friday.

Friday morning and the test results haven't come in yet. The lab is backed up. But the doctor is positive it is herpes, even if the results come back negative. But then she says she is willing to be wrong about her diagnosis when I talk to her about the inconsistencies. I don't have anymore time to be off of work, but by the Monday I should be ok enough to walk regularly. I'll be seeing a different doctor the next Friday.

The first few days at work are difficult. I try to go full speed but am reminded by sharp pains in my groin to slow down, you're not completely healed yet. At least I can urinate without pain now. I simply tell co-workers I'm just having "girl problems" and am left alone after that.

I'm able to shower again and am taking only one bath a day (as opposed to 3-5). Thankfully, my whole genital area is almost "back to normal". The final Friday appointment at the clinic comes. The test results are negative. This doctor thinks it was an extreme reaction to the cream; it's rare but happens. Which is what the few friends I've shared with and I have thought all along. But the doctor makes sure to warn me that I may still have Herpes; there are false negatives at times. We'll just have to wait to see if I have another episode, which would thankfully be less severe if it comes at all. That's fine with me, I doubt I'll be having sex anytime soon.

It's another two weeks before I even think about sex or get horny. And it's only with Tanto's help that I'm able to begin playing with myself at all again. It's only with his insistence that this was only a reaction to action, it was a natural consequence of life. It was not some kind of punishment. Because who I am, sexuality included, is a wonderful, amazing, passionate young woman who doesn't actually deserve such pain.

Right now, I seem to be back to myself about two months after the beginning of this saga. Sex is on my mind almost daily, I'm masturbating again (with the help of my Lelo Lily, woot!). Tomorrow night is a fetish night at Sparty's and I'll at least be doing play piercings. It seems that there are some permanent or semi-permanent changes to my anatomy though. Only time will tell. But I hope to never experience something like that ever, ever again.

Within

2009-08-11T09:52:00.001+12:00

Looking deep within,
Quiet, calm.
There are no distractions.

Eyes closed.
Breathe in, feeling the air fill my lungs.
Focus, exhale, inhale.

All the world dissipates,
Slowly returning to myself with each slow, deep breath.

This is a place that is intimidating and unnerving,
My own inner self.
I expend energy to avoid this place,
the innermost thoughts and feelings within.

The time for hiding is over.
I must confront that which I fear the most.
Myself.

I look deep within,
Feel my heart.
Thump, thump, thump.
Slowing with my breath.

It is fragile, paper thin yet brittle.
It is guarded, insulated from both harm and love.
Both sorrow and joy.

What once was bounding with fervor,
a meadow of wildflowers,
is now the desolated remains of a volcanic eruption.
Empty and dark, scorched and ruined.

But beneath the hardened exterior
is exceptionally fertile soil.
Simply waiting for the sun and the rain
so it can blossom once again.

Squee!

2009-08-04T22:37:00.004+12:00

I has a Lelo Lily! I originally was going to get a Nea, because it was a bit less expensive but they were out of stock. I got "talked up" to the Lily because I liked her vibration options better...and it just feels right using a female pronoun for this vibrator. Weird.

I spent lots o money on it. D.Vice only had the black in stock, or I would have bought it in plum. Cuz you know me...rebel against the black. (What is it with me and the shop not having what I want in? Gah!)

I'm too exhausted to try it out tonight though :( Had orchestra rehearsal and an hour of brain-oozing questions to answer when I got home from it. I also wanna shave before I try it. (Have not shaved for, like, a month. I now remember why I do it so regularly. Ick.)

But is bed time naow. *yawns*

Take the Bait

2009-08-03T16:01:00.001+12:00

Since I left my husband, I have been resigned to the fact that I'll be paying off our debts until they are paid off completely. (No, he's not contributing. No, there is not much I can do about it.) That means working full time until then, which is at least another 5 years away when all I want to be doing is to be studying.

Dee's Adonis is an evil man, giving me the numbers of the current Study Link allowances. After doing as much of a budget as I know how, it looks possible to study - now. It has thrown me for a loop. For the past year I have thought my dreams were years away, and yet that may not be true. Money would be tight - even tighter than it is now, but with a part time job earning what I'm on now at about 12-15 hours a week would give me enough.

I'm not sure if I've posted about it, but I want to do a double major undergraduate degree of psychology and sociology and then head back to the States to study a masters in human sexuality. For the first time in my life I know what direction I want to take, for me, instead of what everyone thinks I should be. And I have big dreams, big goals. That is an extraordinary feat for me, the girl who has trouble even thinking into next week.

And I may be able to start that dream, begin the big goals, far earlier than I thought. Can I handle the stress of an even tighter financial strain? Can I study full time and work part time? Can I face the scary idea of another attempt at tertiary study?

"EEP" is about as far as my brain gets in answering any of those.

Truth and Love

2009-07-28T12:08:00.001+12:00

Love has been on my mind the past few days.

Vanilla Impaired wrote a post last week (Simplicity of Loving). I will let her words speak for themselves. But there is a lot of truth in them and they resonate with me.

An old, dear friend and I have been chatting a little as well. He has an insight into my being that few these days have. His words speak the truth, often a truth I do not allow myself to acknowledge. And he can ask questions few others would get an answer to.

"your heart is vast, your capacity for love great. that also means you yearn to exercise your full capacity."

"So how is your heart, dear? Tanto is one half, but what about the other?"

My reply? - "It's soundly cut off, trying to protect myself from the world."

I'll not play semantics too much. (I wouldn't say "half", I dislike quantifying something like love and the heart.) But there is truth here. I have allowed Tanto into a large part of my heart. There are others too, in different ways. But for the most part, I hide. I do not allow people to get close to me. I'm too afraid of being hurt again. Too afraid that my dreams and hopes will be crushed to dust as they have in the past.

I struggle with my heart. I want to love as I have before. With all of my heart and without reservation. But is that even possible for me anymore? The 'real world' has taken a mighty toll on my heart and my spirit. I very rarely let people see various parts of myself. Because they are fragile and need to be handled with care. Maybe I have simply chosen the wrong people to share my heart, to give my trust to sometimes. Doesn't everyone? Why would it hurt me so solidly, so deeply? How can I heal it?

I am hiding from the world. Hiding my real self. The caring, nurturing, happy girl who just wants those around her to be happy. Why is that so complicated? How can I find the strength to stop hiding?

2009-07-23T15:22:00.000+12:00

Rope does something magical to me.
Bondage is welcomed, constraint and restraint desired.
But rope, rope is a journey unparalleled by leather or chain.

My hemp has been tended with meticulous loving care.
Frays cleared, lengths boiled, dried, oiled and scented,
So lavender fills the air as my body is becoming one with the rope.

Deft hands, neatly placed knots, rough fibre dragging across my skin.
Enveloping my body with careful grace
I must be patient...

Lower and lower the rope twines.
Filling the need, fueling the desire.
There is nothing like rope confining my curves.

It intoxicates me, the rope on my body.
The rope on my skin.
The rope...

Many thanks to Dee's Adonis for binding me and whoever took the lovely pictures, probably Dee herself!

Ardent Longing

2009-07-22T12:46:00.001+12:00

"Silence propagates itself, and the longer talk has been suspended, the more difficult it is to find anything to say."

- Samuel Johnson

The world threw me one helluva monkey wrench a while ago, hence my silence. And as I've been slowly coming to terms with it, I've found it hard to write here again. The monkey wrench removed all desire of anything sexual or sensual (except when I saw Tanto..). It's like it was put on hold. Over the past few days it has been creeping back, slowly but surely.

Friends newly introduced are flirting with each other and I look on longingly. The playful energy bleeding into me and I find myself pining to experience that again. To enjoy the new, fresh energy of another person and innocently tease and play. While I enjoy being the sexy vixen, there is a certain delight in the less explicit fun. The child like adoration, wonder, exploration that one can never really recreate in its purest form from actual childhood. The adult version is fun to play too though and I miss it.

I miss other things too. The feel of a loved one's skin naked against mine. The pulse of a heartbeat beneath my hand. To run my fingers through clean hair as I look into their eyes. Tracing the curves on the soft body. Feeling as if my heart will explode with joy, passion and love just by being with that person. The comfort of a long time friend's arms around me, cuddled up and simply being silent together. The contentment of falling asleep side by side, knowing they will be there when I wake up. A hand in mine, slightly squeezing simply to say silently, "I love you." The soft touch of lips against mine. An unexpected hug from behind, a random show of love and happiness. All of this and more I nostalgically feed upon and yearn for.

The quiet, calm, uncomplicated intimacy of friends and lovers. This is what I live for. This is what makes life worth living. This is what I miss the most right now.

100

2009-07-05T19:25:00.002+12:00

Only just now have I realised that my last post, The Secret HNT, was my one hundredth post.

Alas, no celebration from me. I actually came onto my blog tonight to rant about the stress in my life and how it's affecting me. But then I noticed the post count and thought I would at least acknowledge it.

So...Happy 100 Posts to me!

The Secret

2009-07-02T13:35:00.002+12:00

Surrounded.
By darkness.
By walls, closing in.
By a thicket, thorns menacingly sharp.
By bars, a cage that is not welcome.

Reaching out.
Blindly feeling.
Stopped short.
Pricked and bleeding.
Achingly close to the key.

Is there no escape?
No relief?
To the suffocating.
To the bindings.
To the wearing away of one's soul.

A door.
A clearing.
A key.
It's all I need to find
to make my path to freedom.

But only to be able to find it,
to lay my hands on the secret.

For now,
I must endure the solitude
the darkness
the fear
Until that secret may be found.

The secret that will set me free.

The Little One

2009-07-01T15:48:00.001+12:00

Through the years I have known people interested in the Daddy / little girl dynamic and have watched friends discover this part to themselves. (Strangely, I do not think I know a single Mommy or boy.) I didn't think I would ever understand it.

Verva and I had a chat some time ago, touching on it. And I realised that there is a part of me who would fall into this role incredibly easily.

I'm sure it wouldn't surprise many of my friends. After all, I have a penchant for all things Disney (my brother works in Disneyworld people, surprise surirpse), am obsessed with fairies, and I need security and stability in order to feel ok with the world. Throw one monkey wrench in the works, change one aspect of my life without my control or conscious decision and I immediately feel threatened and like the sky is going to fall.

There are times when I simply want someone to hold me. Someone to pet my head, stroke my hair and simply be with me. In those moments, the arms around me make the world seem ok. The problems aren't quite so bad, nothing is insurmountable and I'm safe. Safe from the demons, safe from problems, safe from the world.

Is that what it feels like to be a little girl? Maybe someday I'll find out.

Yay for Weekends!

2009-06-28T18:36:00.006+12:00

Just a few highlights from my weekend, before I start anew with another week:

I love the smile one shares with someone when they've played. Even if no sexual contact has been made, sharing the intimacy of play with someone, new or familiar, is always fun.
Lots of friends, snuggles and laughs along with sharing of kinkiness. (even if that movie was truly dreadful, Kapelle :-P)
Lots of time with Tanto. I've been silent about him lately, mostly because there's far too much I am not willing to share with the world. But I appreciate all the time and love he gives me.
Yoga!! It's been so long since I went to a yoga class and really want to fit it into my budget to do regularly.
Finding a pill container that sets my week up for me - I have far too many pills to take every morning now to do it without preparation lol

I wish for more time...more time to be with the people I love. There are so many of them and simply not enough time to be with them all.

Just Get Lost!

2009-06-25T15:20:00.004+12:00

Well, I don't really have words today. So...just perve at the picture, k? There's enough cleavage to get lost for a least a few minutes...

HHNT!

(This week's pic is brought to you by Dee, when we were all getting ready for the February Fetish night.)

More on The Dinner

2009-06-24T11:19:00.002+12:00

Back to Amabile and Piacere's formal dinner.

Overall - those of us who were playing the slave role did really well. Eilen and I fell right into the hospitality aspect of it, serving the food and such. She's hosted lots of parties but I've never done it before. She told me a few days later that I did a superb job in that aspect since I'd never hosted before :)

It was really quite an experience. I knew exactly what was expected of me for the most part and I had a focus. Because of that I was able to really take it on and do reasonably well. Once a course was out, set out the plates for the next and begin plating. Start cleaning up as we go. Watching for when it was an appropriate time to take away plates. (Selfishly, I made sure I was the one to serve both Piacere and Amabile at the beginning of each course.)

Several times the places had to be changed due to people not being able to come, or others deciding to come at the last moment. Since I had arranged all the table settings and placed people to their seats, there was a serious challenge to changing things around. But it worked out really well in the end.

I spoke directly to Dominants several times though, and never quite remembered to always speak in the third person. And it was very difficult to stand in the background while conversation was happening and not contribute. That seemed a bit odd as normally I'm quite timid about speaking up in large groups. Maybe it was simply the fact that I couldn't speak up was what made me want to...lol.

There was one interaction that stands out for me from that night. I was waiting downstairs at the front door for some late comers while everyone was still socialising and having pre-dinner drinks upstairs, and it was being considered to start dinner before the late folks showed up. Piacere came down to check on me and give me an update. I was standing in the relaxed, open position he had told us to use with my hands at the small of my back, palms facing out and open. (It really does leave one feeling slightly vulnerable.) There was a little bit of conversation, then something about the guest seating came up regarding one of the people running late.

"This slave would go and fix the place setting but she needs to stay at the door to greet the folks who haven't shown up yet," was what I said, or something near to it. And he replied, "Yes, she does," in a tone of voice that was at once caring and intimate yet authoritative and firm.

I'm not sure what it was that caused that particular interaction to have such an impact on me. Successfully speaking in the third person to someone who's introduced me to things I've wondered about for a while? Him speaking directly to me using the third person? The quiet, removed atmosphere where it took place? It must be a combination of things. But it made me feel so humble, quiet, reserved. Yet at the same time, when he went back up the stairs I smiled to myself. Feeling a sense of pride and value and a different kind of belonging that I hadn't experienced before. It simply felt good.

I think I need to be doing some more research about the Leather world.

The Dreaded TMJ

2009-06-23T11:59:00.002+12:00

Yup. I'll finally admit it. I have problems with my temporomandibular joint. Say that three times fast!

The right side of my jaw has 'popped' / 'cracked' since I was about twelve. It was just a weird thing my body did (and suitably freaked lots of people out..hehe) until recently. About six weeks ago I'd say, it actually became a problem. I couldn't open my mouth completely. There was pain if I tried to eat an apple without cutting it up. Damnit...

Off to the doctor I went (also for some other reasons) and she said it. TMJ. The dreaded three-letter-acronym for cock-suckers everywhere. *sighs*

I've found some exercises that seem to work pretty well. (Found here if you have the need to know.) I'm trying to do them on the bus everyday, so twice a day. I still can't open my mouth all the way with out putting pressure on the joint but there's less pain and stiffness and it is opening more than before. Of course, it would help if I could remember to take the stupid anti-inflammatories my doctor gave me! It also feels really strange to move/open my mouth with out all that clicking. I kinda miss it actually...lol

It's difficult not to play with my jaw to the point of pain too. I'm one of those people who will poke at a wound just to feel the owies. But pain for this is a bad thing and will only exasperate the problem more.

Good thing I don't really have any sexual partners at the moment! I'd miss not being able to perform oral :-(

Bubbles HNT

2009-06-18T19:20:00.004+12:00

The water awaits,
warm and enticing.
Splashing over the edge as we ease our naked bodies in.

The bubbles begin,
Easing tension.
Relaxing aching muscles and minds.

Calm and quiet.
Peaceful, serene.
Just be my beloved, amid the bountiful bubbles.

As always, click for a bigger version. And a big thanks to my lovelie in Hamilton for the pic. You know who you are! *kisses*

O is for Orgasmic Meme

2009-06-18T11:23:00.003+12:00

From the lovely Vanilla Impaired. I don't normally do memes, but she's a cool chickie and I like her meme!

1. What’s your favourite way to have an orgasm?

Honestly? It has to be when a lover is masturbating me with his/her hands. Not just anyone, but a person I have an intimate connection with.

2. Do you use a sex toy? Hands? or both?

It's very rare that I don't use toys actually. Surprisingly, I haven't spent the time to find out what works well with just my hands.

3. Do you have a favourite time of day or night that you like to pleasure yourself or have sex?

Sex? Anytime baby! But for masturbation I prefer before bed.

4. Do you feel you have different types of orgasms?

Definitely. There are pleasant, small orgasms that sate surprisingly well. There are full body orgasms that leave me totally exhausted. Squirting orgasms. Orgasms from internal stimulation are different than external. I really think there are endless possibilities.

5. Do you have a position or a technique that always guarantees an orgasm?

I honestly have to say no. There are times when it's been requested I have an orgasm, only to find my best methods fail. It doesn't happen very often, but it does happen.

6. Is having your clit directly stimulated pleasurable for you? What about after an orgasm?

Oh hell yes! (I <3 my Hitachi.) Using my clit is probably the quickest way to achieve orgasm, but not necessarily the best. After an orgasm? I'm not able to continue on my own most of the time due to sensitivity. But another person can force a few more out of me before I absolutely start begging to stop. And sometimes the person is an evil bastard and takes some more orgasms before they stop. Harrumph!

7. Do you masturbate/pleasure yourself?

I do. It doesn't happen terribly often. For some reason, playing with myself is simply not incredibly fulfilling. Physically, certainly. But the mental and emotional fulfillment is simply not there when it's all on my own and that's a big part of my sexuality.

8. Has your self pleasuring repertoire/routine/technique changed or evolved over time?

Most definitely! One thing getting my triangle piercing did was change my anatomy and I had to learn all over again what gets me off. I'm still learning new, fun tricks too! But even before that, there have been trends to my self play. Toys come and go, positions change. One thing that has never changed is I like to edge myself. Get close to that point then stop for a few. And do it over and over again. I love it.

9. Are sex toys part of your self pleasuring or with a partner? Or both?

Yes. Like I said above, I rarely use my hands. With a partner, either way is good with me. My most common toys to use is my bullet vibe, hitachi, and assorted butt plugs/dildos. It's not often I get out the bdsm-y stuff to play with myself.

10. If you enjoy using sex toys how often do you upgrade your equipment?

Whenever it's needed, really. I don't have a lot of spare cash to be spending on toys!

11. Whats the most intense orgasm you have ever had?

Uhh...every time I have an intense orgasm I think it's the best one! I honestly could not tell you.

12. How often do you orgasm? Daily, more than once a day, weekly, monthly….???

If I'm with a partner it varies greatly. But as for masturbation, it's typically about once a week right now. But that changes as well. There have been times I could go weeks without and other times I'd have to at least once a day.

13. Do you regard orgasm to be a stress reliever?

Definitely.

14. What happens to you after orgasm? Full of energy, a bit lala or ready to go to sleep?

I've been all three of those after orgasm. It depends on the circumstances. But it's totally normal for me to want to go to sleep! I'm a man like that :-P

15. Have you ever squirted?

I do occasionally. It needs to be done is a specific way to achieve that, usually with a lot of g-spot play.

16. Do you fantasize when you masturbate? Or do you just get right down to it?

Commonly a specific image or thought will bring on the want to play (or I read, look at images with the goal of getting ready to play). Sometimes I will expand on that in my mind but once I get into it, usually my brain turns off and I'm focused on the pleasure.

17. What do you like about having an orgasm? Is it important you have an orgasm every time?

It feels good! Duh! :-P It's a few moments where there is pure pleasure and the rest of the world doesn't exist. When with a partner, it's an intimate connection and enjoyment. And I don't always need one, but it's a bonus if I do.

Truth in Terminology

2009-06-16T15:43:00.003+12:00

So, Saturday night went pretty smoothly. There were glitches like in any planned event, but I'll get to that stuff in a later post. Right now I need to muse on the term "slave."

The evening was based on "Contemporary Leather", bringing to the surface parts of the Leather area as opposed to the outright BDSM community. To most people's ears, "slave" invokes a person chained in a cage with a large leather collar around their neck. Even to most people within a kinky lifestyle, it usually revolves around massive restrictions in what one can do or be. Waiting around to be given their orders. Sometimes they are seen as people who have very little responsibility and are "bottom of the barrel". There's also the Gorean view of a slave, which I will not even pretend to understand. Needless to say, the terminology doesn't quite mean the same thing to everyone.

The emphasis given to Eilen and I was very contradictory to what I'm used to thinking.

Before Saturday came upon us we had an idea of what "slave" meant for that night. Amabile and Piacere had sent out invitations with the explanations of the roles for the night, appropriate dress, protocols, etc. Here is an excerpt on the role of the slaves:

Contrary
to the traditional view, slaves in the contemporary leather world are
seen as highly skilled, intelligent and privileged individuals.
Their behaviour conveys the level of respect that they have for both
themselves and for their Master/Mistress. Poor behaviour, a lack of
poise and grace, not only reflects on the slave but also on the
competency of their Master/Mistress. The slaves are the MOST
important people attending the event. Their ‘presence’
will set the mood for the evening, their input will ensure that the
evening seamlessly flows without interruption.

(Now, I don't want to get caught up in semantics. Just take things at face value. This is someone's opinion and they're entitled to it just as you are.)

I can understand the highly valued part. I comprehend that a slave's behaviour mirrors onto their Master/Mistress. (I do have trouble agreeing with that one at times, but the Leather world isn't mine. So I'll leave it be.) The part I had the most difficulty with wasn't mentioned until Saturday, when Eilen and I were chatting with Piacere about our roles.

The slave is present to serve the household. Not the guests. Huh??? That boggled me so much, and in some ways still does. But Piacere did his best to explain.

The slave belongs to the household. Their purpose, as above, is to ensure the evening runs smoothly. This included taking the guest's coats and bags, escorting them upstairs, serving them drinks and dinner. But beyond a polite "good evening" from us and to provide the specific services Piacere entrusted to us, we were to defer anyone back to him. Idle conversation did not happen. The submissives in attendance could speak with us about the preparations or organisation of the dinner (one asked us to not give their partner her dessert, as he could not eat it) but still very little interaction.

Even as I'm writing this I'm talking to Eilen, trying to get it straight in my head. I understand on an intellectual level but instinctively, it is very difficult. My default is to do as people ask me to do. I very rarely say no to people I know, and I knew almost everyone in attendance that night. And here I was, to essentially say no to any request made not directly related to the dinner itself. (Politely, of course, using the protocols set for us.) It's a very difficult concept for me to grasp. Obviously, since I still don't really get it.

I subverted this problem by standing at the door for the whole beginning of the night. By doing that, I had a very specific role. Welcome guests, put coats and bags into the garage, escort guests upstairs. There was very little doubt in my mind as to what was appropriate or not. I still didn't do it very well - I don't know how many times I missed saying "this slave" and used a personal pronoun instead, or talked to Dominants without realising it. It was fucking difficult.

Where was I going with this? I'm not entirely sure. It was a new view of "slave" for me and one I think fits more closely with my view of things, ironically. If only I could figure it out.

Playing to Expectations

2009-06-12T11:58:00.002+12:00

Tomorrow night Amabile and Piacere are hosting a formal D/s dinner at their home with a theme of "Contemporary Leather." The two of them have been doing some serious work lately on structuring their D/s relationship and incorporating levels of protocol. This dinner is a way of helping to learn about that and share their own discoveries. Or at least, that's how I see it. I know they intend for it to be just a fun night. There's also going to be a bdsm demonstration and a play party afterwards.

Eilen and I are playing the role of the slaves for the formal part of the night. It's interesting how the two of us ended up in that part - me, the experienced submissive who has not had a chance to explore protocol much and her, a person new to bdsm who thinks she enjoys the submissive role but has really only tipped her toe into the waters.

We've been having fun the last couple of days working out what we'll wear, ideas on how to do our hair..lol. Being girls, basically! But we both are worried about the expectations of the slave role and how we'll fare in it.

We have a list of formal protocols neither of us have done before. Neither of us are terribly graceful or elegant creatures and that is expected. We'll be serving drinks before dinner and serving the three course meal as well. I've never even used a serving tray!

While chatting to someone about my nervousness for the upcoming night, I stumbled upon a very difficult emotional trap. I've been consistently telling people I'm worried that I'll "fuck up." Well, it seems it goes even deeper than that. It's been a realisation that I set myself up to disappoint. I expect myself to fail. I don't think it is only related to this specific event. This is something new I've never done and I know logically there is no pressure to be "perfect" and they would not have asked me if they thought I'd do a miserable job of it. But doing some deeper thinking, I see this trail of thinking whenever I try something new or when others expect something of me. I feel inside that there is no way I could succeed. Ok - that is an overexaggeration, bigtime. I'm not that bad anymore but there was a time when I didn't believe I could succeed at anything. I am stronger than that now. But I still somehow set the bar well beyond my reach, expecting perfection from myself while at the same time knowing for certain that I will disappoint in some way. How does that work??

Anyway. I'm heading over to Amabile and Piacere's place tonight. We'll be playing with rope, oragnising and getting things set up for Saturday evening. All day Saturday is set to preparation for the event. Eilen and I still don't know exactly what we're wearing! lol...always the most important part, isn't it?? *smirks*

Red Hot HNT

2009-06-11T19:37:00.004+12:00

Normally I eschew what seem to be the most favourite colours among bdsm enthusiasts: Red and Black. Particularly black, as I had a bit of an emo/goth period in my early teenage years where all I would wear was black. As my costume for the February Fetish Night shows, I like bright colours. For May's Fetish night, I reverted to the tried and true red and black.

And I was hawt.

Again my ropework is on display. This time a belt that trailed down my leg. A peak of fishnet clad cleavage, knowledge of where the rope is running between.

What you can't see is the 5 inch stiletto heels I tottered in for hours. The sleak PVC adorned by rough cotton rope, a promise of delicious trampling as I teased Dee with the heel.

What you can't see is the look on my face that caused a friend to flee the room in a flush of heat and blood caused by my predatory desires of the night.

Where the predator in me has gone, I'm not sure. But I have no doubt she'll come out to play again sometime...

This Is Your Captain Speaking

2009-06-11T10:41:00.002+12:00

Life is in a bit of a holding pattern right now.

I have the regular everyday trials and tribulations, the ups and downs. The consistent stresses that frustrate the bejeesus outta me. There's also the ever present positive things that keeps me going - talking to my friends, orchestra, reading. I keep myself busy.

I had the day off of work yesterday and didn't get any rest! It was an orchestra event, performing for various schools throughout the day. Three performances later and I was knackered. It was fabulous but draining. And over three hours of playing my trumpet (plus lots of high notes), combined with being social and dealing with school children? Equates to an exhausted Kiana. It was very difficult to get out of bed this morning.

The seats we use for orchestra are not very good; perfect for a performer but not wonderful for an ouchie lower back from an ice skating fall the other weekend! Now have a physio referral to ease the owies.

See? I have a boring, normal life.

Do wish there was more sexin' going on but the stress is taking its toll I believe. My libido has gone down but is not non existent - it certainly pops up when provoked by something or someone.

I will make an attempt at putting some HNT's up later tonight, although it will be later than my usual time. Dee got some smokin' hot photos of me from the last fetish party!

A Pet Peeve

2009-06-08T14:40:00.002+12:00

There's a lot of things that annoy me about "the community," mostly the "online community." It's anything but one big happy family.

One thing that galls me to no end is the people who think that those of us who participate in power exchange relationships have "better" relationships than "vanillas." (Holy cow on the quotation today Kiana.)

More trust is not needed in D/s.
The relationships are not deeper or more understanding.
Power exchange does not necessarily make people closer to each other.
Your love is not more profound, more powerful, more lasting, more anything just because one person controls the other in some negotiated way.

A relationship is a relationship is a relationship. It can only be what two people put into it, whether they be vanilla, hokey pokey (go NZ reference no one else will understand), or double dutch chocolate. (Incidentally, Annie Anatomy has a good post about that one over here.)

In any intimate long term relationship both people allow the other into their vulnerabilities. Trust someone with things the rest of the world doesn't get to see. Whether that is submission, a secret and personally shameful obsession with anime, an insecurity over one's driving ability....it could literally be anything. The trust it takes to show that to another person is not any different because it is kinked and/or sexual.

Trust, intimacy, communication, honesty, love. All of these things are needed for a relationship to succeed. Any relationship, power exchange or not. And I think anyone who deludes themselves into believing they are somehow a more evolved human being (which is what they are really trying to say) by participating in something as fantasy induced as D/s needs to get off their twoo pedestal and find their way back to real life.

In Da Club

2009-06-03T15:29:00.002+12:00

New Zealand is a small nation. Our largest City, Auckland, my home, is estimated (a few years ago) at a mere 1.3 million people. Compare that to London (over 7.5 million), New York City (over 8.3 million) or Beijing (over 7.7 million) and we're teeny tiny! Los Angeles, Chicago, Sydney, Singapore, Toronto...hundreds of cities have millions more people than we do. It's not a surprise when you think about it that way that it would be difficult for any subculture to find a foothold in this city. Right now, the fetish world is trying to get a start here in our tiny corner of the world.

Needless to say, we're having some teething problems. (Growing pains are for teenagers. We're not quite that old yet!)

This past Sunday was the second successful Club Twisted party held at Club Sparty's. It is an advertised event, but advertised in discreet places where interested folks may frequent. There were a few dozen attendees, all decked out in some kind of fetish attire. Some of us more creative than others, but all dressed to the nines. (With some getting naked quite quickly, as that is their fetish!) Yours truly didn't have much fetish to her outfit, aside from more rope made into a belt that trailed down a leg, fishnets and tight short shorts and top. Obligatory collar of course. There were naughty schoolgirls, lots of leather and PVC. Some awesomely stunning chainmail was worn by the artist himself and some ladies were in very high heels. One person was mighty courageous, coming as his adult baby persona. (Maybe we can borrow his teething ring?) The female half of the dungeon monitor couple was a Gladiatrix and certainly looked convincing. Altogether the eye candy was delicious and the effort put in by everyone very much appreciated.

The light was adjusted accordingly for a fetish party. With Sparty's normally being a swinger's club, the lights tend to be dim. That's fine when you want to lower inhibitions for sex and encourage people to get it on; it certainly works for them! But when you're wanting to wail on someone's ass with a paddle or cane it's better to see what you're doing so you don't do damage. Kudos to the owners for letting us do that!

Dungeon furniture is a must for a fetish party. The owners have already invested in an upright cage for their venue, welded right into the wall. It always gets good use as far as I can tell! (And the lovely Dee had fun both being teased and teasing with her sexy dancing while padlocked in.) But several others within the community stepped up to the plate to add to the amount of play spaces available. A traditional sex swing in a frame, a wonderful A frame for rope suspension, a spanking horse, and even a latex vacbed were all brought in to help people have some fun.

Annie Anatomy was present, the piercer for Dermagraphics, all dressed up and looking pretty while poking holes in her willing victims. (I'm sure Dee will be posting some of the pictures I took sometime!!) Her and her partner were a wonderful addition to the party, not only being professional but social and engaging as well. Serious Kudos to Annie for plying her trade while wearing a neck corset! Incredibly impressive, Annie.

One seemingly unanimous comment was about music. At the first party it was a bit too loud; people who were playing had a hard time hearing each other which can be dangerous. The volume was much better this time, but the last-minute-replacement DJ didn't fit the crowd and environment well at all. There was much less play this time around and I do believe that was due to the music creating a totally different atmosphere than the previous DJ. Most of the beats were akin to dance club music, a bit too fast and racy. It may be stereotyping, but for a BDSM crowd where play is expected, a darker ambiance is needed with strong bass beats but not necessarily terribly fast. A well known local Domme did do a wonderful job using the dance beat in some of her scenes but it seemed off putting to most.

That latex vacbed was sadly rather unused. The owner helped one person try it out and then simply left it there on the floor. Without supervision or knowledge of the equipment, no one else could use it since that person left it. I knew several people were keen but were afraid to approach since the owner did not stay with it. It was announced that it was there to be tried yet it felt in the way and simply discarded as the owner went on to do other things. I personally feel that if someone is going to demo some equipment like that, which needs specific knowledge or supervision, the person needs to stay with it to encourage people to try it. And if there's not much curiosity? It needs to be put away. The bed was just left there for some time, no one using it and getting in the way. It was a disappointment, both it not getting used and it being in the way. It caused most of the people to be pressed into a different and smaller section of the club and it also caused the amount of play space to be drastically reduced for the remainder of the night.

The last major comment of a constructively critical nature was smoking. There is an outside smoking area (smoking inside bars/clubs/restaurants and the buildings is actually illegal in Auckland) but as the night goes on the people who are a bit more comfortable/regular to the venue started smoking inside. Now, when the doors officially close to the "public" the party technically becomes a private, personal event so the laws end up not applying, apparently. I'm not an expert in anyway but this is what I've been told. Many of my group of friends are very sensitive to cigarette smoke so it pushed us to go home a bit early.

There is still a learning curve for mixing the fetish and swinger subcultures. The swingers have their own sets of rules and etiquette and ours differ. There were a few people interrupting play scenes, walking into the swing of floggers or canes, the dungeon monitors weren't pointed out or immediately and visibly identified. There is a blurring of the line over what is "edge" play and what is not. This is the kind of thing that simply takes a mix of knowledge and learning by trial and error to overcome.

These issues are all totally solvable. And everyone isn't simply complaining. Folks over on Fetlife have been making suggestions since the day after the party. People are actually coming together and giving positive, constructive feedback to the organisers in order to make the events better for everyone involved. That is something I am very proud to see. For the music problem? Someone has offered to make a 'backup" CD mix or two in case the DJ just doesn't seem to get it. I've already commented here that simply having someone attending 'demo' equipment would help. The owners of the club have been informed about the smoking. Recommendations that the DMs wear some kind of armband to identify them has come up. And possibly a print out of rules and etiquette to be handed out upon arrival to try to bridge the knowledge gap has been mentioned.

This is progress. Incredibly positive, forward motion in Auckland's Fetish scene.

To the owners of Club Sparty - Thank you for allowing us to invade your club with our dirty, perverted minds and bodies.
To the people in the scene helping to organise the fetish parties - Thank you for your time and effort in helping create a public space to play in.
To Annie Anatomy and her partner James - Thanks for adding to the atmosphere and the endorphins.
To the folks who attended - Thank you for creating a comfortable, social environment where public play is encouraged and enjoyed.
To those who didn't make it - Find time in your schedule for the next one! It's only going to get better from here!

Peekaboo!

2009-05-28T15:50:00.001+12:00

Just a teeny little peek right now....

A hint of my piercing. I love it so much.

Happy HNT!

Remember...

2009-05-27T12:04:00.002+12:00

“When you can't remember why you're hurt, that's when you're healed.”
~ Jane Fonda

Tuesday, a co-worker walked into the office and immediately said to me, "Congratulations!" I was puzzled for a few moments until she brought me up to speed - we had both started our jobs on the same day one year ago. I had been aware of it, as we'd made a few comments about it in the past few weeks but on the day it had completely slipped my mind.

Something even more important slipped my mind until later in the day. If I had been at my company for one year, it means I'd just passed one year since I had left my husband as well.

You'd think it'd be something that would occupy my mind quite a bit. He had been my entire life for almost 5 years. He put me through a certain kind of hell and back, and looking on in hindsight, there were certainly positives and negatives to the relationship. I cannot fathom where I'd be in the world literally or figuratively if he hadn't taken me in when I needed it. Despite how much it hurt then, it had been time to leave him.

The quote at the top of my post rings very true for me right now I suppose. I don't believe in anyway that I'm fully healed from things that happened but if I don't even remember that the anniversary has passed? It must be a good thing.

I've spent that year well I think. Time grieving for the loss of love yet knowing it was the right thing to do. Learning about myself in a way I never had before, proving to myself that I can be "on my own" and successful. Maintaining and thriving in my job, as much as it will allow. Making new friends, having new experiences. Finding love in unexpected places. Lots and lots of growing.

I'm a stronger person now. It's amazing to me how things can change in such a short period of time. For this period of time in my life I have to say, even through the hard times I've had, it has been an overwhelmingly beneficial season.

There is no doubt in my mind though that a very large part of my making it through my marriage breakup and the past year in general has been the generosity and love of my friends. To those of you who have been there from the start and those I have acquired along the way, to all of you - thank you. Thank you for standing by me in hard times, for listening to me cry and vent and struggle, for understanding when I haven't been a very good friend in return, for sharing my joys and happiness and allowing me into your lives. I love you all and appreciate all you do for me, even if I don't always show it well. *hugs*

An Opportunity

2009-05-25T15:07:00.003+12:00

I've recently been presented with an opportunity to engage in a structured D/s relationship with someone. Most of my relationships in the past have grown out of a desire to be together with another person on an intimate level. Love, for want of a better word. Even with TQ at the very beginning of my bdsm explorations I had a fondness for him long before he took me into his protection and possession. We were friends and I looked up to him, having an immense amount of trust and respect. Not a traditional coupling, no. It had a focus and an end point in sight from the very beginning. That relationship served its purpose and more along its duration. And it seems I have the possibility of something similar in the current juncture I find myself in right now.

It is a very different way of seeing a relationship. In this instance, it would be contractual. Very specific guidelines laid down from the start. The goal of the relationship? As I see it right now, it seems to be mainly to give me some support. Some direction. I've spoken in the past of how I do feel slightly lost without someone to guide me. Like I am simply afloat in a vast sea without the abilities needed to find my way to the destination. This arrangement would gradually give me those abilities and at least initially, it would allow a time of just observation on how it all works.

The question then comes to me - can I allow someone to take the lead? I admit it scares the bejeezus outta me. After a year of forcing myself to be fiercely independent, to allow some of the most basic decisions I've been making on my own be passed onto someone else? *shakes head* My immediate reaction is no fucking way. But I also know part of me needs that.

There's been so much talk on Fetlife lately (at least in the Kiwi/NZ groups) about "mentoring" and "under consideration" and all the labels we kinky people put on various types of relationships. So many people calling bullshit on all of it, many people claiming heartfelt and purposeful reasons. Personally? I don't care what you call it. And this chance I've been given would, I hope, not be given a token title. It would simply come to fruition based on the caring of a someone wanting to help me out. That person just happens to be dominant and feels the help would be best used in the form of a D/s exchange.

I'm not sure I need his help. He feels I'm particularly vulnerable right now. I do not doubt him. I am vulnerable right now and I'm very cautious because of it. But it gets me thinking, wondering. Would it be beneficial? Could it help me a great deal?

I suppose I just need to talk to him with more specifics. Right now though, I think I still need some time to sort things out in my own mind.

The Song is Ended, But the Melody Lingers On

2009-05-23T20:23:00.006+12:00

For weeks now I have attempted to end things with Tanto. It seemed like every time I had made my mind up, we would talk about it. We would agree it was the best thing to do for everyone involved. But then we would again get lost in our love and passion for each other. And it always ended the same way; neither of us able to make that end happen. Both of us knowing it had to happen yet neither capable of actually doing it.

Well, for better or for worse, it has happened.

We managed to have some time together on Friday afternoon. I fully anticipated it to simply be fun sex and reconnection. That's certainly how it was building up in the hours before hand. And that is how it started. A belt around my throat, biting, forceful movements. It was delicious.

Something happened though. The details are no one else's business; the act itself will only be known by Tanto and me. He accidently trod well over a solid line of mine. Stepped past a hard limit. (We hadn't spoken of 'hard' and 'soft' limits persay, since he isn't hip on the specific bdsm lingo. But he knew this was an important principle to me that is a foundation of my sexual life.) He had feigned doing this particular thing in the past simply to fuck with my head and never actually did it. Yesterday afternoon, he did.

Tanto immediately knew something was wrong. He looked me in the eyes and said, "Mine." Normally this made me melt but this time I started crying and shook my head, whispering, "No, I'm not. Not anymore."

Only a few seconds. One moment of thoughtlessness. One moment of forgetfulness. One moment of...something. I honestly don't know what it was. But it was enough to break my trust. I do not believe it was in anyway meant in malice; I cannot conceive of him doing anything to someone he loves with malicious intent. But the road to hell is paved with good intentions. (I don't belive in hell, but whatever.)

We sat there for at least an hour, naked and holding each other on the floor as the room grew cold around us. So many tears shed and unshed. So much pain in two separate hearts. Eventually I took his necklace off and tried to hand it to him. He did not want it but I had to explain to him. If I kept it, it feels as if it's a door closed forever. That I could never hope for something like that again. I still have my wedding and engagement rings, the necklace my ex bought me to show his supposed dominance over me. They are symbols of pain and years spent trying for something that was not there. They serve as reminders of what not to allow myself to endure again. Trinkets of pain and sorrow.

With Tanto, despite all the heartache I have suffered over him, I do not want those kinds of negative symbols. He has shown me so many positive things and I need to be able to hope to find those again. Love in a single touch, a whispered word. The duality of gentle and rough. A devotion I was unsure if I could give to someone again. A connection unparalleled so far in my life. All of these things I want to remember and not the months of anguish from inside of myself over him. Keeping his necklace would close off my hope of having those again, with him or any other.

We are still in contact; I don't think either of us could endure such pain if we couldn't at least speak to each other about it. The love we have has not diminished. But he has many things to think about. Can he survive without an outlet for his demons that I gave him? Does he want to continue to hide whole parts of himself from his life partner? Does he want to embrace the alternative parts of himself or continue to live the societal dream? Of course these all sound as if my side is "right." That is simply my personal bias. The important part is he chooses to do what will make him happy.

I do not expect him to decide to embrace this, to embrace me openly. He has a settled, safe and comfortable life with his wife. There are too many variables and possibilities for failure if he leaves her. I expect him to sometime come to me to say his world needs to stay as it is. I would dearly love for him to "come to the dark side" but the fact is I do not know if it really is for him. He needs to decide that for himself.

As for me? I'm hurt, torn, lost. I've already forgiven him for that single act. That was the simple part. I am a very forgiving person and always willing to give people more chances. But this time there will be no more chances unless it can be on open terms. I need to accept that and move on, since I honestly do not believe that chance will come.

Quote in the title from Irving Berlin

One, Two, Buckle My Shoe!

2009-05-14T15:25:00.002+12:00

Tomorrow I have an appointment at the Sexual Health Clinic . (Anyone in the Auckland area - free and confidential screenings, with four different clinics Auckland wide. Their hours can be a bit annoying, but it's a great service.)

I do these twice a year, regularly now. A year ago I didn't have the need as I was quite a bit less sexually active. Now it's simply stupid not to do it.

But I do dread going. Not because I'm terribly worried that I've caught something; that's not why I go. I do take reasonable precautions to protect myself but it's not always enough. So it's a "just in case" sort of thing, peace of mind that I am still without problems. The safety measures I take cannot guarantee nothing will be transmitted, so safe is better than sorry.

The reason I don't like going terribly much is because I am actually afraid of being judged. Being stereotyped. Being looked down upon for enjoying my sexuality. Realistically, it's very rare that would happen. Who works at a sexual health clinic and not be open minded? It'd be a difficult role to fill if you couldn't be unbiased. But it is undeniable that women who have even a handful of sexual partners in the world today can be tarred with a very negative brush. Therefore it leaves me a little gun shy, as it were.

Actually, the last time I went the clinician started asking me all sorts of questions about the gang bangs when I finally told her about it. I had only attended a couple of them at that point and had a reasonable guesstimate of how many partners I'd had. So she asked why I was so unsure, what had changed in my life that put my sexual partner numbers up and I told her. She was surprised certainly, but intellectually interested in the concept.

This time, there's no way I can estimate how many partners there have been. I've attended at least 5 gang bangs since the last testing and I've gotten much braver since those first few. I cannot even tell you how many men I'd had sex with at the last event alone. There have been times where I've never seen their faces. I very rarely remember names and most of the time I don't even get names. Some of the *ahem* more potent of the men come back three or four times in one night. It's impossible to count on a single night, even more preposterous to try to remember from event to event who may have had sex with me at previous ones and is not technically a "new" partner.

So how the hell do I actually answer that number question?? It's one of the first things they ask. Last time, I tried to get away with the "I don't honestly know" and I think she viewed it as me being shy or embarrassed. That wasn't it in the slightest. Even back then I didn't have a definitive number for them.

I think this time I will just have to be straightforward. When they ask that ominous question, I'll just have to reply honestly. Let's see how the clinician reacts when one of the first things out of my mouth is, "I participate in gangs bangs and do not honestly know how many new sexual partners I have had in the past six months."

It sure will be interesting.

To the New and Old...

2009-05-12T12:59:00.004+12:00

At a time when I should be relying on my friends and allowing myself to be supported by them, I turn away. I turn to the inside, removing myself from most places and retreating into myself. It's just how I'm wired, how I was taught to deal with things growing up. There was no support from family and very little from friends since I didn't have many. I learned how to deal with things on my own, even if those ways were destructive. These days it's not so destructive but I still find it very hard to ask for help.

I have so many friends now. So many friends who are willing to help me through if I would simply let them. But especially now, I feel as if I have to do it all on my own. I got myself into this mess, I opened myself up to be hurt in this way, it should only be me who has to manage the consequences. Many of my friends warned me against getting involved with Tanto, predicted exactly what would happen. (Well, to an extent.) Some I wouldn't even really allow them to comment because I knew I wouldn't like what they would have to say. I knew they were right, somewhere inside, but wouldn't admit it. And since I didn't heed their warnings before even though they came from a place of caring I don't feel I deserve their support now when the inevitable has happened.

I have not talked to Tanto yet. We've been in contact but things are very much in limbo until we can actually see each other and talk freely, not over email or txt. But it doesn't stop me from feeling a loss already.

The support my friends are willing to give me is incredibly humbling. I don't understand what it is about me that makes them care so much. And it's even more puzzling when the friends are new acquaintances.

Eilen is one of those people right now. My goodness, we've been talking since February! It hasn't felt like that long at all. We have a kinship even though we haven't seen much of each other over these months. And she has offered so much support with out judgment, always reminding me that she is there and she cares. While I am interested in doing more with her and she is aware of this, I've left the ball in her court to take it at her pace. Meanwhile, I am enjoying her energy and the comfort of knowing she is there. (And she gives awesome cuddles.)

The ones that surprise me the most is Amabile and Piacere. (Lots of new names..sorry!) They are a couple who have just emerged into the local scene but have been together for years and have a 24/7 D/s relationship. I first met them at the last party at Sparty's. He introduced themselves, then complimented me on both the ropework I had done and my scene with Verva. They were impressed by both. At the time though, I didn't get to chat anymore as a friend needed some help. The next time I saw them was at a birthday play party, and I actually went for drinks with them beforehand, as the couple escorting me to the party had set up the get together. At the party, I had showed Piacere some of my rope stuff and he enlisted me to help play with Amabile. I was also invited to come have dinner with them at their home this past Friday night.

So...only about 2 weeks of really having contact with them. And they have offered so much. Constantly reminding me I'm able to call/email/txt either of them about anything. That they are a safe place, without judgment. At the end of the night last Friday, I asked them about posting about them in my blog. I warned them, since my blog is linked in my Fetlife profile, that anyone from the scene here who reads my blog would most definitely put two and two together, figuring out who they were. Piacere's response was, "I would be honored if anyone came to associate me with you," and asked Amabile if she agreed. Which she did. They have seen something in me, something deeper than most people see. I am in awe at their honesty and trust in such a short time and tremendously humbled at all they have offered.

How have I gotten so lucky to have so many caring people in my life? Dee, her Adonis and Aphrodite, Kapelle, Verva, the newest additions of Eilen, Ambile and Piacere, along with so, so many I haven't even put names to here yet. I simply don't know what to do with it all.

It is not so much our friends' help that helps us as the confident knowledge that they will help us.
~Epicurus

Warning: Rant Ahead

2009-05-11T12:32:00.002+12:00

I'm surprised by the NZ Herald today. This article, "How Porn Became the Norm" seems to be a rather positive take on something many adults incorporate into their life. Full of statistics from other countries and personal comments from local sex club owners, for the most part it paints porn in a somewhat decent light. It does give pros and cons, giving a brief glimpse into some of the controversy over porn in the past year. Sadly, it ends on several negative notes. Therapists proclaiming it's "not common" for porn and intimacy to mix well. The issue of pornography causing distorted views of ideal attractiveness (like porn is more widely viewed than anything else in the mainstream media *rolls eyes*). And another psychotherapist stating that "realistic sexual conversations" are not actually happening as a result of couples watching porn, despite that the survey quoted in the NZ Herald article indicates people's personal experience with porn has been "overwhelmingly positive." I'm also not that impressed with the seemingly gentle terminology used when discussing 'alternative' subgenres of porn then to immediately come out with the term BDSM, which is not widely known. For a mainstream article though, it's not too bad.

The saddest thing about this though, is a companion article published at exactly the same time is entitled "Addicted to the Porn Habit" and even ends with 10 questions that may indicate you have a "pornography problem" if you answer yes to any of them.

This makes me furious. With the first article, it could be seen as a possible turn around in the acceptance of pornography as healthy for adults (barely). The argument has been around for a long time. But to immediately follow that up with what is a very serious article about addiction? It insinuates a connection. More implied evidence for those who have a negative view of porn, and sexuality as a whole, that it is wrong and dangerous! Is every article debating the building of a new casino or changes to gambling laws followed by a scathing warning article about the dangers of gambling addiction? Is the Fashion section article about the latest trends closely followed by how shopping can become an obsession and ruin someone's life? Yeah, right.

Anything in life can become an addiction. Alcohol, drugs, gambling, shopping, porn, working, having children, internet use. Anything can become an obsession and have harmful effects on a person's life. The answer to any one of them is dealing with it, through acceptance/therapy/support etc. Does that make buying yourself a new outfit at the mall a potential for addiction? How about me buying myself another fairy to add to my collection?

An addiction is a serious problem. Porn at appropriate times, like everything in life, is not a serious problem. Hell, maybe I need to go book in a whole group of my friends for that sex addicts therapy group next month, since we all have watched porn together while eating pizza or denigrated into an orgy after a munch. No, it wasn't just fun times spent with friends, it must be an indicator that we're all sex craving lunatics who need professional help.

Please notice the garbage-truck-load of sarcasm in the last couple sentences, thanks.

The Dance

2009-05-09T19:02:00.000+12:00

Outside the lightning splits the sky, the thunder rumbling on its heels. The rain pounds on the roof and an unearthly darkness has fallen. Inside is almost just as dark. The lamps on the wall glow only slightly. Despite the wind howling outside the room is quiet and warm.

At the corner of the four poster bed, he watches her. He's tied her hands up and around the pillar, stretching her arms high. The bar between her legs keeps them spread, her lips glistening with the rush of her predicament. The slight fear in her movements is sustenance he feeds on. Her breathing shallow and rough, trying to turn to find his presence despite the sash covering her eyes and stealing her sight. She raises up on tiptoes in a weak attempt to swing the rope above the bed free. Her squirming and restlessness only fuels his desires more. How much longer will she struggle? How much longer can he watch but not touch? He allows her mind to take her away, to do all the hardest work for him. By the time he emerges from the dark shadows she will be unable to resist him. Too frantic is her inner self, fighting to be free yet yearning to be taken.

Noiselessly he approaches her from behind. As usual she is too stirred to notice. The crop lands loudly on her buttock and she yelps in surprise, her whole body tensing against the smooth, carved wood she cannot escape from. He drinks in every detail of her. The soft pink mark rising from her milky skin. The parting of her lips as she breathes heavily. The slight sheen of sweat making her skin shimmer from her exertions. She turns her head in his direction, sightless yet wanting. Waiting. Silently pleading with him to do more, to take more.

The lightning flashes, brightening the room for a moment. And he bides his time. Enjoying the debauched sight of her, naked and at his will. Her soft and sensuous curves alluring, delicate female features crying out for torment. Oh, he knows just how to play her tune.

The crop slides up and down her sides raising goosebumps in its wake. She breathes more heavily and tiny moans escape her pouting lips. Purposefully keeping his distance from her, not allowing her the intimacy of his bodily presence, he lightly taps the crop along the delicate skin of her inner thighs. Then the leather tip strokes her full pussy lips and she thrusts her hips back, wanton. Immediately he lands his bare hand on her ass hard, the sound echoing through the room followed by her cry.

"Only when I want you to feel pleasure will you have it, girl," he rasps into her ear. She whimpers and writhes, wishing for his body pressed against hers.
"Please Sir, please..." she begs almost imperceptibly.

He strikes her ass again, harder than before as he growls at her impertinence. The loud "smack" repeats several times, his hand alternating sides. She cries out as the intensity and continuous pain resonates into her. Hearing her near the edge of her tolerance, he hits each cheek one extra time even more severely. Sobbing once, she collapses herself against the pillar.

Cruelly, he strokes her wetness once, fingers teasing her entrance briefly. Just as quickly his touch is gone from her skin. He retreats to the shadows once again, to watch and wait. All night he will lead this dance until she truly surrenders herself. Until she accepts her fate as his, again.

Tears

2009-05-07T11:46:00.002+12:00

Sadly...no HNT today. I'm having problems with my dinky laptop and photo editing software. I have some random third party digital editing software, but whenever I resize images in that program the quality of the image goes way down. (Even when trying to lock the pixel resolution.) I'm certainly aware of how crappy some of my past pictures have been in this regard and am loathe to continue it. I've tried Gimp but sadly my old hunk of a laptop doesn't run it very well. Keeps crashing on me if I do anything else at the same time. (Usually a "Windows is out of virtual memory" error.) Any suggestions for me folks?

I've had a very emotional week. A friend has finally convinced me that I cannot stay with Tanto. While I don't like talking about it here before I've had the conversation with him, he is aware it is coming. It's not possible to have that conversation via txt (especially when it costs so much with him out of country!) but I did tell him it was on my mind. He said he hoped I was ok, I replied I was anything but ok and he asked what was wrong. I was reluctant but he wanted to know, so I told him. But I can feel he's not going to let me go without a fight.

I don't know what's going to happen. I've cried more in the past two days than I have in some time while I've been alone. There have been lots of tears with Tanto, but normally while in his presence. Which is uncommon in itself. But the past two nights I've been very close to crying myself to sleep over what already feels like a huge loss. I've even been crying on the bus on the way home from work. Tears are not easy for me, ingrained from childhood that it is a weakness, something not to be tolerated. Something to be chastised and disallowed. It takes immense grief to make me cry and even then I try to stop long before I really should. I haven't found a way to let them come and simply be. I haven't been able to allow them their due, although I desperately need to learn. I'm just not sure how.

The tears come, unbidden.
But I dash them away,
afraid my heart is too fragile,
and it cannot last the day.

The tears come, unwilling.
Heavy is the grief,
heavy on my heart and soul,
and there is no relief.

The tears come, unwanted.
If only you could see,
be here to wipe the tears away,
and let us be together and free.

The tears come; they are needed.
The darkness in my heart
is tempered by a deep, undying love,
but that is why we must part.

My tears are your tears
and your tears are mine.
Love is a terrible force
best left to the divine.

~ kiana

The Topping On the Cake

2009-05-04T12:56:00.002+12:00

I found myself topping on the weekend again. It wasn't a full "scene" like I had with Verva (although I would hardly call what we did a scene anyway) but simply helping a dominant play with his girl.

Again, it came in the form of playing with rope. Someone had requested that I bind my hair like I had for the last fetish party, so I did. And this dominant asked if I'd show him sometime. I grabbed some of my rope and showed him immediately. He then went on to talk to me about some other rope fun he'd had in mind but wouldn't do in a completely private scene with just the two of them due to safety. A little later the female of the couple came up to me, asking if I would be willing to help her Master out with a scene. I said yes, as I like the couple and hey - chance to have fun!

He asked me to put a chest harness on her out of rope. I'm not terribly good with it yet, but I do a passable job. So I put a basic harness on her and then he took over, trussing her up in a very yummy position. I sat nearby, simply watching, getting terribly aroused watching him play with her. He had taken a small cane out and when I finally decided to take myself away to play with myself he said my name and handed the cane to me! (They had seen my play with Verva at the aforementioned fetish night.) Being me, I couldn't say no! I took the proffered cane and had some fun of my own, being very careful as I didn't know the pretty lady. But I think she enjoyed my contribution, especially since she didn't take the harness off until it was time to go home! :)

It simply gets me to wondering. How have I come from never thinking I'd be able to be dominant or top to doing it so often? Ok, "so often" is probably an understatement at this point. But I can see myself doing it regularly. I've grown in leaps and bounds in the past year regarding my sexuality. Why does it surprise me so that I've come to enjoy topping?

I suppose I'm fighting the notion that I'm somehow becoming less submissive because of it. I'm certainly not; the need and desire is still there. My personality hasn't changed. I just seem to have learned a new way to please people. And that's where the joy comes out of it for me, not the being in control part.

A few years ago I learned the term "service Top" from a class Midori taught at the first Southern Exposure. I think that's about where I fit in the spectrum of play when it comes to topping. I'm not doing it for the feeling of control (being dominant) but I'm also not doing it simply because I like the act of caning or hurting someone (the topping part). The simplest form of service Top can be someone who does a specific act as directed by someone else for their own pleasure. So, if a dominant particularly likes, say, flogging, s/he may instruct their submissive to do it to them. The submissive would still be following orders, still serving his/her dominant but doing it in an unconventional way.

I come at it from a more free-form way, knowing what a person likes and giving it to them. Verva certainly didn't tell me to tie her to a chair and cane her. I knew, generally, what she liked and just felt compelled to play with her. (In fact, I had no idea what I was doing that night. It was all improvised.) It came from a place of wanting to please her, give her what she liked and wanted. I fed on her energy, her pleasure. The rush was not a feeling of having power or control over her. It was not a feeling of enjoyment from giving her pain. And similarly this weekend, putting on the harness was a joy of being able to enhance someone else's scene, help those people enjoy their time more than they might have on their own. The motivation comes wholly from wanting to do something for the other person or people. To add to what they already create or to create something for someone else.

Maybe I'm just trying to put a spin on things to satisfy my own insecurities about my submission right now? I'm not sure. I've heard some dominant and tops say they do what they do for their partner before. Who knows. At least for now, I can't really accept that I'm enjoying topping for the sake of myself.

Is It Time?

2009-05-02T16:16:00.008+12:00

Today, Tanto gets married. There is certainly a sense of loss within me. Part of it is because I want to be there with him and share this important day. Another part is the reason why I can't be and the fact he will never share his whole life with me.

This is not a forever relationship. I know that. I personally don't feel any relationship can be considered "forever" and that people who enter into relationships expecting that will be disappointed. Maybe a little cynical of me, but hey. It's what my experiences have taught me. A view of "this relationship is going to be lasting," I feel, is better than saying forever.

So I know what I have with Tanto will end. When? I don't know. But I do know that I have had enough of being single and don't want to be it any longer. I understand why people say a person has to be on their own before they can really be fully present in a relationship. I've had time, almost a year now, and it has taught me a lot. One thing it has taught me is that I will not be happy being on my own.

I've had some awesome times in the past year. I have learned a lot. Met some of the best people I know. Experienced a whole slew of new things. But have I been happy? Not really. With out someone to dedicate myself to I always feel slightly lost. With out purpose.

This past year has shown me that the submissive part of myself will not go away. It is a large part of my personality. It might hide quite well, be buried under walls built to protect myself, and be difficult to bring out but it is there and it's not going anywhere.

So I find myself wishing. Wishing Tanto could be what I need, wishing I could find what I need. Thinking that maybe I should start looking for a serious relationship of my own. Someone to be a "primary" with, despite those labels being below par. But for the most part, I've realised the chances of finding what I want and need in NZ are pretty slim. I just feel it's too small.

I need to stay in NZ for quite a few years yet though. I have debt to get rid of and have study options here in NZ. But beyond that, I will need to be heading back to the States.

So what do I do about wanting a relationship? Most people are looking for "forever" relationships. I find people tend to not want to invest in something unless it can be guaranteed to last. How do I go about finding something I know will only last a handful of years when others don't see things that way? What do I do about my wants and needs? Casual play is fun but I do need something more.

I'm also afraid to put myself out there. Afraid I will be shown I'm not actually desirable or wanted or something to be prized. Scared that my issues (yes, I admit I have quite a few) are actually too much to overcome and I'm no longer able to submit to someone properly. Worried that I will not be able to find what I'm looking for.

I have learned a bit more about what I am looking for though. I'll need to start putting that down in words instead of just flashes in my head. Can't get it if I can't qualify it, right?

Black & White

2009-05-01T12:20:00.003+12:00

Probably the biggest thing that having Tanto in my life has taught me is that things are never as black and white as I'd like them to be. It is a lesson I learn again and again, and think it will be one that I will be go through many more times in my life.

I enjoy firm boundaries. Lines drawn in concrete rather than sand. Actions are either right or wrong with no in between. The world is black and white with no gray area. I know my views on the world are still quite naive, innocent and purist. I still am surprised when I learn that other people believe differently than I do. (Not that I feel their beliefs are wrong; I just forget that other people don't see the world in my way.)

Before I knew Tanto I believed anyone who could cheat on their partner was inherently a bad person. But I've learned with him that love can sometimes be part of the reason the cheating happens. He does not tell his partner that he can love others, does love others because he does not think she will be able to handle it. That she would be devastated. And he doesn't want to hurt her. They have a good life together. In a strange way, it's out of love that he does not share this part of him. He is a wonderful man, deserving of all that good things that come to him. I feel he is a confused and somewhat lost soul, but still good at heart. And I don't think I'm a bad person for being involved with him, when just 6 months ago I would have said anyone involved in cheating was bad.

In a more general sense - a man finds other women to have sex with because his wife does not fulfill him (or the other way around) but in every other way their life is wonderful and he loves her. They may have a family or not, but aside from this one part of their lives they fit perfectly. (Let's pretend it's possible, ok?) The choice would be to potentially ruin their lives together and separate their family by communicating in order to fulfill this one need, ignore the need and eventually drive the relationship to ruin because of building resentment with the lack of needs being met, or fulfill it in secret? I can see now how cheating could become the most desirable option for those who conform to the overall of society's values.

I am astounded at how much acceptance cheating gets in the everyday world. Not one person that has found out about Tanto and me has blinked. It's accepted as part of life for most. (I have not talked to Dee about it yet. I am scared for she is my best friend and I know she does not condone what is happening.)

And yet, I still feel cheating is wrong. Even though I am, at this very moment, helping someone do it. I told myself I would never be in this position. I would not be party to such a betrayal of trust. Honesty means more to me. But then, I've never been in that situation so how can I judge?

I suppose I am just seeing a different side to it. Can one really ignore one's heart? I haven't been able to. Despite how much it goes against my beliefs, I simply can not pull myself away from it.

So, I've learned that I can not tar a person on the single fact that they cheat or have cheated. In some instances, it is because a person is bad. Because they just don't care enough. But sometimes it can come from a loving place. Misguided and confused, but still a place of love.

I do think I will always push for openness and honesty. (Believe me, I have pushed Tanto about this quite hard. But he has not budged.) To bring up problems and try to resolve them together. To not hide things of such importance from those around. It's just how I wish my life to be. But some people can not take the step to live that way themselves. And I have to be ok with that.

Butterfly

2009-04-30T16:00:00.002+12:00

She remembers when she first got her wings

And how she opened up that day
she learned to sing
Then the colors came, erased the
black and white
And her whole world changed
when she realized

She's a butterfly, pretty as the crimson sky
Nothing's ever gonna bring her down
And everywhere she goes
Everybody knows she's so glad to be alive
She's a butterfly

Like the purest light in a darkened world
So much hope inside such a lovely girl
You should see her fly, it's almost magical
It makes you wanna cry, she's so beautiful.

~She's a Butterfly, Martina McBride

An enormous thanks to Dee's Adonis for my very first scratchie, and to him and Dee for my pretty pictures.

Reasons and Introspection

2009-04-30T10:49:00.002+12:00

I'm feeling quite a bit better now. I think my emo-ness on Monday afternoon was a combination of missing Tanto and coming down from some pretty awesome play on the weekend. (Pics coming later today!)

Tanto and I have managed to connect at least once a day now. Our phone bills will be paying for it at the end of the month, that's for sure. But the contact is needed. I'm trying not to think about the situation too much because ultimately I am not happy with it. And I will never be, because it goes against my want to live an open and honest life. But weighing that against what has developed between us and what that brings me (and him) is too enormous to decipher.

I do need to think about the situation though. Actually, I was told to be thinking about it while he is away. It came in the form of seeing him as a "reason" person in my life and to figure out what that reason could be. When Tanto first gave me this task I immediately wanted to tell him no. Because if he is only a reason person in my life it means there is a finite end to him being in my life, which I did not want to think about. But he has asked me to do it and I will.

How on earth can I figure that out though? Normally one does not discern that sort of thing until a significant amount of time has gone by and is looking back in hindsight. I'm not at that place. So I've come to see it as working out what he's taught me so far. What has changed in me since coming to know him. How he has impacted me, my personality, my beliefs and my life.

There are a couple things that standout instantly. (And probably are the most interesting for anyone reading..heh.) Tanto has actually taught me quite a bit about sex. Astonishing, if you knew both him and me.

I have enjoyed 'vanilla' sex with him. Never before in my life had I enjoyed it enough to want to do it again with that person. I'm sure most of this has to do with the love we have for each other. I have loved and do love other people I have sex with, but the connection Tanto and I have is something I truly cannot put into words. Even with my husband in the early days it was not the same. (But no two relationships are ever the same. Because no two people are the same.) There is a reciprocation that I have not felt before. I do not doubt the love other people have for me but for the first time it feels as if the devotion I give to those I love so deeply is being returned. That sounds crazy, considering the circumstances. But Tanto is poly in his heart and can love more than one at a time. And I can feel it. So that's why I think 'vanilla' sex has worked with him.

He's also shown me that you don't need all sorts of toys to play with bdsm. I've always known that but no one had shown me physically just how true it really is. The only things fetish-y he's had at his disposal was my collar and leash. And yet he came up with so many ways to include bdsm. Using my tight t-shirt to pin my arms above my head, his belt around my throat, clothes pegs, biting. But mainly his previous martial arts training has been incredible - knowing where on the body he can punch with out much risk of serious damage, knowing how he can move my limbs to immobilise me with just his body. I still have some bruising from the deep impact of his fist on my ass, almost 2 weeks later. Unbelievable, for me.

Hm. Not nearly as interesting as I thought. Oh well - writing for me is how I figure these things out. You'll just have to put up with me :-P

Lonliness

2009-04-27T18:52:00.002+12:00

Loneliness is about the scariest thing out there.
~ Joss Whedon

I dislike feeling alone. Physically, I may not be alone. But alone in heart...that's a different thing.

Tanto is gone. He flew out on Saturday afternoon. Luckily, Kapelle had planned one of his workshops for Saturday so a lot of friends were here. It kept me occupied and from thinking too much about Tanto. And on Sunday, Kapelle had someone here and invited me to spend time with them.

Time is what I fear right now. Time combined with a lack of something to do. Because then I will start thinking. Thinking about Tanto, the things we have, the things we can't have, the way things will change, what can actually work, what won't work, the possibility of actually ruining his life by simply loving him. My brain just keeps going and going. And my heart aches.

Tanto sent me a quick email while he had a layover in Singapore. One line stands out:

"Never felt so alone as when I turned off my phone to you."

I almost cried when he told me he was turning off his phone. The tears were there, wanting to come but I wouldn't allow them. (Sadly, it is ingrained in me from childhood that crying is bad.) It felt like a connection was being severed. Any communication I have with him in the next two weeks will be sporadic at best. And I have felt so entirely alone today. Normally, we chat via txt in the morning, email during the day, txt after work and before I go to bed. We are in almost constant contact. So today I felt the gaping hole left by his absense.

I hate to sound so lovey-dovey and pathetic. I have a life outside of Tanto. But he simply makes things that little bit brighter. Someone to share my whole life with, even down to the most mundane things.

I need to get a grip. Life is certainly not going to be peachy keen when he is back in NZ. I'm not sure if it will be worse, having him so near but inaccessible. If this loss of contact completely will seem like a walk in the park compared to having communication and sharing but (almost) no possibility of physical contact.

*sighs* It's only two weeks, right?

My Rope!

2009-04-26T20:21:00.011+12:00

For the most recent fetish night, I needed to come up with an outfit. (Something I need to do for every party, but this one felt kinda special.) Kapelle held his first workshop only a few weeks prior, which was all about rope. One of our friends who attended found some awesome cotton rope at Payless Plastics and I took some off of his hands, paying him back later in the week. It was a very natural color, not bleached to a bright white. This would not do for the fairy girl, liking lots of color. (I purposefully try not to wear black to munches or events *grin*) So I set out to dye my newly acquired rope.

I found this YouTube clip of the Two Knotty Boys showing how to dye your own rope. I used that as a basis for my little project.

So, here's my rope:

(Click on any picture for a larger version)

I went out to find some dye, and came home with these Dylon powder dyes, from a local emporium, suitable for hot salt water setting:

This is where the fun began. I put a pot of water on the stove, enough to allow the length of rope I was dying to be completely submerged. The specific dye I used suggested in its instrustions to dissolve the dye in 500 mL of water before adding to the pot, so I did. (Be very careful what the dye touches. I'd never used it before and didn't realise it would literally stain anything it touched!) Now, I'm all set to start!

The already dyed water went into the main pot. I added two heaping tablespoons of table salt to the water now, as opposed to what TKB say, as I was using my dye packet instructions. A good stir, and I then could feed the rope into the pot gradually.

The water needed to simmer slightly and stirring the rope every 5 minutes is needed. This is so the rope does not manage to stick itself to the bottom of the pot, burning itself. Yummy colors!!

After 20 minutes (so after the fourth stir) the element got turned off and I let the rope sit for a final 5 minutes. Then the water gets poured out and the "difficult" part is over!

That's the rope sitting in my sink! A lovely dark red, but a lot of the dye actually rinses out. Popping on some gloves, the rope got rinsed under cold water.

This is actually quite a tedious part, as you need to rinse until the water runs clear. There's a lot of dye that comes out! I stood there for a good 10 minutes rinsing, squeezing every part of the rope out to remove all the excess dye. From here, it's quite simple!

I just tossed the rope in the washing machine (with no detergent, but you can use it) and ran it on a cool cycle, double rinse and no spin. We have a front loader, so if you have an agitator you really need to put it in an old pillowcase to keep it from getting wrapped around it. You can put it in a pillowcase anyway, which will keep it from tangling in itself.

When that was done, I popped it in the dryer because I'm impatient. You can tie it up to dry, or just put it in low or no heat in the dryer. Once it's done, voila! Pretty colors of rope!

My outfit for the fetish night. All of the rope tying was done by me. After putting so much effort into my rope, I realised that I do not like sharing it. Kapelle had asked me and I balked at the very thought! I'm normally quite good at sharing my toys. But not my rope! It feels like something too personal to share. I'll gladly use it on other people (as Verva learned that night) but not for other people to use it on other people. Call me selfish ;)

Claiming

2009-04-24T13:00:00.003+12:00

A blissful moment - sitting at his feet while watching a movie, his hand holding the chain leash attached to the leather collar around my neck. It feels calm, peaceful, right.

The chain is suddenly pulled taut and the pressure continues, forcing my head to tilt back to look up at him. I see the glint in his eye, the beast inside him wanting to come out to play.

I'm pushed to the floor in one swift motion, the chain sliding through his fingers keeping the tension. He lands astride my waist and leans down to kiss me fiercely. My arms are wrenched above my head and he slowly twines the chain about my wrists as he growls in my ear. The cold chain chilling my skin. His teeth bite into the cartilage, making me squeak and squeal. The chain bites into my wrists, pinching sharply and making me wince. The handle of the leash gets tucked in somehow, keeping the chain in place as he grabs a large fistful of hair.

And then he pulls. But he's not just pulling hair - he's pulling me. I scramble as best I can but he still is doing most of the movement, my body being led by his grip. Using his strength to manhandle me into whatever position he chooses.

There is no denying this excites me. Being at his will and his whim whenever he so chooses. My breathing is short, moans escaping from deep within. And when he mounts me to mark his claim I am more than ready for him.

Tokens

2009-04-23T11:23:00.003+12:00

A connection that was unexpected.
A relationship blossoming.

Love and desire mingled to create an unbreakable link.
The fire of passion always bubbling below the surface,
waiting to boil over.

A single touch releases the heart to endless joy.

A touch that will seldom be.

But the connection is strong.
The two joined, creating something more.

Simple reminders,
raising memories of ecstasy.
Tokens from the heart,
to symbolise his ownership.
Reinforcing my place in his heart,
my place at his feet.

A Bittersweet Evening

2009-04-22T15:18:00.002+12:00

Normally on Tuesday nights I go to orchestra rehearsal. With school holidays on, and the fact it's a youth orchestra, there aren't any rehearsals at the moment. Tanto invited me to come around to his place for the night.

I've been having a bit of a difficult time emotionally lately. I know, I know, I've put myself into that position. But there's a lot more going on than what I blog about here as well. That's life. Tanto could feel this and simply allowed me to hide away for a bit. We started making dinner but I was feeling very insecure and he parked me on the couch with my book. We chatted as we ate, then I watched an episode of Futurama as he did some of his own things on the computer. After the episode I went in and sat at his feet for a bit. Just needing to be near him and he allowed it. By that time it was already 8:30 and close to my bedtime. He sent me off to shower and get ready for bed.

All night he had been asking me what was happening in my head. I simply couldn't say it. Knowing myself, I told him I'd likely be able to talk about it once we got into bed. Cuddled up warm in bed next to someone with the lights out is where I feel safest to talk about the things that hurt me the most. And once we were settled I was able to.

My head on his chest, one arm tucked up under his shoulder, the other on his thigh, our legs entwined, we talked in hushed voices. About how much we mean to each other. Admissions to the depth of our relationship that neither of us dared hope for or expect. Tears came to my eyes when he said he would miss me, how much pain I could hear in his voice. Because I will be losing him in the way we've had these past few weeks.

It truly felt like a goodbye.

He spoke of the things I've done for him. How I've accepted him, deepest darkest secrets and all, to finally have someone on the outside say those parts of him were ok. It wasn't so much the words that moved me. He's spoken some of them before. But the pure unadulterated gratitude I heard in his voice and the realisation on my part of just how much this meant to him, how deeply it moved him. How it has helped him accept and love himself more for my simple acceptance of who he is in totality.

I spoke to him of how he's changed me. How I had never submitted my spirit to someone out of pure want and desire instead of need. Of how he's shown me that love has so many more forms than I've seen before. That the world is not so black and white as I'd like it to be. Of how my walls have tumbled before him like sand through an outstretched hand and given me myself back.

After such an outpouring of emotion, we fell silent. There simply were no more words. But such strong feelings and connections create another state of need. I began to let my hands roam, lightly touching his skin the way he likes. Scratching his scalp, caressing his cheek. I never wanted to stop touching him. Kissing his chest, my hand took long strokes up and down his side, from thigh to arm. An electric touch to my fingers, making him twitch and shiver in pleasure. A sharp intake of breath when my hand passed his groin. A moan as I took his cock into my hand, wrapping my fingers around the shaft and just holding gently. I could feel the pulse of his blood in my fingers. Slowly I ran my hand up and down, reaching up to kiss him, his tongue seeking out mine. I kissed under his chin, along his collarbone. Languidly I traced a line with my lips, kissing down his chest. My tongue probed his belly button as I teased my way down.

With his cock pressed strongly against his stomach, I didn't have far to go. I licked the tip, savoring the warm softness. After a few strokes of my tongue I took the head in my mouth, accompanied by Tanto moaning and arching his back. I allowed my hands to start caressing again, sometimes firm and sometimes faint. With the length of him enveloped by my warmth, I slowly pressed on a little further, his head easing into my throat. His hips pushed further, up and down only slightly as he was lost in the pleasure.

I rose up to the head of the bed to kiss him again. More hushed whispers are shared, declarations of love and desire. Despite it being my bedtime, our night of what felt like desperate final love making had only begun. The warmest of fulfilling feelings combined with the sorrow of what will be lost. That night we would enjoy what we had.

Determining Value

2009-04-20T12:27:00.002+12:00

I hesitate to use the word "control" as the bdsm world knows it when it comes to the new found step in the relationship between Tanto and me. He hasn't actually taken a hand in much, yet, and my life continues on as normal with barely any change in daily routines.

My thoughts on that are backed up by the very definition of control, from dictionary.com, as being "to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command." The term possess seems to fit my idea better: "To have as belonging to one; have as property." Just because you own something doesn't mean you always use it for its intended purpose, right? Tanto has the ability to do all the normal D/s things with me but he simply does not feel the want at the moment. I'm fine with that - this is very much a fluid dynamic that is complicated and will take time to hash out, as well as the fact that I need to stay somehow independent of him due to circumstances.

But I am his possession. It just feels like the right word to put to it.

The other weekend, as a reward for carrying out the tasks he set me successfully, he wanted me to play with myself for him. We lay in bed, his hands on my skin while my hands were busy down below. Even with my bullet vibrator and favorite glass dildo, it simply wasn't working. I would get close then it would slip away from me. I'm not very comfortable masturbating with others watching so in some way it made a bit of sense. But he had asked me to do this for him and I really wanted to give it to him. He told me to stop, that it was ok but I begged to try again. I was overcome with the need to do as he wished, give him this part of me that very few get to see. So I tried again and it still just didn't work.

Once I finally accepted it wasn't happening and tossed my toys aside I curled up on the edge of the bed facing away from him. I don't take failure well at the best of time, and when I fail at something as a submissive I take it very badly. My demons come out to wreak havoc; the parts of me that still believe I'm worthless and can't do anything right. Those thoughts came screaming into my head in a rush. If I couldn't do something so routine as orgasm from masturbating for him, what good could I possibly be? How could he possibly want to own someone who can't complete simple tasks? My body wracked with thundering sobs I could hear him calling my name, trying to drag me back to reality.

He was telling me to turn back to him. To not run away, not allow myself to pull back from him. He repeated himself over and over. Do not run from me, come here. Do not run. After a few moments (which at the time felt like a lifetime) I gained enough control of that particular demon to roll back toward him and he wrapped him arms around me. He continued to speak to me as I slowly calmed down. I breathed deeply at his command, slowing the speed of my breath and my mind. Then he ordered me to look at him.

Tanto had been using forced eye contact already with me. This time was different. Once I managed to raise my eyes to him he spoke softly but with strong conviction.

"Your value is mine to determine. I own your demons. They are mine to control. I determine your value."

Something in me simply ... clicked. Very rarely can someone take control of this part of me and almost immediately the thoughts stopped. Something solidified inside. No longer would I be able to second guess my own worth; those demons would obey. I do know how valuable I am and what a strong person I am in many ways. But those demons always manage to chip slowly away at myself, giving credence to the voices of my past who spoke those words. If someone else, the someone I belong to is the one who determines my worth and value, those demons have very little sway.

A few more times in the past week they have come up. At little times, as they always do. Somehow Tanto is able to ascertain it's happening and gives me a reminder. That as his possession, he decides if I have failed and he sets the benchmark. Not me. I can see through his eyes just how much I am and how much I can be. I just need to learn to see it with all of myself as well.

It's a slippery slope to ride. I have to be able to hold myself up on my own, have to keep my own personal sense of worth and value without his input. Someday he won't be there to determine these things. Hopefully, that someday will only happen when I/we are ready for it to happen. But for now, I feel strengthened, supported and in some strange way, more myself with Tanto in the role he's taken in my life.

Time Ticks Down

2009-04-19T19:38:00.005+12:00

When I finally asked and found out Tanto is leaving the country next weekend, I decided I simply had to spend this weekend with him. He had no objections, although he did want me to attend the local munch because it is something I almost always do. But the way things are right now and how they will be are drastically different. Mainly, there will be no other chances to have whole weekends with Tanto. And I'm a selfish girl at times. I wanted to take all the opportunity life has given me to have time with him.

So I whisked myself down the road after work on Friday to be in his presence. I know that this time has been somewhat purely out of fantasy. There was little real life involved; us both doing some chores on Saturday afternoon but the majority of the time was spent just being with each other and doing what pleased us at the time. Whether that was cuddling, chatting, teasing or sexy fun stuff. (And there was lots of the last.)

There were more moments of him reiforcing his possession of me. This is the part I think will be the hardest once he is back in New Zealand. We will not have much in person time for that connection to be reestablished and strengthened. And that connection is the lifeblood of what this relationship has become I think. I do not want to lose it.

I wonder how it will work.
I wonder if I can handle it.
I wonder whether he can manage the various relationship changes, both with me and his partner.
I wonder how this love can be so deep.
I wonder if the love will endure.

It's another time I need to give in. I need to accept. Simply allow things to happen as they do and not to stress, worry and wile away hours pondering on things I can neither predict nor change.

Tanto granted two requests I had made. I had been falling asleep literally holding my cell phone, as it has been my only connection to him (yay for Vodafone Best Mates). We went shopping on Saturday and he bought me a stuffed toy to sleep with. Somehow I ended up with an elephant, who still needs to be named. (I did take off the ugly plaid bow at his neck!) He also indulged my need of a physical reminder of his possession - a simple silver necklace he purchased today without me. He had to guess as to the sizing but it turned out to fit perfectly. There was no pomp or circumstance to him putting it on. I simply turned, lifted my hair and he clasped it on. I turned back to him and we embraced with a sweet and loving kiss.

I have a lot to think and wonder about, writing it all out at his request. I hope to get to see him again before he leaves, if only for one more hug.

An Unexpected Twist...

2009-04-15T12:20:00.002+12:00

I haven't written about Tanto for some time. Mainly that is because I had finally let my mind rest. I stopped over-thinking things, stopped analysing and tried to simply accept. Accept that something would happen, in its own time and its own way. And that I could not deny my heart what it had come to desire - Tanto simply being in my life.

Our relationship finally became physical a few weeks ago. That, I expected. Where else could it go? The chemistry and spark we create when together, either alone or not, is extraordinary. He showed me things in just a few hours together that I hadn't experienced before in my life.

What happened this past weekend, I had never dreamed of.

We have talked in the past about the fact I'm submissive - duh, it's such a huge part of me it's hard not to talk about. I would occasionally manage to drain my passion for it out to him, allowing my frustrations go. And for some time he had actually been holding back a need of his own. To simply take me over, control me completely, possess me as I desired. A few times he had spoken very briefly of it to me but I passed it off as more of an impulse at specific moments of weakness in me that brought it out in him.

Seems it wasn't just impulse. Because somehow, in some strange way, he's taken possession. I've submitted to him. And he has control.

*shakes head* It's all so confusing. He's not quite a dominant. He's more of a guide, a protector than simply a person wanting control. He's never done something quite like this before and I hesitate to make suggestions, because he has taken that control. There's been almost no negotiation. No rules. No checklist gone over. It's a shift in perception and perspective.

There were so many amazing moments this past weekend. His partner has gone to their home country and we had unlimited time together. I wore my collar for a large part of the weekend. He gave me some small tasks. Sitting at his feet, his hand holding my leash. Feeling whole. But he made certain, several times, to reinforce the fact that he has me and all of my being is under his control.

The words are just not here. It felt like a dream and I was dreading Tuesday morning and the trek back to real life. But I was oddly calm and peaceful. Things that normally would have bothered me didn't. It's like something has shifted into place. There is very little change in my day to day life because of this happening but such a huge and strange transformation within me.

And I'm giving him something as well. He's been allowed to let his dark side out a bit and being given free reign to do as he wishes in a way he's never experienced before. Already he's shown incredible restraint in his own desires, putting what may be best for me above what he would like (often what we would both like). Allowing me to continue doing things he does not naturally wish to allow because if I didn't do them, I simply wouldn't be me.

Restraint on both of our parts will be important. He has his partner, soon to be his wife, to be with. She will come first. We will not have much time together. I will need to be careful with the balance between my independent life and how my submission to him impacts me. There will need to be some distance, because he can not be my primary. And I do realise this will basically end up hurting me greatly someday. But I can enjoy it for what it is, allow this thing of beauty to happen and deal with the pain later or live life in a void as I have been, my heart not fulfilled at all and hurting for the lack. No matter what I do, I hurt in some way. I'd rather have good things to remember and experience another love that has come into my life than deny myself the chance.

We are taking things as they come. One day at a time, one issue or point of negotiation as it presents itself. But one thing will not change anytime soon. Tanto now owns me.

Switcheroo

2009-04-14T12:55:00.002+12:00

Friday night was the first "play party" held at the local swinger's club Spartys. As well as being advertised for the local bdsm scene, the owners of the club sent out invites to the patrons they knew would enjoy and some other outlets and resources they have. It ended up being quite a good mix of people from various sub cultures of Auckland.

A few of us went to someone's house to get ready. We were all there quite early and had time to just chat and hang out before we really needed to start getting ready. The host made a very yummy pasta dish for dinner. I had already done the showering and shaving and such, so just had to get dressed. But 'dressed' included quite a bit of ropework. Tying the rope into my hair was not difficult but tiring for my arms! Figuring out how to finish off the gauntlets on my arms was the only hard part there. The corset I was making gave me the most trouble, as it included two knots. I learned how to make the knot fairly well - when the rope wasn't on me! After several unsuccessful attempts I finally got it and all my rope was set. Of course, my skirt was not exactly public friendly so that had to wait to be put on. A t-shirt went over the bra and rope, the party skirt tucked into a bag and a plain skirt on my body, we were all ready just in time for the taxi to show up.

I think we gave the driver a bit of a fright. Poor man - a woman in a wedding dress, a man all in black plus a black trench coat, a woman in all leather plus fuck me boots, and a girl with rope all over piling into his cab. And to add to it, we chatted about gay boys and the local gay club / store, laughed about this and that. We weren't purposefully trying to shock him but our conversation and energy were certainly focused on the night to come.

We arrived just after the doors were open for the night. I quickly dashed into the bathroom to put my skirt on, adjust the ribbons on my legs. So there I was, ready for the party to begin with my ass peeking out the back of my skirt, breasts barely contained in the half cup bra, rope adorning my body but not constricting. All I got was glowing compliments :) Everyone had put in some kind of effort for their dress and there were lots of yummy people to look at.

Verva was there, looking incredibly delicious in a black slinky body stocking of a sort, along with her new shackles and collar that pronounced her "pet" of the male owner of the club. Just looking at her I could feel that seductive and sensual tug...I simply wanted to play with her. She was well off into her own world though, having spent the afternoon with her Master.

I greeted the folks I knew, chatted a bit. I enjoyed helping my friend in the wedding dress ("Doll" for the night) come while another flogged her bare ass. She looked delightfully debauched with the wedding dress hitched up around her thighs; I want to do a photo shoot with her in that dress. And as usual I continued to circulate, watching some play here, adding a little bit there with the people I knew well, and kept coming back to Verva and her Master.

This time she turned and kissed me, nibbling on my shoulder as well. I allowed my hands to roam (once I had received permission to touch). She is just too yummy not to touch! She got sent away to give a few people a tour of the club as they arrived and I took the opportunity to ask if I could play with her. Again I was freely given permission, and asked specifically if there was anything I couldn't do. Nothing in particular, and my mind started working more.

When she came back, I grabbed my toy bag and brought her over to the dance area. (Not much dancing to be had that night!) I pulled over a circular stool that had a back on it, which was what first prompted my Toppy self to churning through the options. Luckily I had brought some more spare rope that night! With Verva's shackled hands behind her, I tied them to the chair back. Then her feet, clad in leather boots, got spread and tied to the legs of the stool. She had the thought enough to tell me her safe word and I thanked her for being so good to remind me. Being inexperienced with Topping, I hadn't thought any farther than that! I apologised to Verva; I was going to need to leave her to get some things. I reassured her she was safe and would be ok, then went as quickly as I could to get what I needed.

Her Master had shown me a few of her new found favorite toys earlier. I borrowed the short cane and a friend's blindfold. While trying to keep the cane from her sight, I came around behind her to place the blindfold on. I ran my hands over her. Never before had I had someone at my will. I honestly was quite bewildered and not sure of what to do.

It seemed I had chosen well. The cane ran along her body, over breasts and down to her thighs. I tapped lightly, my other hand spread across her chest, holding her against my chest. I whispered to her, kissing and playing. I spun from being behind her to the front, alternating several times. She needed to tell me to go harder; I was being careful not to go too far too quickly for either of us. So harder I went with the cane on her inner thighs. Her cries and moans were music to my ears, so erotic and mesmerising. I teased her nipples under the fabric of her top. She taunted me slightly, wondering if I could figure out how to allow them loose. I came around to her front then, glimpsing along her body. I had already spied how the outfit was put together...how could my eyes not stray to every part of her, looking so enticing? I easily found that the top was connected to her panties like stockings to a garter belt. With an evil smile she couldn't see I told her, "But I'm a girl too," just as the first clip popped free. She giggled and I raised her top above her breasts, now nothing in the way of me playing.

I nibbled, tapped, licked, pinched. I could feel her energy building all the while. After a few taps of the cane near her nipple she was right on the edge. Snaking one hand into her hair, trying for a nice firm grip, I pulled her head back and nibbled on her neck as my other hand rubbed through her panties between her spread legs. She came to a luscious climax as I pressed my body into hers, experiencing a kind of climax of my own as she was lost to her desire and lust.

I removed the blindfold and quickly untied her. I don't really remember what happened then. I assume her Master must have taken her, as I remember putting my things away but nothing else of her being with me at that time.

But that was my first Topping experience. I can see so many things I did "wrong" but she enjoyed and I enjoyed so it must have been pretty successful. I got several compliments on what a hot scene it was. I think that mostly has to do with the sexual energy Verva and I create when we're together and less about how or what I did. I imagine I will enjoy being switchy on occasion though and hope to get better at it. :)

Lots more was to happen at the party that night, but it will have to wait for another post...or maybe two.

Cheer Up, Emo Kid!

2009-04-09T10:57:00.002+12:00

My horoscope for today, from the NZ Herald :

The full Moon in Libra reminds you what a beautiful adventure you are
on. It is full of riches. The miracle of being alive dawns on you again
- in a flash of humility and simplicity. Fire up your heart - and get
on with life and love.

Normally I don't put much thought into horoscopes; they're fun to think about and nothing to take seriously. If anything, they simply make you stop for a moment and think about things a little differently. That's what it did for me today.

I've been so bogged down by negativity lately. The weeks go by in a blur of boredom, monotony, and repetition. My weekends are glorious - filled with friends, relaxation, and when I'm lucky, awesome sex *grin* So when the work week comes back to me it hits hard, reminding me that my life is not in the place I want it to be.

I've been working on getting it going somewhere. Looking for a new job, attending workshops at a very reputable recruitment agency to get dearly needed advice on job searching and realistically what I need to expect and do, since I have so little real life experience. I have been trying to put my foot in the waters of helping in the local scene, and am seriously considering some other personal endeavours (damn you, music theory!). My life is not with out drive or focus; I'm just in a holding pattern right now as Kapelle says.

It's not an easy place to be.

And regarding love? Ha...that's laughable. I've ended up deeply in love with a man who is not genuinely available, loving another man who is not ready to be in a relationship (as I'm not, to be realistic), and having my submissive side stuffed away waiting and aching to come out again. Sure - play and sex is fun. But in the long term I really do need more.

It's also not easy seeing so many of my friends happy in their relationships or embarking on their learning. I've been in those places and miss them. I feel the jealousy rear up and know it is irrational. After a few moments it usually softens into envy. Wanting what they have but not wanting them to lose it simply because I don't have it myself.

Along with a timely horoscope, TQ sent me a link to this song this morning as well, which was waiting in my inbox when I got to work this morning:

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

This is a very special song to me; it came out around the time that my friends in the chat room had helped me along to really figure myself out. (I also made it a very special thank you gift to TQ after BondCon.) And it's very helpful to be reminded of that today. No matter what the situation, no matter what the hardships or the missing pieces, I am still the beautiful person they all knew and the beautiful person my friends see today. I've grown and changed but the essence of me is still the same.

So cheer up, emo kid. *smirks*

This is a Test of the...

2009-04-07T11:12:00.002+12:00

...Emergency Blogger System...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I might be a bit quiet for a while folks.

I've been trying to write these past few days and it's just not coming through.

I'm stressed, confused, lost and hurting. Life is going rather well, but a few consistent problems are slowly picking at me and breaking down my foundation.

Hopefully regular programming will resume shortly.

Your Turn To Answer

2009-04-06T15:13:00.002+12:00

I have a question for you, my dear readers (how ever few there are!) Please reply, even if it's just anonymously.

~~~~~~~

What is the most intimate thing you feel two people (or more) can do together?

~~~~~~~

Me?

For some reason, it's something most people take for granted until they lose it.

Sleeping in the same bed together, all night long. Waking up next to someone you love, turning over and cuddling them as you snooze. Not quite conscious touches, evocative of the deep tenderness and fervor for each other.

It took me sometime to be able to sleep restfully all alone in a bed after being in a relationship for almost 5 years. Tonight, I will have a chance to sleep the night through with someone who means a lot to me. I hope it will be as I desire, and not simply fitful and uncomfortable. And above all else, I hope I don't end up sleeping on the couch, no matter how comfortable it might be!

Preparation

2009-04-04T22:30:00.003+13:00

In the middle of this week I realised that the fetish party being hosted at Club Sparty's is next Friday!! I had barely done any preparation for the party before today. Dressing up is required and I don't have a lot of fetish wear. Most of the time I put together an outfit for specific events.

Most of my day was running around getting fabric, making a pattern, obtaining a sewing machine from a relative, getting really frustrated with said sewing and having to alter the pattern since I fucked it up. Note to self: DON'T SEW ANYMORE!!!!

I also had to play around with some rope so I know what the hell I'm doing.

Overall, I think I will look good. As good as I imagined, probably not. But I doubt I will hear any complaints on the night..heh.

Passion

2009-04-03T11:21:00.002+13:00

His hand lightly trails along my skin. Fingertips barely even touching; the fine hairs raise up to meet his deft fingers. Up my arm, past the elbow, tracing the elegant curve of my shoulder. To my collarbone his light touch reaches, my neck instinctively tilting to the side to allow him access.

He lays his palm there, soft and featherlight. His thumb strokes my cheek ever so gently and I raise my eyes to meet his.

Such love, such adoration. I can see his feelings as he keeps my gaze. This is not pure lust. This is something more. Although I do see the slight green tint in the edges of his iris; we are not devoid of lust in this intimate moment.

Limbs entangled, bodies entwined. The scent of him encompasses me and I writhe slightly against him. I am totally lost in him.

He slides his hand swiftly down my back, raising a shiver. My body is at his whim. In no way am I bound physically. It is simply his presence and desire that controls every passing moment and every inch of my skin.

Into my ear he whispers, his breath hot. I do as he bids and turn to face away from him. He pulls me close, weaving one arm under my neck, his hand resting on my breast. His other hand glides over my thigh, up my hip and along my tummy to grasp my other breast with arms crossed over my chest. Still, gentle, loving, an electric touch that ignites my skin.

He inches his hips closer into mine. I can feel the firm presence of his masculinity between my cheeks as he presses against me. Skin against skin, a warmth unable to be recreated. A connection that is undeniable.

I feel the slight scratchiness of his stubble as he lays his head on my cheek. We can't seem to find enough ways to be in contact. Here in this moment, bodies pressed together, we simply can not be close enough. I run my foot along his calf, gently lifting to interlace our legs together.

Our breathing finds a unison. My hands rest against his, stroking fingers. I lift one of his hands to my mouth, laying a kiss on each fingertip. A current of energy is charging between us, our bodies slowly and slightly stirring with the potency of our desire for each other. Hips rocking almost imperceptibly.

His hardness is unyielding and a hand makes an adjustment, the thickness of him slipping between my legs. Our hips still rocking, only slightly more now, the movement slowly parting my lips to reveal a glistening wetness. We both gasp, our breath becoming short and staggered.

The undulation of our hips slowly slides us to our ultimate connection, the one last way our bodies can join.

I lay a hand the smooth arch of his hip, fingers pressing gently into the supple flesh, the need rising. His breath is hot against me and I can feel the need in him as well. We mirror one another, need and desire and love climbing to an unreachable peak.

Finally our union becomes whole, his rigid shaft penetrating my folds, driving deep into my core. I cry out in this moment of our coupling and feel the groan come unwilling from his vocal cords.

Our bodies pause. We lie still in each other's arms for a span of moments, savouring this perfect harmony between us. Embracing, joining, connecting in all ways possible. Our desire, love, lust and hunger at last coming to fulfillment.

We pause to cherish this moment before the desire demands more, before our primal selves take us to a different kind of passion.

Rebellion

2009-04-01T16:22:00.002+13:00

Despite being an unashamed slut, I'm pretty straight-laced. My sexual life is really the only way I stray from "the norm" of society. Yes, it's a huge value to be different on but it's my way.

In the past year I've become a rather responsible adult. Holding down a job, doing the moving thing, paying my bills and my debts, keeping commitments when I would rather be doing other things. I've not had to do things quite so consistently in the past. I was dependent on another person for a lot of it. Now I'm independent and doing it all myself.

It is hard. It is tiring. Draining. I honestly don't know how I can simply keep going. But I do.

Part of me hates doing it. A part of me wishes I didn't have to. The conscientious part of me knows I will continue to do as needed until the end of the world or I collapse from simple exhaustion. Whichever comes first. I'm sure some of my friends would expect Armageddon to come down upon our heads before I'd give up.

But it still leads to rebellion.

Rebellion is different than stress relief. Sex is a stress relief to me. Playing my trumpet and biking are too. I do not do nearly enough of any of them!

I want to boycot adulthood. I think my love of fairies does this in a preserved way. There will always be that light side to me.

But I want dark mutiny now. The stress is too much, has been for some time. I enjoy my weekends and when I get back to work it quickly and cleanly sucks the life out of me.

My piercing was a rebellion. It happened very spur of the moment, which is against my very nature. But I had planned on doing it for a long time, so was still safe. Today, the same parlour that did my piercing is having free tattoos and I have been tempted. It sounds as though the designs they're doing might go well with one of the tattoos that hasn't been seen on this blog. Though there is still a part of me that shakes its head at the very idea. If they were willing to do more work on my current art for free, sure. Something I haven't created or come up with myself? Not so sure. I probably won't simply for the fact I might regret it in future. The prudent part of me tends to win out.

The warring in the inside is boiling up though. I want to do something drastic. Extreme. Don't plan it, just do it. Completely out of my ways and against my nature.

But I'm sure I'm too cautious to allow that to really happen.

Experience Musings

2009-03-31T14:48:00.002+13:00

I have had slightly heightened sensitivity since getting my piercing last week. That's to be expected - I've only just started healing! I've been doing a sea salt soak twice a day with a shot glass, rinsing in the shower after. I'm quite proud of my diligence in this. And it seems to be doing just fine :-) I can rotate the jewelry easily now when checking during the rinse and there's no longer any bleeding. It is still slightly swollen but I can only feel that when prodding quite a bit. It's only been four days but I can't wait for it to heal properly! I'm horny as a mountain goat and want to do something about it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I've been chatting / meeting with a few potential play partners in the last couple of weeks. Sometimes I'm disappointed. And I once again realise how much experience I have and how that can be detrimental. (Despite the fact that I don't feel like I have that much experience!)

Some of the guys are honest about any lack of experience (or lack when compared to me) and are happy to still engage with me. I enjoy helping people learn and the more passionate I am about something the better I am at doing it successfully. I don't get much more passionate than about my sexuality. So for those who are willing to take a step and *gasp* learn from a submissive they have a lot to gain.

Then there are those who ... are a little arrogant. Or a lot arrogant. There's lots of philosophical talk about the machinations of bdsm and D/s and spouting of knowledge that, if you don't know better, sounds really good. Not that anything he says is wrong per say, but there is simply a lot of it. You answer a plain question and get three replies with reasoning behind why this works, or why planting this can help bring this to fruition. Lots of questions in the guise of "getting to know you" in order to "get into your head" better for play, even before you meet. Sometimes I have honestly felt like I was being interrogated by this kind of person. And this type of conversation can be intimidating, terrifying and awe-inspiring for a newer submissive. "This guy must know what he's doing! Look at all the knowledge he has! He's really trying to learn about me, taking the time to understand me! *Swoon!* I'd be so lucky if he decides to play with me!"

I find that this kind of guy actually doesn't know a lot. He's taken the time to learn the jargon, yes. He's taken the time to learn the basics of how to attract a submissive. But other than that, none of it really gets taken to heart. Sometimes I've even found that the person ends up having almost no experience in real life and is simply a player. I've learned that the man who doesn't shout his knowledge from the rooftops to be worth more time. A man (or woman, to be politically correct) who can get to know you through simple conversation instead of using the third degree. I understand quick and easy negotiation if that is all that is needed, like at a play party. But that is based on just one scene and making that one time successful. What I'm talking about is the potential regular play partner. Quick and easy usually leads to disaster in that situation.

Does he need to know all these gritty details before he even meets me? No. I prefer a few casual emails back and forth and then deciding to meet. Once a physical chemistry is discovered, then the more intimate talk is relevant. Lots of people must think submissive + sex positive = easy lay. Nope! I'm actually quite choosy with who I decide to play with. If I wanted anything, I have several people from my past I could call up and they would gladly take me back as a play partner / fuck buddy.

My experience has taught me these things. Maybe those seemingly arrogant guys are just intimidated by me and feel they need to be "better" and "smarter" for it to work? The Dom type needs to have more experience than the submissive for it to work? Unless they are of superior knowledge and experience I will huff off in a cloud of indignation from their assuming I'd lower myself to play with them? Maybe? Probably being a bit dramatic. But you get my point. All of this is total rubbish! I want to share my experience. What good is it if I can't impart it on others, to make their own experiences and journeys better?

I've come to accept, whether I believe it or not, that I have some kind of experience. I know things. And I can use that to help others along their way. But those others need to be open to the possibility that I may know more. And that it's ok to learn from a submissive.

A New Hole!

2009-03-28T14:08:00.003+13:00

I am now the owner of a triangle piercing!!!

The appointment was in the back of my mind for most of the day. I don't know how I would have coped if there had been a long lead up to the appointment day. As it was, I had less than 24 hours to mull over the fact I was finally doing it. This was not a spontaneous decision, mind. The decision to get a triangle was made about a year and a half ago. The only decision made on Thursday night was to get it done on Friday. (Never would I suggest someone decide on a piercing and then do it immediately. Some are like that, I am not.)

By the time the end of the workday came, I was rather calm. Brio had been texting me all afternoon, asking me how I was feeling, etc. As I got into my car to drive across town to Dermagraphics there were no nerves. No anxiousness. I seemed to be in a place that was the antithesis of embarking on a permanent body change. My mind was still, tranquil and undisturbed. I suppose the fact that it had been so long coming helped me stay in a collected mindframe.

I parked the car, getting to the shop just on 5:30 as I said I would be. The premesis is having a serious makeover. I walked in and asked for Annie; the young lady behind the counter made a small theatrical bow and introduced herself as the one and only. She knew who I was, afterall it was only the day before her boyfriend had texted her excitedly to tell her she had a triangle to perform that day. I filled out the short consent form and was ushered back into one of the rooms.

The person getting a tattoo at the time needed a break anyway. Everyone left for the front of the shop, the curtains were drawn and the doors closed and locked. It was really happening! I was still quite serene, chatting easily with the animated and lovely Annie as she set up. All the proper sanitary requirements, of course. Cleaned hands, gloves changed several times through the set up, sterilised trays, clamps, needles and jewelry from autoclave packets. It's obvious she knows what she's doing and I had confidence in her years of experience. She asked me about why I decided on this piercing, quietly assessing I was levelheaded in my decision.

Once the set up was complete and the chair in place she announced I could sit down and we'd get to it. Off came my skirt (didn't want the chance of blood getting on it) and we bantered about other's modesty, sometimes insisting on being covered up even for such an intimate piercing. I, being a bit of an exhibitionist, had no qualms and even joked about I wouldn't have even minded if the curtains weren't drawn. "It's the others that have the problem!" Annie proclaimed, all light conversation and easy jesting between us.

Even as she set the clamp in place the mood stayed light. I was hardly nervous but was paying close attention to when she was going to pick the needle up. She talked me through the steps she was taking; cleaning the area, making sure the clamp was on straight, lining things up properly. Finally she announced, "Here we go," with the needle laid just against the skin beneath my clit. She told me to take a deep breath and only a second after I started breathing in the needle was pushing through my skin. I inhaled deeply and quickly as it began to hurt and then the bright and intense sharp pain of the needle hit hard. I screamed and it was suddenly over.

Annie told me that was the hard and painful part over. I believed her, as I've had piercings before. Now all that was left was to slide the jewelry in. The clamps came off and even before the jewelry was all the way in she informed me the needle had run true; it looked perfectly straight. After only a few more moments the ring was in and the ball snapped into place. She asked how I was, which was wonderful. The pain, while intense and white-hot, was in a way pleasurable. And the dull ache that was now left over was wonderful. She started cleaning the area, continuing to check on me. I dare say I was giddy at that point, the endorphins rushing full blast.

A few photos were taken for her portfolio; I'm certainly not shy about that. A bit more cleaning and checking on the brand new addition to my genitals happened and Annie said it was sitting rather well. I looked at the picture but really was still not believing it. I had finally gotten my piercing!

Another handful of minutes passed while I was coming back down to Earth and we chatted. That continued while I put my skirt back on, grabbed my purse, went back to the front of the shop. I paid Annie for her services. Told her to feel free to use the pictures. She gave me basic aftercare instructions verbally, as she knew I understood how to care for my own body mods.

The whole experience was beyond measure. Annie made me feel relaxed and welcome. She was informative, friendly and professional. If I ever decide to get more piercings done while living in Auckland I certainly know who I'll be going to!

This morning and still this afternoon I am swollen, sore and tender. I've already rinsed it thoroughly in the shower twice and done one sea salt soak. Annie was right, it is sitting very prettily. I am excited for it to start healing a bit more, so I can touch and play with it. But that will be a few more days yet.

Get Myself Into Trouble...

2009-03-27T10:10:00.002+13:00

I had some time to kill yesterday before the Subversion munch last night. I drove into K'Rd from work as usual and browsed around a few shops for a while, waiting for Brio to get to work. Once he had texted me that the guy he was taking over for had left, I went into the Den to chat to him. We haven't managed to see each other since last month with our schedules being so at odds.

As usual we flirted and damned our conflicting schedules. Then he brought me up to date on what's been happening with his girlfriend / slave, who is a piercer. She left her previous place of work and has started at another tattoo shop now, who hasn't had a piercer for sometime. So she's kicking off the piercing side of their business again and is doing a lot of promotional work to get the name back out there as a place for exceptional piercings. And she's doing deals on pricing.

Price has always been a barrier for me. I rarely, if ever, have spare cash. I've had some money saved from my birthday / Christmas from family. It was earmarked to pay a friend back. But I talked to him and he said he knows I will pay him back, time is not an issue. The saved money is my money. To feel free to use it if I wanted to.

So I made an appointment to get my piercing. Today, after work. I still haven't found a friend to hold my hand yet :-(

Holy crap! I have wanted this piercing, a triangle, for well over a year now. I tried to get it done in San Francisco in January 2008 but the timing didn't work out. And I've simply been procrastinating since I've been back in New Zealand. Mostly for the cost, partly because I hesitate over the healing time. Six to eight weeks of healing, at least. More like eight to twelve to be careful. And I'm incredibly careful with all of my body mods.

I can't find detailed information on what is and is not acceptable as far as sexual activity goes during healing. No sex for a few weeks, no bodily fluids for a while, limited contact for some time. Given that it will be sore and swollen won't keep me from wanting to play. The dull ache of a healing piercing is really erotic to me. So I will have to be asking some specific questions on what I can and can't do, as well as the time frames. Sex toys? Sex itself with protection? Rougher play? A lot of it will simply depend on my personal healing time and will very likely have to be determined on the way. Once I have it I'm sure I'll be right back into being quite in tune with my body and what is ok or not. But until then I will be paranoid about the healing. Oh, who am I kidding? I'll be paranoid until it's fully healed!!

Now all I have to do is hope she deems my anatomy a fit for the piercing. Not being a piercer myself I'm not sure. But from what I can tell with my research I may be well suited to it. Cross your fingers for me!

*Eeps....*

Reborn

2009-03-26T16:13:00.000+13:00

My past is catching up with me. In a good way.

Connections re-established. Communication opened. Good times remembered, good times ahead.

I remember when I got this dress. It felt like a fairy tale. It was longer originally; only recently has it been so short. A full length ball gown of latex. That's what it was. Friends from the chatroom, back in the day, had it sent. I only received it days before it was needed. Two days before my prom.

It didn't receive enough air time. Always hiding in my closet. There's just not many places a ball gown is suitable for. At the first Fetish Night in Auckland a couple months ago my dress got a new lease on life. Finally, it got worn again. It got admired. And I hope to wear it many, many more times.

Oasis

2009-03-25T20:05:00.002+13:00

This past weekend I could have been a lost desert traveler needing moisture and finally stumbling upon an oasis that was no mirage.

I actually hadn't made many plans. The munch was Satruday afternoon and I knew some plans were laid for friends but I left myself free. As well as the general weekend chores, of course.

Friday night I managed to see Tanto. I don't know if I will write publicly about the details, but it left me feeling incredibly energised and refreshed. Getting proper alone time with him is very difficult but it is also always unbelievably satisfying on so many levels outside of sexual.

Saturday night was fun. After the munch (where I got suitably teased and some of my major triggers were showed publicly!) a bunch of us went back to someone's house. It started out normally enough, with one of the friends bringing back Award Winning Lesbian Pizza and everyone chatting. Then Kapelle started playing with me, my legs over the arm of the couch, spread wide with my head in his lap. He teased my nipples and clit, eventually having me take my panties off so he could dip his fingers into my cunt. All the while everyone was just chatting away, and even occasionally I managed to add to the conversation. Another girl took her top and bra off and sat on the other arm of the chair to cuddle up to Kapelle. At the same time, the other 'couple' started to play a little bit on the other couch.

It was really surreal. It's not very often that play starts to happen with this group of friends unless it's specifically planned. So being there, random play popping up was quite interesting.

The guys went outside to do something and when they came back in the girl who was cuddling with Kapelle mused about what his cock was like. So He starts unzipping his pants! I'm not used to boys being the exhibitionists. Of course, I get to start sucking his cock. Soon he sat down and I was in front of him, kneeling between his legs. It had been sometime since I got the chance to do that and was so wound up already I wasn't exactly doing my best. But Kapelle began to talk to me, speaking me through the buildup to come on command. With every thrust of my mouth my cunt twitched. He was showing me off to our friends, exposing just how pliable my mind really is to someone who wants to try. I came as he gave the order, then announced to our friends (one who does hypnosis) that that was how you make someone come with out a trance. It still surprises me that he can do that to me as the connection and association is so weak in my mind right now. And I can only think back to when it was stronger and how magnificent it was....

At about that time I decided I need to go to Club Sparty's. I had met the male half of the owners a couple of times and he had come to the munch as well. It was obvious at the munch that he was interested in me, and at some point I'd have to go through the city to get home anyway. So I took my chance to get to chat to him more.

The club was quite empty for a Saturday night which meant the two owners and I got to sit at the bar and shoot the shit. (It also meant I didn't get fucked by any strangers, but hey, there's always next time!) He showed me some toys he had, including some rather nasty nipple clamps that were divine. He and his wife abused the new found and apparently very interesting trigger that is biting or pinching the cartilage in my ear, making me melt in moments. We talked and talked, they teased and taunted and had a good time. As it got late, I decided I really needed to cum.

The male owner took me over to the Sybian and this time I got to control it. I rode it unabashedly, slowly turning up the vibrations until I exploded in sensation. After several minutes I even managed to stand up! Back to the bar we went, only to be shooed away again by the female owner and the couple she was chatting with. I casually flopped myself into the hammock, when the male owner propped my boots into the edges. He disappeared for a bit and came back, a glass dildo in his hand. He began fucking me with it and omg it was heavenly. I admit to being a penetration whore. He built me up yet again and this time I started rubbing my own clit to bring me over the edge in an orgasm that rocked my entire body. He didn't stop and I came a few more times before I became simply too sensitive and stopped him.

And on Sunday night, after an impromptu ride to pick something up for friends, Kapelle played with me. He tied my hands behind my back and knelt me in the middle of the bed, my ass in the air. Slowly he played with my lips, my clit, the opening of my cunt. Tortuously slow. My own words came back at me from his mouth, that this was doing what he wanted, this time he would really take what he wanted. And I wasn't going to stop him. I heard him leave the room, not being able to see as my head was planted into the mattress. He came back with ice and more rope. The ice trailed over my ass, along my warmed and pulsing lips, up my back to rest in my upturned hand. A fingernail pressed into the end of my thumb and he asked if I could feel it. I told him yes, I'm fine, thinking he was simply checking on the bondage. But as I told him I was ok, the nail dug deeper and deeper, melting my words into moans of pain and desire. Then the rope came down across my ass, stinging fiercely. Over and over, purposefully wrapping around onto my inner thighs. He too took advantage of my ear, biting down with his sharp i-teeth that I screeched in pain. And all of it only led to me being more than ready for him when he decided to fuck me. With my arms trapped behind my back I couldn't push back against him as I normally do; I had to be content with the driving force he gave alone. He rode me until he spent himself, unwrapping my hands. I hadn't reached my climax yet and he followed me to my room to watch me masturbate. With his cum still coating my cunt he lounged at the bottom of my bed as I teased myself to the brink and back. My glass dildo slipping easily in and out of me. When I grabbed the Hitachi to take me over the edge he took it instead, teasing me by just barely glancing my clit with the head over and over. I begged him to let me cum and he finally pressed it against me, the orgasm exploding in a suddeness I rarely feel. Back to Earth I came eventually, to sleep rather well that night.

After weeks of not much play, this weekend brought me back to life. Back to my sexual self.

Bring on the gangbang tomorrow night is all I have to say!! :D

Question #3 Part II

2009-03-24T11:42:00.002+13:00

This question has come at such an awesome time. I have just gotten back in contact with a friend from the chatroom I made most of my initial BDSM and D/s friends in and I very well may get back in contact with the man who I'll be writing about for the rest of this question. It's an exciting thought as he really meant a lot to me and showed me just what all of this could be for me. (I'm stoked and giddy from just chatting to the friend I am now. It's so amazing, really.)

Anyway...after that first experience went south the friends I had in the chatroom stood by me. I had already learned so much from them and am surprised when I look back that they'd put up with my silly naivety. But they did and I'm grateful for it.

TQ was a main personality of the chatroom. An older Dominant living polyamorously with a heart larger than the world. He said he saw so much potential in me as a submissive and I think he simply didn't want me to get scared away from my first experience. So he sort of took me under his wing. A mentor / teacher / protector kind of role. Although I don't really like attributing labels to it, because apparently in the BDSM world they're all structured and revered and some shit that got me in trouble in the past. He was just a friend who wanted to help me figure out who I was.

With him I experienced my first real joy of submitting. Of making someone proud from just being me. I also experienced the disappointment of failing and I still struggle with some of the very things I struggled on with him. I suppose some lessons are hard learned. But this post is about the specific question:

Can you describe your first real
life experience? How did you feel afterward? Immediately at home with
it? Unsure whether it was right for you? Down after a high? Insanely
horny?

And
how did you feel about your partner? Do you think you developed any
obsessive, 'wow, this guy must be the one if he can do this to me' kind
of feelings? Or did you consider it just an experience?

I'll start with the second half, as it's quite easy compared to the first! TQ was (and is) a very special man. He will always have a place in my heart. But he made it very clear to me before we ever met that we would not be "together." So this would be just an experience, but a very special one.

I'm sure I could write pages and pages on the single day/night I got to spend with him. In fact, the hand written journal I was using at the time has about 40 pages written about it. I was lucky enough to have been invited to come stay with TQ and his 'family' at BondCon 2003 in NYC for the Saturday night. He made so much time for me, despite the fact he had so many other things he could have been doing, other people he could have been spending time with. For this post? I think I'll stick to what we all did on Saturday night - headed to the huge play party at Paddles.

The 8 or so of us who made it to BondCon from the chatroom shared a limo to the club. All of us decked out in fetish gear, me in the red latex dress TQ's sister gave me, red pumps, red thigh highs, red panties and garter belt. And a collar and leash. When we arrived it was truly overwhelming. There must have been hundreds of people there. I felt very small and very nervous but at the end of that leash it felt just right. A few different people held the leash that night and I certainly turned heads. I can remember TQ talking about it after, what a sight I was to be seen.

I witnessed all manner of play that night. Cages, whips, floggers, clamps, spankings, paddles. So much energy. I remember TQ showing off his violet wand. I was too scared to touch it at the time but witnessed a few others have fun with it. I remember a man asking to massage my feet and TQ politely declining for me. The highlight of my night was actually having the courage to ask TQ to play with me. The exact words I used elude me (I'm sure I wrote it down in that journal though...). But he agreed and we all stayed a little longer.

We were in a back room that was all a rusty shade of gold. A throne lay against the far wall and two pillars in the middle of the room with restraints attached, or course. My wrists were put into the padded cuffs and then the chain raised, lifting my arms above my head and spread. TQ tucked the tail of my dress into the top so my thighs and ass were freed from hiding underneath the latex. I was scared and nervous. Here I was, in a room full of people, willingly restrained and waiting to be paddled. It would be the first impact play I'd ever had.

And then he hit me with the paddle. Not a light tap but not incredibly hard. Enough to sting nicely and I caught my breath. It felt incredible. As he continued I could feel my thighs and ass warm slightly. I closed my eyes and actually started leaning into the blows. I could feel myself getting more and more aroused as well. Never had I felt so alive. The pain was exquisite and I was sad when it ended. Another friend undid the restraints as TQ hugged me as I was well into LaLa Land by then and couldn't hold myself up. He took me over to the seats at the wall and set me down. I sat cuddled up to his knee for a while as I came back to Earth. Some of our friends made comments about it, how they could tell I enjoyed myself, watching my eyes slowly glaze over. hearing my slight little moans.

I had so many new experiences with him. And I soaked it all up. I was incredibly heartsick to go home and cried for a good while over getting back on the bus. Finally, I had felt at home with other people. These people accepted me, flaws and all, and still felt I was special, worth something. They showed me a world I had until that point only dreamed about. That 24 hours was quite a whirlwind full of so many emotions. It is a time I will never forget. I think I'll dig out my old journal and have a read through it again. I'm sure I've forgotten many details in the six years that have passed. But I will never forget what they gave me. What TQ gave me. I found myself with them and have never looked back.

"Call Me Loyal"

2009-03-20T18:54:00.004+13:00

Apparently NZ Post really likes to promote New Zealand musical artists. I spent quite a bit of time on hold on their customer services line Tuesday at work. Their entire loop of hold music is New Zealand artists. Too bad the loop isn't very long. I got tired of the music after a while.

This is the first song that came up though: Dave Dobbyn's "Loyal"

I can't remember last time I thanked you,
Keeping my distance unintentionally.
Too close for comfort, just ain't close enough.
If I could have more time we would brainstorm.
And I love you tender, but we must walk away,
Keeping you on my greeting card file.
And if it were different - did you know it ain't?
Let's get on with it love...

And call me loyal - I'll say you're loyal.
I know you're loyal - I feel your loyal truth,
Call me loyal - I'll hold you loyal too,
And we are loyal, keep it that way...

Keep it that way girl...

These words hit me hard on Tuesday. It is the only day that I drive to work since I have orchestra rehearsal in the evening in town. Since Tanto lives so close by and works in the city I give him a lift to work.

Every time I see him it is bittersweet. Tuesday was even harder, as we talked a bit about his wedding. The details he told me...made me wish we were more compatible. That instead of just love and lust for each other there was a way we could be together. He is the type of man I do fall for, obviously, but he would not be able to give me all I need. Normally this doesn't bother me too much; we're simply not for each other in that way. But him talking about his wedding reminded me that I am actually alone, I have no one to belong to, no one to really be with. He will be married in about 2 month's time, will be trying to start a family. I'm just on the side, playing just a minor role in the script of his life.

His loyalties are split; between himself, his partner and the other people in his life that he loves in various ways. My loyalties? I have my friends, the people I love, Tanto. But the biggest is really only myself right now.

Being near him is too close for comfort yet too far away.
We'd be lost in each other entirely, could we only have the time.
The love is real between us but we must always part to go back to our 'real lives'.
If it was different...

If only it were different.

I've got to get on with it.

My Bubble, Popped.

2009-03-18T22:31:00.004+13:00

I need to write this now or I don't think I'm going to get any sleep tonight.

I seriously hurt Kapelle with the last few posts that I wrote that pertained to him.

I've been the one living in a self obsessed bubble the last few weeks. And I completely stopped thinking about anyone but myself.

In reality, the last few times he's played with me it's been at my request. He hasn't been getting anything he wants from me (or anyone else, for that matter) for various reasons. He's just been trying to get by.

I took his non-involvement with me as simply not being interested in me. As not wanting me. As not caring for me. I think part of those feelings, those false perceptions on my part is because of the walls I've had to erect within myself to protect my heart from being so near him but not being able to have a relationship with him.

I can see now how my previous posts about him can be seen as criticisms of how he does things. I never meant them to be taken that way but that's the tone they've come out with. I don't see anything he's done as a failing of any kind. If anyone has failed in regards to anything, it's been me and failing in his trust.

*sigh*

But what I've said has already done damage, already had impact that I can not fix. I can only hope that those reading who know him will not judge him by my previous words. If I could take them back, I would. (Too little, too late.)

This has been my failing. My issue. My inability to think of how my words effect others. My inability to censor myself properly. This is my place to speak my mind but that does mean I have free reign on talking about others.

I don't know how he can put up with me. And I hope this is a lesson I don't have to learn again.

Question #3 Part I

2009-03-18T12:31:00.002+13:00

Another Anonymous asks:

Dee asked about first experiences. Can you describe your first real
life experience? How did you feel afterward? Immediately at home with
it? Unsure whether it was right for you? Down after a high? Insanely
horny?

And
how did you feel about your partner? Do you think you developed any
obsessive, 'wow, this guy must be the one if he can do this to me' kind
of feelings? Or did you consider it just an experience?

I need to split this into two parts if I'm going to be completely honest about my past and I do try to be honest here. So two parts. First, an explanation to why.

My first real life "experience" I don't really hold as my first actual introductory experience. It was a bad judgment call on my part, and while I don't regret what I did if I could live through it again I may have changed my actions.

Like a lot of 'young' submissives (being new to embracing their submissiveness as opposed to actual age) I latched onto someone who played the part well. In truth, he was a total asshole and wasn't interested in bdsm much at all but simply trolling the chat rooms to pass the time of day. All of this I didn't realise except in hindsight. At the time I was completely enthralled with him and made plans to visit him. All of my chat room friends begged me not to go, were worried for my safety. Especially since the man mysteriously disappeared off the net a few days before I was to go.

But being the silly naive child I was, I went. I flew over a thousand miles to meet a man that I learned I really didn't know. It's a tragic story really, tragically sad and pathetic.

He lived in a trailer park with several other people, had a mullet, bad grammar and kinda disgusting teeth. (Good thing he treated me quite like a whore and didn't actually kiss me much.) I was there for 5 days and while I downplay some of the events when I speak of them casually to people, there were some truly traumatic moments for me both during and after.

His name was Michael and I even remember his chat room name. Anyway, the first night I was there he was nice enough. He would be my first sexual experience and he knew this; I'm thinking it was part of why he actually went through with having me visit. As the days went on though, I found he was actually not very willing to do any bdsm with me. He said that I "wasn't ready for bondage" and came up with excuses as to why he wouldn't do other things.

He did want anal and apparently would get it no matter what though. I wanted to do it as well but he didn't exactly go slow enough or use enough lube. (I honestly don't remember if any lube was used.) I was actually begging him to stop the pain was so bad and I bled some for a few days afterward. It wasn't that bad but it's caused me to have some major issues with anal intercourse now. Most of the time I simply keep it off the list of things that can be done with most partners because it's easier to not engage than to go through what I need for it to not be agonisingly painful. (Honestly. If it goes too fast, I'm not relaxed enough, not enough lube or too much lube, or whatever, I end up pulling away and curling up into the fetal position screaming until the pain subsides in about a minute or two.)

He did end up doing some bondage with me though. As a punishment. He was tired of my mouth (I admit I was a whiny little thing back then) and decided I had to "learn my place." A blindfold was put over my eyes and he tied me up with a typical sex shop "let's spice up our bedroom life a little" hog tie set type thing. My arms were tied behind my back and then attached to my ankles as I was kneeling on the hard, bare floor.

Then he fell asleep.

I am not kidding you.

I don't know how much time had passed before my legs started to go numb. It could not have been very long but it felt at the time like eternity. My brain was going crazy. I was still lost in the beliefs that he espoused despite not really knowing anything about it. I was being punished for being bad, I should simply be waiting for him to say it was over. Eventually I said his name a few times and didn't get a response. I stopped thinking so much so I could listen. And I heard him quietly snoring away. It was then that I panicked and started screaming and struggling to get out. Once he heard me he jerked awake but played the cool and clam card, telling me it was fine and taking his time to untie me. Then he simply lay back down and told me to hurry up, get into bed and go to sleep. I couldn't feel my legs at all by this point. I dragged myself up onto the bed as well as I could and did eventually fall asleep.

When I got home he was again mysteriously (or not so mysteriously this time) absent from the chat rooms. It wasn't until about a month later that he came back and in a private chat with some of my closest friends he tried to defend his actions, quite pathetically at that. He had defenses such as I had lied to him; I wasn't really a virgin as I had popped my own cherry years ago. Needless to say I'm glad I dropped the loser. It was a very emotional experience and I'm not too proud of how naive I was. But I learned from it and was relatively unharmed from the experience so I consider myself lucky.

I did not however, turn back on bdsm. I had too many friends and knew too well that it was actually what I wanted. A dominant friend of mine too me under his wing and gave me a proper introduction a few months later. Which will be part two of my first experiences. Believe me - that one, you will not want to miss!

My Way

2009-03-17T14:41:00.004+13:00

I never want to hear you say
I want it that way
Cause I want it that way

I have always loved the irony of the last line of this song. (Yeah, yeah The Backstreet Boys. Get over it.) The premise that you can't ask for it your way, because that's how the other person wants it. There's an underlying assertion that it can't be done your way, don't even ask for it; it will be my way or the highway.

Ultimately I would like that in a relationship, to a point. It's a great fantasy to believe that my partner would do whatever he likes, whenever he likes, simply because he wants it. The reality is quite different though.

I've learned this lately with Kapelle. Even though we're not in "a relationship," realistically we're just flatmates, friends with the occasional sex/bdsm play happening. But the past several months has shown me something.

The reality of someone else doing whatever they like when they like simply doesn't work in the long run. Kapelle really hasn't played with me to my preferences for some time. I've been left feeling a little bit cast off, as if I really am just a body to him, a tool for his use. During a caring, nurturing relationship that can work at times. Casually, it breaks down trust and my want to play. If every time he deems to play with me is always on his terms, always challenging me, pushing me to accept how he does it and since I don't process it that well, it will slowly diminish how much I want to play with him. It's taxing, draining. I may get pain and use out of it but it doesn't fulfill much else. There's an emotional hole that gets left, a need in me that is completely lost. At the moment, I truly am just a body to him for his use. Even with no relationship I do not say no to him.

I need to feel cared for. I need to feel as if what I like does matter. Because when things are done how I like it, it re-energises me. It lifts me, de-stresses me. It brings me to heights I don't ever get to experience otherwise. A different plane of existence, one of ecstasy, desire, fulfillment. There is no need to worry about my performance because in that place it is natural, how I react and behave is simply how I am and that can not fail me. The expectations do not press down upon me, worrying about being pleasing or 'right' or 'wrong'. I can allow myself to get lost for a time, simply being with out all that cognitive noise happening in the background of my mind. It brings me back to life feeling like I can face the world fresh and new again (until the sub drop happens, but even after that passes I feel better for having been and gone).

Right now I completely understand why Kapelle is so very focused on all the things he wants and using anyone available to his whims. Because he spent so many years in a relationships where his wants and needs were secondary to making sure her's were perfectly fulfilled. Even if that were not the case, it's natural to be so egocentric after a break up. For how ever long you've been in that relationship someone else's wants and needs have been some kind of priority. Being single again, one instinctively turns their priorities back to solely #1. I'm still partly in that state myself from my break up, almost a year ago now.

So at the moment, I'm yearning for it to be my way. Cause I want it that way.

Question #2

2009-03-16T16:12:00.002+13:00

Anonymous (*wink*wink*) asked me:

On your recent post about sub-space, you mentioned that while Kapelle
took you into sub-space (As you wished), he kept taking you out of it.
Did that make it less satisfying for you?

If not entirely; if you could have your way, what would you do differently.
In other words, what would have been your ideal finish to the evening?

In a way, it was less satisfying. Not because I was unhappy in any way with what he did with me. (Seriously? Most play is fun play these days as I get so little.) It was more of the fact that I've been under so much stress lately and in the past my submission and my play has been my escape from stress. I haven't been playing a lot and am certainly not submitting to anyone at the moment. Being played with like a yo-yo was a stress in itself; difficult to process and traumatic in a very small way.

When I am prepared to, I float away into my own little world very easily. That night I was prepared to. So when his hand gripped my throat, his words growling in my ear, I was gone swiftly. I whimpered and writhed, already wet from the rope workshop. Then his strong fingers found my hardened nipple and pinched and twisted - so much so that I cried out. Quick, intense and unsuspected pain pulls me right back into reality immediately. He did this a few times out in the lounge, the yo-yo trick, before ordering me to crawl to the bedroom.

The back and forth is not very easy to process. It's like a kind of shock after an injury or accident. A total change in circumstance, abrupt and unexpected.

He continued on with that in the bedroom, using the cat as a warm up and all the while talking to me in that certain tone of voice that always makes me melt. Up and down, up and down. Talk me into it then hit me out of it. Over and over. He stopped with the cat a lot sooner than I thought he would, and I was very glad of that. It was absolute pain and not so much pleasure. I enjoyed it but it was a real challenge to process it into something I could handle.

This causes havoc in my mind. The wanting to let go and simply be then the coming back to reality, where I did not want to be. It creates stress like a swing when a child is going too high. The lines are slack at the top then suddenly come taught as gravity forces its will upon the lines and the child alike. Every small, minute or microscopic fault in the line be it chain or rope or plastic or other new-fangled material is stressed. And at some point one of those imperfections will break, the child tumbling to the ground unexpectedly. At some point my mind can not take the up and down, in and out anymore. Luckily, I've never gotten to the point of falling yet.

If I could have had my way? I would have liked it starting the same way; immediate force and his full strength of dominance upon me. Not giving me a chance to back away, giving me no choice but to submit. From there I would want a mind game with a slow physical warm up. His words burrowing me deeper into darkness as the endorphins start to take hold. Slowly building up the physical pain, allowing my body to adjust to it, allowing the endorphins to flow steadily, to eventually rush through my system. I'd be able to take more pain and it would have aroused me much more. I wouldn't be able to speak by the time I'd want to beg to be fucked or beg to orgasm. My mind would be well and truly gone, completely absorbed in the world created by him and my body. The pain a delicious decadence leading directly to my pleasure. At that point I'd want to either be fucked or to come nice and hard, just like Kapelle had made me do later that night with the Hitachi. And then I'd like to curl up beside him, cuddling on the bed, allowed to simply drift off to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you got a question you want to ask? Comment here!!!

The Period Pitfall

2009-03-13T10:43:00.002+13:00

(Warning: there is a potential squick factor with this post. If you aren't comfortable with "women's problems" you might want to skip this one.)

I love being a woman. Soft curves, round hips, long hair, wearing heels and being sexy in general. I enjoy espousing most things feminine, creating a tantalising allure that many cannot ignore.

I do not, however, enjoy some of the biological crap that can come along with being a woman.

I've recently been given a diagnosis of PCOS - polycystic ovary syndrome. (Which is not nearly as bad as endometriosis. I am very glad to not have any serious signs of that one.)

The hospital would not even give me an appointment for an ultrasound to confirm the suspicion. They said based on my symptoms and blood work they were confident in allowing the diagnosis to be made. I would much rather see on an ultrasound the little spots on my ovaries to confirm the diagnosis rather than rely on symptoms and blood work. But I do not have the money to get a private ultrasound, so will have to trust the hospital system. (I do trust my own individual doctor, who ordered the ultrasound, but not the medical field at large.) I will just have to be content with what they've given me.

What does PCOS mean tangibly? Not much for me. I'm not interested in having children (right now for certain and I do see a possibility of never having any) so the infertility potential does not worry me. It does explain why I still have acne problems at 24, and why I began shaving my cunt at 16 - way too much hair! And add another tick to the list of reasons I am overweight and have trouble losing it. But the biggest issue is mainly an annoyance - an irregular menstrual cycle. I hate having my period at the best of times, even back when it was perfectly regular every 27-29 days and was entirely predictable. Now, if I'm not on birth control it's completely unpredictable, stupidly long and is barely there at all. My doctor and I have been trying various progesterone only pills (the combined pill gives me migraines when taking the sugar pill) but so far nothing has been working very well.

I've just started on a new type about 3 weeks ago and on a double dose at the direction of my doctor. This a good example of how annoying it is. On Monday the "barely there" type thing happened, where I didn't even need to wear panties with liners in them but was spotting slightly. Then, overnight last night it suddenly becomes a heavy flow but because I was running so late this morning I didn't even realise until I got to work. Cue a trip to the dairy across the road to buy tampons or I'd be incredibly uncomfortable the whole day as well as very likely embarrassing myself with a big ass red spot on my pants. Who knows how long it will be before I again am blissfully free of leaking from my vagina in an unpleasant way. (On the last pill I tried, I actually stopped taking it after two weeks had passed of bleeding to simply end the suffering.) I could also shell out for an IUD, which is probably my best bet at regulating my cycle. But that has its own issues, especially not being able to attempt fisting! I <3 my fisting and large object insertion lol

There are other risks involved with PCOS, which I really do need to start thinking about. I am overweight (obese to the medical world but I don't see myself that way) and PCOS adds to the Type II diabetes/insulin resistance risk. My cholesterol is fine and I've never had a high blood pressure reading (during "normal" circumstances, of course) but again that could potentially change. My doctor has talked about putting me on some insulin-lowering medication, which could help me lose weight, (Apparently, at a "healthier" weight the PCOS symptoms could magically vanish. *rolls eyes*) and reduce the risk of developing insulin problems. My doctor has always been respectful of my decisions regarding my weight and only gently pressing the issue over the years. But maybe it's time to change my thinking about it. I would really like to get back down to around the weight I came into NZ at.

Ah well. Just more things to think about before my next appointment with my doctor in a couple of months time.

In The Bath...

2009-03-12T20:02:00.003+13:00

I've the house to myself tonight.

What should I do? It's quiet, calm.

I know, a treat.

Will you join me?

Book Lust

2009-03-11T15:58:00.002+13:00

Lots of my friends have literal libraries in their homes. Thousands of books. They've all got their favourite genres and authors, most being science fiction or fantasy based. Hey - there's no denying a mix between the kinky and geeky crowd.

I, alas, do not have many books to call my own and therefore borrow from friends regularly. But I do believe that someday when I have the money to buy my own books, there will definitely be a theme. That theme will be histories and anthologies etc of sexuality.

I already own these two:

Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures "Sadomasochism: Powerful Pleasures is a comprehensive exploration of the
entire sexual subculture that lies on the cutting edge of society."

and

Homosexuality and Civilization "In this notable monograph, impressive for its breadth and readability,
an early pioneer of gay and lesbian studies attempts the Herculean task
of chronicling the history of homosexuality in Europe and parts of Asia
from Homer to the 18th century."

(Sadly, both are in paperback. I would rather have hardback for this type of book.)

Yesterday, during my dinner stop over at Curvaceous Dee's house before my orchestra rehearsal, I found sitting on her coffee table Mates and Lovers: A History of Gay New Zealand. After just the foreword I was hooked. I read as much as I could in the short time I was there, as Dee doesn't let her books go before she gets a chance to read through them herself! But I want to own this book, too.

I am simply fascinated by how these things evolve, how they are ever changing. My mind sops it up, absorbs the complex intricacies. Lately I've been reminded of how smart I am not in some ways - maths is not my strong point, visualising things in my mind is difficult with out a physical representation, and so many others. But having read just a short bit of Dee's new book I was reminded that while some things may not come easily, my mind is so ready for something more challenging and more suited to my way of thinking.

----------

Speaking of things I want - I would love, love, love to be able to go to Cirque du Soleil: Dralion. I have been in love with Cirque for so long and always try to see them when I can. Sadly, I am poor.

Un-Sub Space

2009-03-10T15:29:00.002+13:00

Ok - stupid reference to Alice in Wonderland. Forgive me please.

A lot of people talk about subspace. There are probably thousands of discussions about it online. About what it is, where we go, what it feels like, even sometimes about how those we play with intentionally keep us from going there.

Right now, I'm keeping myself from going there.

At Kapelle's rope workshop this weekend a friend went all floaty from getting tied up. She spent most of the day sitting on the couch half out of it in bliss. It was incredibly cute to watch and made me very nostalgic for the time when I felt free enough to allow myself to go there in front of so many people. That has only happened a handful of times in my life.

I am a very open person for the most part. But there are parts of me that don't get seen by many people at all. Most of these parts that get hidden away are because while experiencing those parts of me I become incredibly vulnerable. And I know from experience that while in that sort of state you can get me to agree to anything. To do anything. And I wouldn't stop you.

So it takes an immense amount of trust for me to allow myself to slip away into subspace around people. The folks at the workshop were all quite good friends; why would I be wary around them? It has nothing to do with them at all. It's a feeling inside of me. That those vulnerable parts of me are not pretty, are not welcome, are inherently bad. Why would anyone want to see them? How can I allow anyone that view into my soul? They are the deepest and darkest parts of me. And that does not come out very easily.

There are very few people in my life, either present or past, who I allow or have allowed myself to be that vulnerable with. Kapelle can sometimes be one. I asked him to take me there Saturday night after the workshop. He didn't do it how I'd like to have had it but he did it nonetheless. He had his way with me, bringing me up and down like a puppet. Into subspace then forcing me right back out again with a quick bit of unexpected pain. Talking me back down into it then striking again with the cat-o-nine (on an un-warmed up ass, I might add). I floated for a bit in a sort-of subspace for some time. It wasn't quite like I've had it in the past because of the yoyo he created. But it was fun anyway.

After that? Well...the second or third forced orgasm with the Hitachi gets to be a bit much. No less the fifth or sixth...

I don't know when I'll get to go there again. I do miss it. I miss the connection it allows me to have with people, since it is one of those vulnerable places that very few ever get to see. All of my walls come down while I'm there. It's free and unrestrained from the crazy and unbalanced world my life is in. It is the only time where I can simply be me.

Question #1!

2009-03-09T10:52:00.002+13:00

Curvaceous Dee was kind enough to ask me my first (will it be my only??) question for March!

What was your first experience with rope like? Who was it with? What kind of rope was it? Tell us all about it!

My first experience with rope. Mmmm..well, compared to some of the fun I've had with rope the first time wasn't all about the rope.

I was still living at home, but my parents were away on vacation and a man I was involved with had come up from Oklahoma to visit me. (That spells trouble already!) Yes, my parents knew about this and were ok with it. They had met him before they went off on their trip actually. I do not doubt my parents knew what we'd get up to; they're not dumb and I was already an "adult".

This was almost six years ago now and that two weeks we spent together was so full of fun stuff that my memory doesn't have lots of details. I don't remember what kind of rope, what color, how long or anything like that.

There's a flash of an image - him coiling the rope just right to hit me with it like a flogger when he first picked it up. It hurt but he simply did it again and again.

Then the rope was used to tie me down, spread eagle on my parent's bed. *snigger* He absolutely loved my crop and was making my legs and cunt burn bright red from it. I squirmed and writhed, consumed in the pain and pleasure of it all. Never once did the rope allow me to slip its grip. He had pulled all of it taught enough that squirming was all I could do. There was very little movement possible. I was blindfolded and I heard him leave the room. As he returned I heard him opening some package and then I remember the trip tp the supermarket we had made earlier. He bought a packet of Altoids Peppermint and mentioned they were for me. I had made a remark at the time that I didn't like the peppermint flavour; my favourite was cinnamon! (I'm sure there must have been an evil grin at that moment, sitting in the parking lot of the store.) After a few more moments of suspense I felt his body weight dip the mattress at the bottom of the bed. And another set of seemingly drawn out moments passed by before I felt his body come closer to mine. As his tongue began exploring I slowly felt the build up of heat, of the burning, until it became so intense it felt as if my cunt was on fire and the rest of my body didn't even exist. I lay there, squirming and moaning wishing he would allow me to cum or simply stop. And for a few moments he did, only to pop another Altoid in his mouth...

Hit Me With Your Best Shot

2009-03-06T08:57:00.003+13:00

All over the Blogosphere people are saying March is Question Month.

Since I'm kinda grasping at straws to come up with things to write about (other than my miserable love life) I thought I'd participate this year. Here's hoping enough people are interested in me to actually toss me some!

I can't figure out how to screen comments for just this post. Any help?. Anyway, anonymous comments are allowed so if you're shy about asking, just do it that way.

Ask me anything. Ask me everything. I'll endeavour to answer each as honestly as I can, within reason. While I try to be as honest and open as I can be in all parts of my life, some things may simply be too private to write about.

So go on, give me your best shot. Hopefully this will entertain you all as well as me for a few weeks *smirk*

Forbidden Fruit

2009-03-03T14:05:00.002+13:00

"We always long for the forbidden things, and desire what is denied us."

~ Francois Rabelais

Kapelle asked me a question last night.

"How much of your attraction to Tanto is because you can't openly have him?"

Is my attraction to Tanto because he's attached and is in a 'monogamous' relationship? (I put that in quotes because he certainly is not monogamous but his partner is.)

My first reaction was, "not at all!" I've given myself so much heartache over wanting Tanto when he is actually unavailable. Well, at least to the world at large he is unavailable. And the world at large is the part that is difficult to overcome. But I have given it more thought.

I know for a fact that I would have given him my number, partner or not. I know we would have chatted endlessly like we have. I know he would have shared all his dark little secrets with me and vice versa if he didn't have a partner. We would have jumped into a physical relationship very quickly if he had been available. Been seeing much more of each other. Sharing more of our lives.

I accept that he can't see me very much even though I want to see him more. I accept that he has other priorities in his life, yet he's still finding time to give me energy to me and our relationship. Because to be honest, even though we have not been physical with each other we do have a relationship together.

I was just about to write that I don't think I'd love him any less if he wasn't engaged. But that might not be quite so completely true. I have no doubt that I would love him. But I do think a part of it is the fact that he has enough love to give, enough energy to give. A big enough heart and mind to realise he is this way and can not control who he loves. Sadly, he doesn't have the heart to tell his partner. She has an idea; there have been signs for her to see if only she would open her eyes. But he is caught not wanting to hurt her, even though if she ever did come out of her ignorant bliss there would be a world of hurt.

My physical attraction to Tanto comes from my love for him. With some people (very few so far) physical attraction is immediate. Not for Tanto. The magnetism began after getting to know him, spending time with him, speaking about all the random things we've talked about together. In this instance, the love brought on the want for sex. (But even that word doesn't seem to fit with my image of him.)

In that way, I don't think my attraction to him is because of or heightened by his attachment. My love is different for him than it would be otherwise but the allure isn't because of the forbidden. I have gone through months of heartache over the "affair" thing. Not wanting to get more involved for fear of hurting him and her through my presence and actions. Contradicting myself about all the moral theory. Fighting the social construct that is monogamy and my own perceived principals that cheating is wrong. This whole thing has turned a part of my world upside down and inside out. Broke some of my most basic rules for myself. And will likely have some of my friends feeling a bit differently about me and some who don't know me to judge.

Or maybe I'm just deluding myself. Trying to force myself not to see the truth so that my fragile self esteem and self worth can be kept intact?

If I were a stronger person, maybe I would have left it all behind a long time ago. Been able to see where it was headed and stopped before it got so far. But I'm not strong enough to give Tanto up. Not now.

Intorducing Brio

2009-02-28T20:51:00.004+13:00

I met up with a friend on Thursday to hang out before the Subversion meeting (submissive only munch I started). We did some shopping then decided to head down to The Den to have a browse.

Going to sex shops in NZ is a little disappointing if you want BDSM gear. We're such a small corner of the world that there tends to be a shortage of really good stuff. It just means we end up getting inventive. So I don't usually go into these places with much hope of finding anything interesting or new. I've been surprised sometimes and of course, they're always good for traditional sex toys.

This time I found something I was truly surprised about.

The person working the store immediately asked us as we walked in how we were doing and if we needed anything. About my height, trim but not skinny with a solid build and closely cropped hair. I don't normally like talking to the people working in the store. (This happens in any shop and not just the sex ones!)

My friend asked him a question about something hanging near the counter. They were very nice looking weights for cbt and such, and led us to chatting to the guy. He was very open about enjoying using physical force and pushing boundaries. Now, physical force is something I have always wanted to play with but have not really found someone interested. All of the men I've been have been a little too nice, too built into the "you don't hurt women" mindset to get into using brute strength in their play. And all the while I have fantasies of being taken, overpowered and used.

This guy was just so open about all of his likes in this way. Which did surprise me. Most people use lots of discretion, especially when it comes to what some people might think of as violence in play. Of course, I doubt this man would ever survive the local scene. He simply has little respect for how other people think things should be done and plays by his own rule book. Which is kinda a turn on.

It was obvious that we had quite a few fetishes in common and that he was hitting on us. (Ok I admit, I was flirting too.) That led to me doing something I have only done once before - I gave him my number. This time there was no question about doing it, as my first time had done. My friend and I needed to be going, so she bought the cute little cane she wanted and I handed over the little slip of paper with my name and phone number on it.

I was rewarded with a text not even 5 minutes later. I stopped by the shop on my way home on Friday from work to chat with him as well. Flirting like mad via txt for the past 2 days. He has very different hours than I do, so getting together to explore will be a challenge. But I am so looking forward to being Brio's toy.

Rope

2009-02-27T11:49:00.002+13:00

I have a bit of a passion for rope. Some may think it not very strong and compared to some it may not be. It's a bit harder for a bottom to show their passion for rope. I would love to learn how to tie, how to create art out of seemingly innocuous strands of twirled and twisted fibre. The few times I've worked the rope itself I've felt at home with it, running it between by hands and drawing it along soft skin. I've learned how to care for rope, how to treat raw hemp, how to store it, what qualities are best for what type of tying. But the most experience I've had with rope is as the one being tied.

I haven't been tied intricately for some time. I do miss the days with my ex when he used to feel creative and the rope had an energy of its own in his hands. Those days are long gone and the memories of him bitter, rarely positive. There is one memory I have of a rope scene that was entirely positive, sensual, sexual and exhilarating.

My flight down to Southern Exposure was oragnised a day early (on purpose) so I had a bit of an extra edge on getting to spend some time with the overseas presenters. One brought along someone to share her first "out of the US" trip with, Bryce (not his real name). I learned that he was a switch but his main passion was for rope. He's a quiet, fade into the background kinda guy. But his humour, wit and intelligence is noticeable within moments of speaking with him. He's easy to laugh and smile with an open, warm and accepting personality. I was immediately drawn to him.

On the Friday I barely got to see him as he was over at the Fetish Ball site setting up while I was helping at the conference venue. But we spent quite a bit of time chatting at the play party that night. I managed the courage to ask him if he would be thinking about playing at the Fetish Ball, considering he was performing at it. He replied, with a spark in his eyes, that he may just feel like tying someone up. So I played his verbal cat and mouse game and eventually out right asked if he might like to tie me up. I didn't get a completely certain yes but the possibility was strong that it'd happen.

The Fetish Ball in itself (along with a lot of other things from that weekend) deserve posts of their own. I mingled, watched a few performances, got to go back stage for a bit with Kumi and Midori and finally found myself trying to search Bryce out. Eventually I did find him, with a freshly shaved head and carrying his bag of goodies. We wandered out to the foyer so we could talk a little more and do some actual negotiation. He mentioned my dress would need to come off, I mentioned my delight in pain, basic details of boundaries and limits and we agreed for him to try suspension with me. It would be my first time. Back toward the play area we went.

Unfortunately, someone had just started setting up a scene at the suspension frame. We propped ourselves near a tall spanking bench (or was it a type of bondage chair? I don't remember.) and watched for a bit but realised it would not be coming available anytime soon and the night was crawling along. It was decided we'd simply have to have fun with the rope by itself.

Bryce opened his bag, the rope piled in neatly, an array of colors and lengths. I think it was all cotton, but I cannot be sure. As he started to unwind some lengths, he looked me over in a rather predatory fashion and commented that the dress had to go. Carefully I lifted the latex over my head as well as taking the gloves off. I was left in only in my heels, thigh highs, choker and matching fascinator. (Apparently I looked quite hot like that, as several people commented.) Buried in a small corner of the play area, he started to run the rope over my skin as we talked quietly to each other. I told him I liked my rope tight, to not hold back. I certainly got what I asked for.

Only moments into the scene I was already drifting away. Bryce knew the sensuality of rope, how to wield it in a way that turns it into more than just a way to bind. As he created the basic body harness, I allowed myself to revel in the slight scratchiness the rope caused as it turned over my curves, shaping to my body and fusing into my psyche. His hands roamed freely as well, lifting my breasts to place the rope just as he wished, fingers and rope combined teasing my nipples. He turned me around as he needed in order to weave the binding. Stringing it through my legs, he pulled sharply up as I faced away from him, eliciting whimpers and moans from my pouting mouth.

By the time he was done with the body harness I was short of breath, leaning back against the spanking bench and holding on like I'd fall if I lost my grip. But he simply reached for more rope and began anew. All the while teasing with his hands, his mouth. Pinching nipples, slapping my ass, kissing me. This time he continued to bind my breasts, creating a cupcake harness. My breasts stood out like they rarely do due to gravity. Standing proud, protruding from my chest, nipples hard and skin pulled taught beneath the continuous wrappings of the rope. Bryce tied it off and I was a puddle, lost in rope and hands and energy in the air. There was nothing but him and his rope. The hundreds of people in the building meant nothing, the music pounding from the speakers barely registering to my ears. The whole world had shrunk to just the two of us.

Bryce had said he preferred to not use many toys when playing but he did pull out a very firm small slapper. This one was different than I had ever seen and it was delicious. It was two pieces of leather sewn together with a very hard core in the middle. Honestly, it scared me a little as he handed it to me to feel. The weight was heavy, the leather think. I passed it back to him with some form of confirmation that he could use it. Between that, his hands, and the bundle of rope he used to abuse my tits the bruises already began blooming.

The energy we created was unreal. Sensual and sexual tension in the air was palpable. Passionate kisses, hands grabbing hair (or running over yummy, freshly shaved skin), I enjoyed feeling his body pressed against mine. His muscles under his skin, the veins in his neck. His teeth sinking into my neck, biting my larynx and making me melt at the primal force and surrender it made me feel.

Eventually, while hitting my breasts with some of his still coiled rope, a drop of blood found its way through my skin. Taking that as a cue to wind down the scene, he cleaned me up (being very careful) and began unraveling me. A knowledgeable rope Top knows that the undoing can be just as thrilling and arousing as the doing. And Bryce certainly knows his rope, keeping me right at the edge while the rope came undone. I have no idea how many orgasms washed over me during the more than an hour scene.

We were both left wanting to take our energy into privacy, to continue the connection. But it was late, there was an early morning to be had and I didn't have the courage to ask for more than he had already given me.

Pillars

2009-02-26T15:30:00.000+13:00

Energy waxes and wanes.

Friends, enemies, lovers,
all come and go.

The days soar by,
time allowing eternal change.

Little in life can be relied upon
to truly always be there.

Those few things:
Precious
Rare
and Extraordinary.

These we must keep close.

For when all else is lost
to the undulating tides of life,
these personal treasures
can become a pillar of strength.

Strength that may be the only thing
that allows us to keep treading water
in the treacherous swell that is the sea of life.

These are two of my pillars.
What are yours?

“Obedience keeps the rules...

2009-02-25T12:47:00.002+13:00

...Love knows when to break them.”
~ Anthony de Mello

Another interesting thing about my new home is that Tanto only lives a few minutes away. That could be very dangerous but it hasn't been so far. We've managed to catch the same bus home occasionally (when I get out of work early for some reason) and still text/email each other what seems like constantly. But we're not seeing each other much at all. I know roughly where his home is, but not his actual address. I think he has my address buried in emails somewhere, but then, I wouldn't mind him just showing up. The other way around could be problematic.

I laid down the boundaries some time ago. While I want and encourage him to be completely open and honest with me about anything, including sex, it can't devolve into outright flirting. The main reason for this is that I'm not truly a tease. A tease is someone who flirts and flaunts with out the intention of ever letting the object of said flirting to get anywhere. I'm not like that. When I flirt it's because of a genuine like of someone, a genuine desire for things to go somewhere at some time. (Not that the "somewhere" necessarily means sex. It doesn't.) The other reason I may flirt is because I'm totally comfortable with the person, my closest friends. (I'm not physically attracted to my best friend Dee for the most part but will flirt with her.) So flirting between Tanto and I becomes difficult. He applies to both of those but because of the situation we can't act on the flirting. And that ends up hurting me quite badly after some time. Therefore, no flirting.

Another thing that is difficult about our clear boundaries now is that we've basically agreed we can be nothing but very close friends. Our definition of "friends" differs greatly though. Friends of mine are welcome to touch, hug, hold hands, cuddle, kiss and enjoy each other's bodies on a platonic level. Even sharing my bed overnight is fine, as long as there aren't any sexual advances. For Tanto, friends may hug when they first see each other but any other physical contact is minimal. For such a physical creature as myself that constraint can often be hurtful as well.

Yesterday I went well over my own line. We got into one of our philosophical talks about love and life, and he mentioned how his love for someone can wane if the love isn't consummated. That scared me, as I don't want to lose the connection we have simply because I'm not willing to help him physically cheat. I've accepted that he will not be emotionally monogamous to his partner and the consequences of that are his own. I'm simply a pawn of sorts. We can not control our hearts but can control our bodies. I do not want to let it advance to the physical.

So I got worried that I will lose him in that way. Add that to the decision Kapelle and I came to on the weekend (that I will do not training with him; we are nothing more than friends and lovers and can not be more anytime in the near future) I felt like all of the people I loved were slipping away from me. And I inevitably went grasping for what I could have.

Kapelle gave me some wonderful hugs before he left to comfort a friend last night and I was left feeling very alone. My mind would not stop spinning and I texted Tanto, as he's almost always awake longer than I am at night. I had moved into the lounge to put a movie on but then decided to alleviate the ridiculous amount of horny that had been building up in me over the day. That combined with a text conversation with Tanto led me to telling him about it.

He played along with me, giving me images in words of what he would want to give me, what he was thinking about me, how he would hold me. There was nothing overly explicit; that's not his style. But the tenderness I could feel from his words, the obvious desire to be close to me was overwhelming. And I came with flashes of Tanto in my mind.

I apologised to him this morning for stepping over my very own line. He said it was nothing to apologise over, that I needed it then and it was good to recreate that connection again.

But I worry about the strength I have to follow my own rules. Tanto will be alone for a few weeks soon, as his partner is going back to South Africa to do last preparations for their wedding while Tanto stays here. And we will very likely see each other during that time, alone with each other in privacy. I worry that I will lose my strength against such temptation.

Fetish and a First Meet

2009-02-23T20:35:00.005+13:00

Saturday was an awesome day.

The fun started heading out to the munch. Several of my friends actually pulled into our regular parking place at the same time. We went across the street and only a few people were there already. It was a typical munch; lots of laughs, conversation, new faces and fun. (Dee's Ropeman had the most fun of all I think!) But one thing dominated most of the conversation - the Fetish Party that was scheduled to happen that night at Sparty's, a local swinger's club. So many people were hyped up about it and all were hoping it would be a success.

From the munch a bunch of us headed over to Dee's Dominant's house to get ready. It was Dee, her Dominant and me getting ready for the party. Kapelle showed up shortly after us to keep Dee's Dominant's wife company for the night as she wasn't feeling well. (Did that make sense?) Dee had to get wrapped up (I'm sure there will be pictures! Keep an eye on her blog.), I had to get greased up. This would be the first time I'd be wearing my latex dress in public for some time and the first since it was altered. We were all decked out and excited beyond belief!

Once we managed to find parking in town near the venue, we ambled down the very discreet stairs that serve as an entrance. The owners greeted us and we got a brief tour. There isn't much to physically show but wow, the place is awesome! Mainly one long, large warehouse type room with lots of seating strategically placed, a Sybian, a hammok that is strong enough to hold three people, a pool table, a pole for dancing. On the other side of the bar was a small hallway that led to two seperate bedrooms and a spa large enough to hold a dozen people along with a sauna.

I knew that I had to try the Sybian. Someone else got to it before me, but I wanted to spice it up with a BDSM flare a bit. I borrowed Dee's World's Best Blindfold and decided I'd let anyone who wanted to use the controls to have at the controls. It didn't happen quite as I anticipated, with one young lady that I've been flirting on and off with for months hogging the controls all to herself! I didn't mind in the slightest :) She made me come over and over, with frustration all through it. When I had said enough, she was even a bit cheeky and turned it on for one more go before letting me off.

But the highlight of my night was meeting Verva. Kapelle had been talking to her for a while and had already met her. I knew she was coming and was waiting rather impatiently for her to show up! What ended up happening between us was a huge surprise.

I was near the door when she did come in. And ohmygoodness...hotty! I knew she was cute but yum. In a red PVC corset type top and a very short and slitted PVC skirt with knee high heeled boots to match she was divine. I said hello, gave her a brief hug and let her be showed around by the owner. I went and checked on my other friends, chatting a bit.

Back and forth I went, finding Verva and introducing her, chatting with other people. I was hating the timing, as I still had some cold sores from the nasty bug I had during the week. So I could not kiss her, at all. And that's all I wanted to do! Hold her, caress her, explore her mouth with mine. She, what seemd like immediately, attached herself to the dance pole and swung and stepped to the beats of the music. It didn't take long for her clothes to be sliding off. Her body is simply gorgeous. The way her hips darted from point to point, her legs knowing right where to step, spinning herself around the pole...mmmm.

I knew she was attracted to me as well (very frank compliments were had at the start of the night) and I wanted her. For once, I decided on doing something and took action. This is strange for me. I normally don't like taking the lead and I almost never play with someone in anyway the first time I meet them. That's one of my few rules. It got broken Saturday night!

After I searched out my bag I dragged her around trying to find somewhere to play. I'm not adverse to public play but for a first time I wanted some privacy. The rooms were taken and it was very, very hot in the club. So we got some ice from the bar and dashed into the shower room. Being in latex I had no problem being in the water, but Verva stripped off what little she had left.

We shared the ice, pouring the ice water already present down over chests, rubbing the cubes over necks and nipples and lower and lower. The energy and intensity had us on the floor quickly, hands exploring skin and cooling each other off with the ice. We rather quickly ran out and I went to get more. By the time I got back Verva was gone! I found her once again at the dance pole and dragged her back to the shower because I had more plans than just ice.

Sitting back down, I let the ice draw more coolness to her soft skin, dimpling it as she chilled. I finally got brave and parted her nether lips to cool what must have been the hottest part of her. She squirmed and moaned delightfully, I nipped at a nipple. Reaching behind me I put a condom over the dildo I brought with me. She put a hand on my shoulder, grabbing for the dildo as if to use it with me. But I informed her that it was for her, not me. "Oh," and a smile was what greeted that discovery and she lay back down on the cold tile. A new ice cube in one hand, I slid the dildo into her. She moaned louder and louder, her hands finding the walls to support herself even though she was flat on her back. I told her to play with herself; she knows herself more than I possibly could and I wanted her to get off really well.

My arousal, already heightened, grew and grew as I helped her come to climax. Seeing her so open to me so easily was such a turn on. Helping her acheive that ecstacy got me off as well. But she wanted her turn to please too.

Easing me back, she found my most private parts once the dildo had been cleaned. Alternating the frigid ice and her soft, warm tongue on my clit while she fucked me with the dildo was exquisite. Someone came in to watch us, but she was mostly ignored by us. After several smallish orgasms I stopped Verva, sitting up to embrace her. Once again, damn no kissing!!!

Mmmm...the rest of the night was more of the same from earlier in the night. I tried some dancing with Verva, chatted with folks, enjoyed the atmosphere. The night was a success in several different ways, the least of which was meeting Verva! (And we'll be meeting again and again and again...) The night overall was successful enough that the owners of the club are willing to host regular fetish nights for us. And even the possibility of holding closed events. I'd say that was successful.

Of course, when I got home I had to masturbate with my hitachi before going to sleep. Because damn, Verva is so hot and I was so aroused I needed to get off hard in order for sleep to claim me.

The Waiting Game

2009-02-20T21:48:00.003+13:00

I loved him. He needed time to think and that was ok- he was worth waiting for... and waiting for... and waiting for. Finally I realized I had waited away my life for an answer he had already given me: Had he loved me back, I would not have had to wait.
~ Anonymous

I have no doubt that Kapelle does love me. Love me in the right way? I dunno. But the fact is that he is not ready for a relationship. We've both had our heads in the clouds, in a way. He has been caught up in the wonder of finally being free, of being able to go after what he wants. I've told myself I've been trusting in him when maybe I've just been willing to be blind in the hopes of things working.

Can they work? Maybe. Someday. But who knows when? He doesn't even know.

I feel like I've been strung along by him since the moment I met him. Not on purpose, but still strung along. First it was by his partner, now by him directly. Over and over again the rules change and every time my heart hurts. There is no time frame on this. He does not know when he'll be healed enough to actually take part in a full time relationship. He says I have healing to do as well, which I do not deny. But I have other needs as well.

The main one being intimacy, more than just on a physical level. Which he can not give me. Emotionally or physically, he can not give it to me. Many nights I go to sleep in my own bed, in my own room, in his house, feeling abandoned and alone. Feeling used and discarded. I tell myself these are irrational thoughts and feelings because Kapelle does care for me. He just has to care for himself more right now.

But can I wait for him? Can I handle being in this house, the first home I've had in over a year and a half, and have less than I need from him? Can I be a lover, a friend, a flatmate but not his priority? Can I be myself, keep learning about myself, not allow myself to fall into him? Can I handle the space he needs? Can I handle the consistent hurt that space causes me?

This week I was supposed to start regular submission to him, specific rules to abide by on certain days. But I wonder if that's a smart move. (I've been excused from them as I've been sick. Bad timing, that.) If he has no idea when it can be full time, do I want to allow any submission to him? Can I keep myself distanced enough to have that outlet and not be heart broken? Can I handle his slut nights with out feeling more abandoned, more like just a convenient toy and nothing more?

I have spent a large of my adult life waiting for others. Kapelle's done his fair share of waiting for others as well. Am I willing to wait for him? I love him and want to be his submissive. But he has no idea how long it will be until that can happen. A year? 18 months? Maybe more? Can I live in limbo again, waiting for something that honestly may never happen, despite the best intentions of everyone involved? But what other options do I have? If I wait, by the time he is ready, will there be enough of me and my love for him left for it to even work?

I hate waiting.

War Wounds

2009-02-19T16:37:00.004+13:00

Shock horror - I have a life outside of BDSM. Last weekend, another part of my life took over.

I was at band camp.

(Please, no American Pie jokes. It's old. Get over it.)

Since I'm in a youth orchestra, the summer holiday has no rehearsals. So the orchestra has a weekend at the beginning of the year to do intensive practicing in order to come back to a reasonable level of performance. Ten to twelve hours of playing my instrument is not exactly my idea of fun, nor is spending the weekend with 30-40 (mostly) teenagers. I did enjoy myself nonetheless, but I didn't get out of it unscathed.

On top of that, I've been out of work all week due to picking up a bug from one of the young-type humans. Combined with some stress it's led to a full fledged flu. Here's hoping I'm ok by Saturday to go to the munch and Fetish Party!

HHNT!